Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Demon-Possessed Strippers, Nic Cage Enraptured & Gurus Gone Wild!

10307360_10154224126680422_6523633123226876843_nThere you are! I almost left for the Virgin Galactic Rapture Launch Pad without you!

Quick, put this spacesuit on. Just make sure you don’t tear the fabric. Cubic Zirconia Cathedral Ministries spent a fortune on each of these Philippe Starck-designed suits.  In fact, each suit cost more than the Paul Prudhomme Potluck we threw for Chris Christie at CPAC a few months back.

Oh, certainly, I’ll turn around. Just because I’m your spiritual superior doesn’t mean I have the right to see you in your skivvies—although that’s not necessarily a universal theological position in Evangelicalism these days.

What does it matter, really? Within a matter of minutes we’ll both be standing before the Judgment Throne. So let me sneak just a little peek. (Don’t tell Mrs. Pillow.) Oh, very cute. Wonder Woman Underoos. You go, girl! Amazon champion indeed!

And you’re an actual Amazon stakeholder? What a coincidence! Except where we’re going, I don’t think your dividends will help you.

Yes, soon and very soon, it will either be martinis in Chalcedony Mansions or eternal laps in the Lake of Sulfur.

Wait a second, that doesn’t make sense. If the Lord whisks us away today, then aren’t we automatically destined for an eternity in His Almighty Presence along with the griffins, cherubim, etc., et al?

Hmm. Might need to consult my “Ibulation Guidebook.”

Let’s see, there’s Pre-tribulation, Mid-tribulation, Post-tribulation. Also, Dispensational Premillennialism. Not to mention Amillennialism.

Man, these End Times theories are so confusing I might simply succumb to Atrial Fibrillation.

Then again, it might just be the Wonder Woman bra you’re wearing. Seriously, please put on your spacesuit. Eschatology is titillating enough.

What’s that? Well, that would be just like you–asking for a biblical source at a time like this. Here’s a New Testament; feel free to skim I Thessalonians 4 on our way to the launch pad. Seriously, I don’t even know if we’ll have enough time for Kirk Cameron to take us through the “Proper Rapture Positioning” exercises.

I don’t remember! Why don’t you read it aloud? And for goodness sake, please take off those stiletto heels. You’re slowing us down.

“According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.” (I Thessalonians 4)

Yes, that seems about right. Well, um, no, to be honest, I can’t exactly remember any place in the Gospels where Jesus mentioned this precisely. True, true. Thus, we have no idea what the Apostle Paul might have meant by “the Lord’s word.”

Ah, c’mon, don’t give me that crap about Matthew 25:

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’”

O, Abomination of Desolation! Always you and that “whatever you did not do for the least of these” garbage. You know, you’re really starting to take all the fun out of leaving this pagan planet behind. Where’s your self-righteous Schadenfreude?!

What, you’re Googling?! This is no time to search the Internet!! With my luck, you probably have a 3G phone.

Okay, fine, I concede the point. Rapture theology didn’t really emerge until the 17th century in the good ole United States—I mean, the British Colonies.

Ah, Cotton Mather. Where would we and those Salem Witches be without that old superstitious pamphleteer?

Now before you go getting all critical thinking on me, just consider the economic impact of Christian End Times Paranoia. I mean, you yourself said you were an Amazon stockholder. The Left Behind series alone has sold 63 frickin’ million copies!! That’s practically the GDP of Malta!

So you’ve got to follow me—if for no reason other than to keep Christian bookstores open forever. Of course, in about 15 minutes, I’m not sure who will be around to operate them. Soon there will be hordes of hapless, unsaved Baphomet worshipers wandering the streets for a time, time and a half. Surely some of them will wander into a local Family Christian Store and snag some DC Talk albums and suddenly realize what they’ve been missing all along.

Will you come now, pretty please? Besides, you look ultra-hot in that slinky Virgin Galactic Uhura miniskirt. And I just can’t stand the thought of beaming up to my Maker without a dame on my shoulder.

Good, let’s get a move on.

INTERMISSION

Yawn!

Man, my calves are cramping. Yours, too? Do you think Mr. Cameron was being serious about staying in the fetal position the whole time?

Yeah, I agree. Time to call it a morning. May as well go deliver my sermon now.

Gosh darnit. One of these days, Christ will return. Just like it says in Daniel and Revelation. Or whatever book Hal Lindsey wrote last week.

Please turn in your hymnal to No. 1987.

Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

5. Ghost Rider Cruises Demon Hog Into the End Times, over at Entertainment Weekly: “‘Left Behind’ Trailer: Nicolas Cage Faces the Rapture”

On October 3, the most insipid and worthless film in the history of Hollywood—yes, even worse than Showgirls, Tango & Cash and Sliver combined—will make its way to a Cineplex near you.

To make matters worse, it even stars Nicolas Cage.

Go ahead and watch the trailer for Left Behind now. Then try to forget it ever existed.

I’m just going to say this one time between now and October. Well, that’s a lie. What I mean is: I’m just going to say this one thing over and over again between now and October.

It’s a quote from “The Bible, Rated X: From Adam’s Snake to the Horny Beast”:

“In the past millennium, not one generation has gone by without Christians insisting that the Book of Revelation points to Christ’s imminent return, and that all of the text’s cryptic references can easily be mapped to the current political world. And every single generation has been spectacularly wrong.”

Guess what? Just because you replace Kirk Cameron with Nicolas Cage in the remake doesn’t make it any less false.

Left Behind is what happens when you let a bunch of hermeneutical sell-swords rule the theological henhouse. (Apologies for the mixed metaphor.)

Continued on page 2


Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

Comments

Facebook comments

Pages: 1 2

  • Rebecca

    Love your writing! Brilliantly funny and sharp. Coming from an ex fundy…who was taught the rapture would follow Hal Lindsey’s book.