Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Banks on the $pirit

jesus-savesHello, Deacon Duvet here!

I’m filling in for Pastor Pillow, who’s on a mission trip in Haiti this week. He’s overseeing the airdrop of 50,000 Camouflage NIV Bibles upon Cité Soleil, one of the worst slums on Planet Earth. If only those pathetic Haitians had the faith of a Grey Poupon mustard jar—then they too could enjoy the terrestrial trappings of the Prosperity Gospel—minus Tiffany’s, of course.

Reverend Franklin Graham says we ought to avoid Tiffany’s altogether now, as well as any other company that treats homosexuals equitably. There goes Disney; no more Frozen. Kraft? Oh, who likes Velveeta? Dang, BlueCross too. Good thing we all agree that health insurance is satanic. Coca-Cola? Guess that means Pepsi’s it. Darn, Levi Strauss is on the list. Well, here are my pants. If Fruit of the Loom is on there, we’re going to have a fig leaf problem.

Anyway, our fearless Chief Pastoral Officer is overseeing the entire Bible Drop mission from Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries’ temporary beachside resort HQ near Croix Des Bouquets—formerly Club Med Magic Haiti. In fact, the good pastor’s fingers are probably drenched in lobster butter, griot orange sauce dripping from his chin, even as we speak.

Meanwhile, Sister Marilyn and I are sitting here in a Quonset hut thousands of miles away on the remote offshore banking isle of Nauru. As soon as CZC Ministry’s Chief Actuary pushes enter on her Apple iMac, the funds of every major Christian fundamentalist organization in the world will be converted to CZC-Coins. And the dawn of Christendom Currency will break!

Like Jesus said: Give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and unto your fellow Christians a form of decentralized virtual currency that permits you to live in complete socioeconomic isolation from all transgenders, Muslims, gays, Democrats, non-Messianic Jews and global warmers—in short, all sinners. Yes, soon you’ll be able to enjoy a night out on the town at your local Chik-Fil-A or In N Out and then head on over to Hobby Lobby to buy some evening crafts—all without having to spend a single pagan penny.

I’m so excited. We’re on the verge of the greatest moment in Christian history since John Calvin set up shop in Geneva. Want a market tip? Invest in the Christian flag industry. Because within moments Christian currency will be a reality, and the rest of Heathen Earth will continue to dance the Sodom and Gomorrah salsa right to the very precipice of Lake Hellfire.

Are you ready, Sister Marilyn? Engage!

What do you mean you can’t push the button? Well, who cares if CZC Ministries operates on a Cisco network. Oh, they’re on “the list.” What, Apple too?! There goes your iMac. And Oracle?! Aren’t we using an Oracle ERP—never mind. Xerox?! Bloody hell! So you’re telling me we can’t even make so much as a photocopy anymore?!

Crap. Back to the drawing board. Hmm. I wonder if we could talk Pastor Pillow into a pomade-based currency.

Please open your Prosperity Gospel hymnals to No. 1221.

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
Money, money, money
Always sunny

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

5. Don’t Forget the Boycott on Tiffany’s, via Facebook: “Franklin Graham’s June 5 ‘Wells Fargo’ Post”

It’s been nearly impossible to avoid news about Franklin Graham’s premature withdrawal from LBGTQ-banking ally Wells Fargo. (Premature, only because Graham then deposited his ministry’s funds into the seemingly equally LBGTQ-friendly BB&T.)

Yet take two minutes and read Graham’s original Facebook post above. Forgotten in all the banking hoopla is Graham’s call for boycotting Tiffany’s.

Damn, now just where is a righteous, upstanding Christian fundamentalist supposed to buy an ABC Bears sterling silver feeding spoon?! Fine, mock me, but you try finding a $12,500 18K gold wide cuff bracelet at the Dollar General.

Best article I’ve seen yet on the subject: Charlotte Observer’s “Should We All Just Boycott Franklin Graham?”

In a word—well, four words: Choose Civilization; flush Graham.

4. Evangelical Leader Comes Out for LGBTQ “Full Acceptance,” over at Patheos: “Tony Campolo Calls for Full Inclusion of Gay & Lesbian Christians”

At some point in the past 50 years, non-fringe conservative America finally let go of its idiotic opposition to interracial marriage on religious (and all other) grounds. We now may be seeing the beginning of the end of mainstream fundamentalism’s opposition to LGBTQ full communion.

You may not know who Tony Campolo is, but he released a statement this week calling for “the full acceptance of Christian gay couples into the Church.” Trust me, it’s a really big deal.

Tony Campolo is one of the good guys deep down. I once attended a lecture given by Campolo at my university. Mr. Campolo has a reputation for spitting while speaking—he really gets into his presentations. Me and several friends sat in the front row. When his presentation began, we took out umbrellas and opened them. He laughed heartily.

Deep into his talk, he made the following statement: “Throughout our world today, thousands of children will perish for want of basic needs: food, medicine, shelter. You know what I think? I think that’s shitty. Now ask yourself: are you more upset that thousands of children are dying unnecessarily or that I just used the word ‘shit’? Think carefully about that.”

Those words had a major impact on my life. There is no doubt in my mind that his words this week will have an equal impact on tens of thousands of individuals around the country.

3. Open Letter Ping Pong with Michael Brown, a la Charisma News: “An Open Letter to Tony Campolo”

Dear Dr. Brown:

Unless you intend to advocate that all divorced Christians immediately be thrown out of every church—and, well, even if you do—take your homophobic open letter to Tony Campolo and nshuq theezee.

Sorry, my Assyrian is a little rusty, but you’re the emeru with the Ph.D. in Near Eastern Studies. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.


2. Shameless Plug Alert! Pastor Pillow & Brother Bob Light Up the Lord’s Airwaves, over at The H.O.R.N.: “Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday on ‘The Bob Kincaid Show’ (June 10, 2015, Archive)”

Hold on to your Brylcreem! The inimitable voice of Pastor Pillow is now on national radio every other week!

Gather around ye ole computer with a big Tupperware container of ambrosia salad and click the link above. Listen to the June 10 “Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday” podcast: Pastor Pillow and Brother Bob tackle transgender powder room checks at Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries, Franklin Graham’s lucre and whatever other subjects the Spirit moves them to discuss.

Pastor Pillow arrives on his Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries dirigible at about the 15-minute mark. That’s when the righteous raconteurs really rev it up!

(“Prayer Meetin’ Wednesday” starts each week at 6 p.m. ET on The Bob Kincaid Show. Come on by and listen live—feel free to call in too. Pastor Pillow’s next appearance will be Wednesday, June 24.)

1. Christianity Today and Louis C.K. Join Forces…Er, Well, Quit Simultaneously, via Christianity Today: “Why Bloggers Are Calling It Quits”

Just 1 reason I’m including this: a CT author stated she’s looking forward to what Louis CK has to say. Period. & lightning did not strike.

Nailed it in 139 characters! Tweetable. Sweet.

More seriously, a recent Washington Post article took a stab at estimating the current number of bloggers in the United States: 106 million.

Good Lord, I hope about 105.8 million others quit too.

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. 1953.

If you got it you don’t need it
If you need it you don’t got it
You don’t get shame on you
Funny funny funny what money can do

Progressives, the November Elections are—damn, you missed it. It’s too late. While we Progressives sat around drinking craft beer, more than one-third of our fellow fundamentalist countrymen rushed to the polls and elected the most idiotic group of human beings ever yet to rule a superpower.

But don’t worry. We’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization (subliminal hyperlink to Bernie 2016) on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully we can all get off our Balaam’s asses this time and find a voting booth.

Also, Human Beings Everywhere: FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE!

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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