Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Chickens, Porn, Nuts & Other Earthly Rewards

bathsheba

Bathsheba

“Livin’ easy, lovin’ Free / Season ticket on a one-way ride”

Man, I’d love to see a New Orleans church choir and Bono tackle this one.  Everybody, spin that wheel! 

Drum stick thunderstorm!  Grab those britches, now!

“I’M ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL!  HIGHWAY TO HELL!”

You know, an epiphany dawned on me this week while I was surveying news stories across the Fruited Plain, including Rick Santorum’s asinine assertion that Nelson Mandela and the Republican opposition to Obamacare are arm-in-arm, as well as Sarah “Eat Martin Bashir’s Shit” Palin’s even more ridiculous claim that Deist Thomas Jefferson would stand with Evangelicals in the War on Xmas.

Here was the theophanic revelation:  All of these Evangelical rightwing Fundamentalist politicians, from Jeb to Cruz, are united by one common theme: 

THEY ALL THINK YOU—YES, YOU!—ARE HEADED TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET.

Period.

Don’t believe me?  Have a look-see at Ted Cruz’s father, Pastor Rafael Cruz.  Need another putrescent link?  Here you go.  Here is yet another

I’m serious; I could toss links at you all day.  If ever there was a reason to remove tax-exempt status from religious organizations…it should be when a religious organization’s leader is convinced that his or her fellow citizens will spend the rest of eternity bathing in molten rock.

Now stick that idea in a drawer and let it foment into a foul, stench-ridden culture between now and the November 2014 Election.  And when November 4, 2014, rolls along, pull out the Petrie dish and ask yourself how you really feel about all these politicians who think that the United States of America should become the KKKapitalistic Kingdom of God. 

Folks, civilization is in the balance.  If you don’t vote power away from these fundamentalists, we’re all just a hop, skip and a jump away from John Calvin’s Geneva Heretic In-N-Out BBQ.  Don’t believe me, just ask Michael Servetus.

Pastor Pillow here!

By now, all Justice League Progressives are intimately familiar with the pantheon of religio-political villains who stand between us and civilization.  Palin, Cruz, Franklin Graham, Romney, Ryan, Boehner, DeMint, Robertson, the Bush Dynasty.  The list goes on and on.

Their stances on every political subject under the sun drive us crazy.  They inspire Facebook “likes” from sunrise to sunset.

But rarely do we consider the fact that nearly every one of these individuals, if pressed, would likely intone that there is an eternal sulfur sauna awaiting those who abide by the progressive principles we hold so dearly.

Oh, maybe Michele Bachmann would defer with a live camera thrown in front of her face.  Then again.  But put these Jokers in a roomful of fundraising candidates and a secret camera, and just imagine what they would say.

I’m talking about Hell now.  Eternal damnation.  These politicians and pundits don’t just think your politics are askew; they think that the Creator of the Universe is going to point his finger at you on Judgment Day and cast you into a lake of everlasting lava.

Ye who believe in Evolution in the Classroom:  Be bathed in eternal tabasco sauce!

Ye who believe in Gay Marriage:  Go take a swim in the cauterizing lazy river!

Ye who believe in Universal Health Care:  Suck an indestructible molten lollipop!

Ye who believe in Social Welfare:  Bring to a boil, you blasphemous beef bourguignon.

All food for thought as you await this evening’s 5:30 p.m. service, then the Sunday night Roman Colosseum classic matchup:  Panthers v. Saints.  (We all know how that would’ve ended 19 centuries ago.)  Anyway, here and there between the last vestiges of Thanksgiving leftovers and a six-pack or two of Michelob Light, take some time to see what’s cooking on the Right-Wing Radical Rotisserie this week.

5. Fair is Fowl, and Fowl is…Godly?, according to Christianity Today:  “Would You Kill a Chicken with Your Bare Hands?”

“One by one, the birds are hung by their feet on a backboard of metal sheeting with wood bracers, where their throats are cut and bled out.  Next, the limp birds are scalded in 150-degree water before visiting the de-featherer, then the stainless-steel cleaning table.  There, the feet, head, organs, lungs, and trachea are removed, in that order.  Finally, the birds, now meat and bones, are rinsed and stored in a tub of ice water.”

No, this isn’t a scriptural quotation from the Pentateuch on how to prepare a turtledove for ritual sacrifice.  It’s a play-by-play of Lamppost Farm’s latest chicken slaughter.

“I make the cut more quickly, drawing the knife deeply through the throat in a single back-and-forth, like a violin bow,” writes author Bret Mavrich. … “I look at the blood streaming down the corrugated metal and soaking into the sawdust on the ground.  The life is in the blood.

Honestly, I have no idea how this article relates to Christendom or politics.  Perhaps this is Christianity Today’s latest move to draw readers away from Bon Appétit.

But I simply couldn’t resist commenting on an article with the heading “Slaughter as God Intended.”  At first I thought the article must be a justification of U.S. military drone strikes.  Instead, it’s just a vision about a man who “wants to kill chickens as God intended.”

I wonder if there are any de-featherers in Hell.  Don’t laugh:  just you try spending the rest of eternity being brutalized by a “a 55-gallon drum lined with rubber fingers and a motorized, spinning floor that keeps [souls] tumbling in the drum.”

Next.

4. Annual Prayer Rally to Combat Porn Set to Convene, via The Christian Post: Over 40 Groups Join National Day of Prayer Against Pornography Next Week”

Pornography is a subject we have rarely dealt with in the Weekly Round-up—mainly because the fundamentalist War on Porn seems to have gone by the wayside for quite some time.  But it’s back and better than ever, according to Christian Post’s Michael Gryboski.

Morality in Media is set to don fatigues this week and storm the Beltway on bended knee in its fight against pornography.

There’s little doubt that all pornographers are headed to Hell, right?  Who, after all, can imagine Larry Flynt making it past St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Wait a second?  What exactly is pornography?

According to Morality in Media, we should all rely on Webster’s Dictionary—yes, the dictionary—to guide us in our understanding.  And says Mr. Webster:  pornography is “a depiction of licentiousness or lewdness.”

And Morality in Media claims that it is against all such depictions.

Whoa, horsey!

Does this mean that Morality in Media is prepared to expurgate the Bible itself?

There goes the Song of Solomon, Ezekiel 23 and everybody’s flannelgraph favorite character, Onan!

What about the new Britney Spears-Jesus Christ musical extravaganza, “The Gospel According to Britney”?  Gone.

Even Dolly Parton’s Smoky Mountain Christmas?  Yep.

Aw, shucks.

More seriously, no one doubts that there is a seedy side to pornography, from child pornography to human trafficking, that deserves societal oversight and restriction, even criminal prosecution.  But I would never trust any organization that uses a mission statement lifted from a dictionary to determine where society should and should not draw the line with respect to sexual content in media.

By all means protect children and eliminate trafficking!  But let consenting adults be consenting adults.  Can we honestly afford another “War on” in this country?

3. World Pauses to Mourn Legendary Driver of History—no, not Nelson Mandela—over at The Gospel Herald:  “Paul Walker’s Funeral: Tyrese Gibson Pens ‘Open Letter to God’”

I will never, NEVER understand Christian news media websites and their simultaneous condemnation and love affair with Hollywood.

There is an actor named Paul Walker, he of The Fast & the Furious fame, who died recently in a fatal car crash.  This is sad.

Actor Tyrese Gibson (I had to look him up, too) has posted publicly theological thoughts related to this tragedy.

Please tell me why this is news.  Christian news.  Secular news.  News period.

Also, let’s make sure that no one from Morality in Media gets wind of the Fast & Furious series, or we may never see another installment.  They show boobs in those movies, right?

Shame on you, Tyrese Gibson!  How could you be associated with such filth!

And to think I passed up a review of Rick Warren’s faith-based diet for this clip.

Sigh.

2. National Religious Broadcasters Defies Christ’s Decree Against Earthly Rewards, thus saieth NRB Today: “NRB Announces Recipients of 2014 Special Service Awards”

You know what, there is a theme developing this week, after all.  And it’s that while the Evangelical media wants to set itself as separate from its secular counterpart, it just can’t help following in its every footstep.  Never mind that Jesus called us not to store up treasures on earth—these NRB Special Service Awards are different!

How, I’m not sure.  Someone go get me a copy of Webster’s.

If you thought the Emmys were boring, try to keep your eyes open throughout the upcoming February 2014 National Religious Broadcasters Special Service Awards in Nashville.  (Don’t worry; it doesn’t interfere with the Adult Video News award ceremony in Las Vegas in January.)

The entire reason I’m bringing this up is that the NRB is giving a special Board of Directors Award to Todd Starnes of Fox News and the American Dispatch.

Check out Mr. Starnes’ latest report here.  At first glance, it seems straightforward reporting about the famous Colorado-baker-who-refused-to-make-a-wedding-cake-for-a-gay-couple case.  Then check out Starnes’ extracurricular commentary at his Facebook page about this same story.

That’s right, “Christian business owners.”  Watch out:  Gay wedding cakes and Armageddon go hand in hand.

Yeah, give that man a special Christian service award.

1. Porn Be Damned, but Stuff Your Face with Nuts, via CBN News: Harvard Research: Eat Nuts, Live Longer”

Usually we like to end on a positive note, and what could be more uplifting than stuffing your face full of nuts?

Christians and pagans alike agree.  Want to live longer?  Nuts, nuts, then more nuts.

And who should know better than Pat Robertson’s news rag?

Well, folks, that’s a wrap!

And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?

According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. CBN isn’t alone in the 9-figure Radical Right Revenue Game. According to the website Ministry Watch, CBN is dwarfed in comparison to the nearly $900 million raked in annually by the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

But TBN and CBN are mere bright stars in a galactic empire of hundreds of Christian news and media organizations. If you have a few minutes to spare, review the membership lists of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.

Each and every one of these Christian media organizations have one thing in common: they report news to members of the Christian Right across the Fruited Plain. And the Christian Right account for nearly one-third of America’s voters.

Not only that, but here’s a list of what’s on the line in November 2014:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives

—33 seats in the U.S. Senate

—46 State Legislatures

—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Sorry to preach politics from the pulpit, but if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you enough to submit an early 2014 ballot, I don’t know what will.

See you next week.

And a final message for people everywhere, don’t forget: the November 2014 election is this many days away.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

Comments

Facebook comments

  • johnthe24

    This was a most esxcellent essay, and fun to read, to boot. I have posted a link to Facebook, where others of my ilk might read it, as well. Merry Christmas, in the rowdy, bawdy, Dickensian spirit!

    • The Author

      Thanks! Life is always a wee bit chock full o’ nuts. Check out my other Forward Progressives clips through my FB page! (Link above.)

      Peace!