Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Covets Bush’s Balls & Flees the Central American Children’s Crusade

gw-bush-volleyballMr. President, quick grab your balls and follow me! No, Mr. W., sir, not those balls. Your Presidential golf balls!

I’ve got signed balls by every President going back to Ike. It would be a shame not to add yours to my collection.

Anyway, we don’t have much time! I can see the Central American Children’s Crusade coming up over the hill that adjoins the 17th Green!

O, the humanity! I see them swarming around the Athletes for Bush Contingency. Golly gee! John Elway and Karl Malone devoured in mere seconds!

Sir, those kids are ravenous. It’s like they’ve been eating empty tortillas for months! Don’t they have Flintstones Vitamins down in Tegucigalpa?

Quick, jump in the Hammacher Schlemmer Golf Craft Hovercraft! It’s powered by a 65-horsepower, twin-cylinder Hirth engine with nine-blade axial-flow ducted fan. We’ll be going 45 miles per hour before you can shove your balls in your pocket!

I knew this little hover-buggy would come in handy. That’s why we reserved Third Offering the other Sunday especially for it. In fact, the way things are going, it might be the only good thing that comes from the First Annual George W. Bush Cubic Zirconia Pro-Am Beach Volleyball Golf Tournament.  (And to think we had all that sand imported from Tel Aviv.)

No, sir, I honestly don’t think there’s enough time for you to paint the children. Yes, perhaps it would make an interesting bucolic, Children of the Corn theme. But it would be pretty hard to get the girls beach volleyball team to pose in the foreground, as most of them are dead. Along with your entire Secret Service detail, sir. And a good many parishioners. Dang, I’m going to have to replace almost the entire Wednesday Ladies Night Avon Committee.

Like a plague of locusts. Locusts, sir? Well, they’re like grasshoppers—only much hungrier. Taste good with honey.

Boy, this really chaps my hide. All those wealthy Caucasian Evangelicals torn to pieces by that zombie horde of illegals! I’ll tell you what, sir, just you wait; once that Kenyan leaves the White House, we’ll see if I don’t put his real balls in my trophy case for what he’s done here.

Socialist Beast of the Sea with Seven Heads and Ten Horns Faux Hawaiian if ever I saw one! Trying to enter us into the age of a Wormwood One-World Government with his damned health care and that repugnant, Whore of Babylon William Wilberforce Trafficking Victims Protection Reauthorization Act.

And did you know that William Wilberforce wasn’t even an American abolitionist?! There the “President” goes again, naming laws after some foreign philanthropist!

What’s that? You mean you actually signed that law, sir? Are you sure about that? Check this link? Well, yes, sir, I can do that. Holy cow.

Well, surely the Kenyan has something to do with this whole thing. No, sir, I’m sure you wouldn’t know. Yes, sir, I understand. I’m sure it does take a long time to learn how to tell the difference between acrylic and oil paint. True, and then there’s all that canvas stretching. Not to mention picking out just the perfect straw hat and corncob pipe.

Well, regardless of who signed what, about 50,000 starving Central American minors are about to show up at Cubic Zirconia Cathedral. I can make out the spires and parapets in the distance now.

Let’s see if I can get Blake the Sexton on the walkie-talkie. chchch Blake! chchch Engage End Times Mode as soon as we clear the perimeter! chchch Pastor Pillow over.

Don’t worry, Mr. President. We have enough Kraft singles to last for months. Yep, peanut butter and honey, too. And, heck, if you wanted to fall off the wagon a wee bit, I’ve got an entire barrel of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey waiting in the Pastor Pillow Romp Room.

Well, we’ve cleared the perimeter. We should be in the Cubic Zirconia Cathedral safe zone. Let’s idle for a minute and watch all the little kiddies plow into the force field.

Here they come!

Wow, that’s really something to behold. Who knew children could pile up that high?

Maybe we should call someone. Is your friend Michael Brown still in charge of that agency that helps Arabian horses and poor folk?

Man, oh, man, what’s a good Christian to do, other than find a big boat and ship them all back to El Nicaduras? Or maybe we could find some generous Scandinavian country willing to take them in. Yeah, I’m pretty sure Jesus would just FedEx them to Helsinki.

Well, sir, looks like it’s just you and me for the Sunday morning service.

Mr. President, please put down your balls and grab a hymnal. Turn to No. 112.

Check, check—yo, I know somethin you don’t know
And I got somethin to tell ya
You won’t believe how many people, straight doubted the flow
HEY, MUST BE THE MONEY!

Need a couple of good summary pieces on the U.S. border humanitarian crisis? Try these:

Katie Couric’s “Child Immigration Crisis” (Yahoo! News)

“Immigrant Surge Rooted in Law to Curb Child Trafficking” (New York Times)

Meanwhile, let us not forget that currently there are children sleeping inside cages in this country. No matter what anyone says, there is ALWAYS room for one more child. ALWAYS. Otherwise, Lady Liberty and her “New Colossus” hope is a farce.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

5. If Christians Can’t Protect Children, Christianity is Horse [CENSORED], over at Los Angeles Times: “Pastor, Church Members Plead Guilty to Beating 13-Year-Old Boy”

Hey, is Anonymous out there? If so, here’s the link to Heart of Worship Community Church in Corona, California. They may want to “check out” their website.

Also, here’s the church’s contact information via the same website:

496 Sloan Drive, Corona CA 92879
949.413.1585
[email protected]

However, you might have a difficult time reaching Reverend Lonny Lee Remmers by email for the next few years—especially after he pled guilty to a Bible Study Gone Wild, during which two adults in his church apparently followed his instructions and drove a 13-year-old boy into the desert and forced him to dig his own grave. I don’t know what’s worse, that or when the minor was zip-tied to a chair and had mace sprayed in his face, then had salt rubbed into open cuts on his back.

And I’m really trying to figure out just where in the Bible Jesus instructed his followers to squeeze the nipples of a teenage boy with pliers!!

Don’t just be appalled! Be alert!

If you are a member of a church or faith community, be the proactive one who asks what checks are in place to hold leadership accountable when it comes to the safety of children. If something looks suspicious, raise a flag. Heck, raise two flags! And if no one listens, reach out to the authorities. Persist!

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Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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