Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Biblical Breast Implants, Lap Dance Jesus, and Pope Francis’ New 10 Commandments

carrie-prejeanSo glad you could make it!

I’m Pastor Pillow, of course. And these other fine men and women are the Cubic Zirconia Cathedral Ministries Marketing Team.

As you may be aware, we’ve been losing parishioners left and right to that upstart “progressive faith community” down the street, Glory Holy Ministries. Seems like people are naturally drawn to that whole Golden Rule Christianity thingy. Some say it’s because of the sense of non-judgmental community it provides. But if you ask me, it has more to do with principalities of darkness and all those gays getting married.

Anyway, I’ve tasked the CZCM Marketing Team with several days of prayer and fasting in order to help guide them in the selection of a new gimmick—I mean, Holy Spirit-led initiative—to draw sheep back to the fold. And more importantly, to help rebuild our lost revenue stream.

I mean, Fourth Offering isn’t even drawing seven figures these days! How am I supposed to take the family to the Skeleton Coast in search of desert elephants this Christmas?!

Basically, the team has come up with two possible solutions, and we’re asking you to help us decide which one to go forward with.

The first option is the Pastor Pillow Breast Augmentation Clinic. I know, I know. But before you poo-poo the concept of biblical mammary gland enhancement, I want you to consider the sweet Solomonic words of Proverbs:

“A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

If you ask me, it’s pretty clear that Jehovah favors a nice rack. So we may as well get in front of the Evangelical pack and start providing this spiritual plastic surgery service for the lesser-endowed ladies of Christendom. (Also, we’ve already signed former Miss California Carrie Prejean as a spokesperson, so—wink-wink—I think you know which way I’m leaning here.)

As to the second choice, Elder Bob has this idea for End Times Shades. Basically, they’re just 3D glasses with red lenses. Here, try on a pair.

Basically, every time you look at the moon, it’s red—as in “blood moon.” Get it, Rapture. Revelation. End of the world. Jesus returns and all that jazz.

So the theory goes, anyone wearing the glasses will think the Apocalypse is about to happen, and they’ll start dropping cash into the offering plate. Also, because they’re 3D glasses, folks will start getting migraine headaches, which means they’re more likely to come forward for intercessory prayer. Again, bigger offerings.

Still, I would much rather have the chance to meet regularly with Ms. Enhancement—I mean, Prejean. But, like I said, the choice is yours.

What’s that? Why not do both? Well, golly gosh, now why didn’t I think of that? There you have it, everybody, the Holy Ghost has spoken!

Bob, reach out to your contact at that Bangladesh sweatshop about manufacturing the glasses. Meanwhile, I’ll get on the phone with the state medical licensure board. Soon we’ll be churning out biblical boob jobs faster than you can shake a Decalogue at.

Please open your hymnal to No. 1974.

I am the entertainer
And I know just where I stand…
Today I am your champion
I may have won your hearts
But I know the game, you’ll forget my name
And I won’t be here in another year
If I don’t stay on the charts

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

5. Pope Francis Issues a New Decalogue, over at uCatcholic: “Pope Francis’ Top 10 Secrets for Happiness”

Folks, there’s a lot of shit going down in the world these days, so let’s lead with something positive and civilization-building: Pope Francis’ 10 Commandments for the 21st Century, which he presented to the Argentinian weekly Viva during his recent visit to his old South American stomping grounds in celebration of Day 500 of the SuperPope Pontificate.

Of course, His Holiness would never be so bold (proud) to refer to these little maxims in a Decalogue fashion. But there’s no doubt that these ten phrases to live by would look sweet on the back of a KEEP CALM AND CARRY ROSARIES t-shirt:

1. Live and let live.

2. Be giving of yourself to others.

3. Proceed calmly.

4. Have a healthy sense of leisure.

5. Sunday is for family. (Or, chill once a week.)

6. Give young people creative outlets.

7. Respect and take care of nature.

8. Let go of negative things.

9. Don’t proselytize; respect the beliefs of others.

10. Work for peace.

4. Go Get Yourself Some Cheap End Times Sunglasses, via CBN News: “Divine Sign for Israel? Hagee Explains Blood Moons”

Okay, and now for the godawful shit. Man, I am getting tired of quoting myself on the subject of eschatological knuckleheads, who in this case, really are nothing more than warmonger wolves in End Times sheep’s clothing:

“In the past millennium, not one generation has gone by without Christians insisting that the Book of Revelation points to Christ’s imminent return, and that all of the text’s cryptic references can easily be mapped to the current political world. And every single generation has been spectacularly wrong.”

John Hagee is an idiot Texas megachurch pastor (wait, isn’t that redundant?) making the bestseller rounds with a snake oil tome titled Four Blood Moons: Something is About to Change, in which he expounds upon the theory that:

“I believe in these next two years we’re going to see something dramatic happen in the Middle East involving Israel that will change the course of history in the Middle East and impact the whole world.”

Why? Because there are four blood moons, or a lunar tetrad (when four successive total lunar eclipses occur without a partial lunar eclipse in-between), occurring in the next 18 months, all in or around the Jewish holidays of Passover and the Feast of Tabernacles. And then there’s something about Iran and nuclear weapons; also, Christopher Columbus. Sigh.

Continued on page 2


Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Pipercat

    One question: Can a priest bless saline into holy water?

    • Arik Bjorn

      Only if he presses the plunger.

      • Pipercat

        Phew, good thing they outlawed silicone then!

  • Nemisis

    Something is going to happen in the middle east and it will involve Israel…Just like it always has….Except for the time Israel sat out the Persian gulf war in the 1990’s…oh wait….Iraq wouldn’t let them…

    • Arik Bjorn

      Israel is, sadly, in the minds of many Evangelicals, an apocalyptic pet.

      (That will be misinterpreted 1,000 ways wrong, but it’s still how E’s think of that nation.)

  • Karen Simons

    40 years ago, when I was 20, I started attending Pastor Hagee’s San Antonio church, Trinity Assembly. It was a time of fundamentalist revival, lots of new Jesus freaks and charismatic miracle seekers, and I was surely one of them. A couple of years into my church membership, everything changed. I went to Sunday service and Pastor Hagee was gone. His wife and kids were still at church, though. Turns out, our “annointed” man of God had been having an affair with a very young choir lady. He had left his wife, kids, and Trinity Assembly, bought a defunct church building and started a new church. What a guy!

  • mrmiller

    I seriously thought you’d written “Glory Hole Ministries”……which in hindsite seems appropriate.

    • Arik Bjorn

      Did you see the photo hyperlink? 🙂