Two extra-large deep dish pizzas with anchovies and black olives, right?
Listen, I know you’re just a pimple-faced pizza delivery dude, but you’re about to witness history, kid—as in the Two Witnesses of the Book of Revelation. So pay attention.
Say, I’ve seen you before. You’re Carol and Dan Babbage’s boy, right? Didn’t you and a couple of youth group kids TP Glory Hole Ministries awhile back? Man, I can’t stand that Brother Bear guy who runs that place—always going on about The Golden Rule. Nice TP job, by the way. Remind me to add an extra 20 bucks to your tip.
Anyway, there I was the other day, sitting on my $4,100 Kohler Purist Hatbox throne, rereading Hal Lindsey’s The Late Great Planet Earth, when suddenly it dawned on me: God has called yours truly to lead the People of God into the End Times.
Everything is in place: clearly Russia and Ukraine are the Gog and Magog of Ezekiel 38, the nations of the north which the Lord God Almighty has destined to swoop down upon the Jesus-murdering State of Israel, thereupon ushering in the thousand-year Kingdom of Christ on Earth.
Yes, I realize that Jesus already established his “Kingdom of God” with all that “love your neighbor” crap, but I’m talking about the whole antichrist, multi-headed dragon, Whore of Babylon fireworks shebang! Much more interesting and dramatic, you know: “The mountains will be overturned! The cliffs will crumble! Every wall will fall to the ground!”
(Also, between you and me, if a downed airliner filled with AIDS researchers isn’t a sign of God pouring out the wrath bowl, then what is? Winky-winky.)
Man, I’ve never felt so certain in the Spirit about anything—not since I predicted that our Kenyan-born President’s bombing of Syria would bring about the End Times. Okay, so I was wrong about that—but this time I’m right!
Obviously, this called for a special offering. So we raised a cool $1.4 million during the evening service last Wednesday and in the ensuing three days completely renovated the Cubic Zirconia Cathedral Ministries Pastoral Romp Room in order to host the Mideast Ping-Pong Peace Accords.
Crucial to our little “apocalyptic accords” was the KillerSpin Revolution SVR-B Ping Pong Table Tennis Table. Behind this door at this very moment, Vladimir Putin, Petro Poroshenko, Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas are engaged in a final session of End Times negotiations over a gentleman’s game of ping-pong.
At first, Vladimir and Petro agreed to put aside their differences and take on Bennie and Mahmoud to determine the fate of Planet Earth. But Vlad kept redrawing the center line, and soon Petro was relegated all the way over to the zinc bar. I don’t think Petro minded, though—not once I pulled out the bottle of Magnum Grey Goose.
Before I knew it, Vlad cut a deal with Bennie, and suddenly Russia and Israel had teamed up against poor old Mahmoud and Palestine. Then they even made up a new rule that Sunnis had to play without paddles, and in fact, Mahmoud was only allowed to hit balls that landed on the table edge between the doubles sideline and the singles sideline.
Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve hogtied the poor man by now. Gonna be awfully hard to serve with both arms tied to his feet. Still, the guy complains an awful lot for a president—no wonder people don’t get behind their cause. Geez, and with all that oceanfront Mediterranean property—what a griper!
Truth be told, though, the whole End Times deal is pretty much off the table tennis table now. Yet when God closes a doomsday door, he opens another.
Now I’m a full business partner with Bennie and Vlad on what we’re calling the Ultimate Holy Lands-Holocaust Travel Venture. Wealthy U.S. Evangelicals will fly directly on Cubic Zirconia Air for the traditional gawk and awe tours of Jerusalem, the Sea of Galilee, etc., and from there will fly to Sochi, Russia, where we’re going to convert the Olympics facilities into the world’s first Holocaust Theme Park. Vlad was happy to stick it to the Germans, and, well, what can I say, this should keep everyone’s minds off those whiny Palestinians for the next few decades.
Do you know that someone actually tried to convince me the other day that there’s such a thing as a Palestinian Christian? What a hoot!
Well, at this point, I don’t even know that there’s a point in going back in the Romp Room. My deal with Vlad and Bennie is official, and I’m sure they’ve moved on to giving Mahmoud atomic wedgies. And poor Petro’s probably singing “Hej Sokoly” to himself in the corner.
Let’s just head up to the sanctuary. Sunday service is about to start. Say, if you donate that $20 tip to today’s special offering for the Super Bowl XLIX luxury box mission trip, I’ll make sure you’re the first to ride the Schindler Corkscrew Flume.
Please open your hymnal to No. 39.
And they bring good news of a world so newly born…
For the earth is old and grey, little darling we’ll away
But my love this cannot be
Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!
5. Religions Don’t Kill People, People Kill People, over at Christian Post: “Palestinian Christian: Western Christians Don’t Understand Gaza/Israeli Conflict”
Latest posts by Arik Bjorn (see all)
- Puerto Rican Paper Towels to Buchenwald Bread Crumbs: #RESIST, While You Still Have Time - October 6, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: Sneak Preview Redux - August 22, 2017
- “So I Ran for Congress”: A Sneak Preview - August 4, 2017
Pages: 1 2