Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Covets Bush’s Balls & Flees the Central American Children’s Crusade

Trust me, you’ll sleep better at night knowing you went through the trouble TO MAKE SURE.

As for the assholes in ministry hurting children, I would hate to be the person who has to answer to an Almighty Omnipotent Being. We don’t preach fire and brimstone here at CRWRU. Guess why: we don’t have to. God takes care of Creation—in ways beyond our ability to understand.

Also, we don’t spend a lot of time throwing Bible verses onto billboards. (By the way, did you know that Bible verses are arbitrary?) But every now and again it’s a good idea to recall the words of Christ as reported in the Gospel of Matthew:

“Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”

4. Google Aims to Please Fundie Group Morality in Media, over at Christian Post: “Google Bans Porn, Sexually Explicit Ads; Christian Group Hails Enforcement”

This article makes me chuckle, and it may or may not have something to do with the number of times this column has been [CENSORED] by a certain Internet company that starts with the letter “G.”

You should be aware of the gravitational pull of the fundie national group Morality in Media. Every year, they present a “Dirty Dozen List” of individuals and organizations that “contribute to a culture of sexual exploitation.”

Wait, that sounds like a good thing, right?

Um, here are some of the names on the Morality in Media Dirty Dozen List: Attorney General Eric Holder, Yale University, Facebook, Barnes & Noble, the American Library Association (WTF?!), and Cosmopolitan Magazine, which is described as “full-on pornographic.”

So, good to know that Morality in Media basically controls Google business policy these days:

In May, Morality in Media had “a productive meeting with GOOGLE about how they can help protect individuals, families and children from exploitation.” Hysen Sisco from the group’s Porn Harms section says, “Today we see the fruits of that meeting.”

Thank God that Morality in Media doesn’t have the same sway with the Department of Justice and the American Library Association.

Want to know the ironic kicker? I can’t directly tell you why, but I’m not even allowed to quote verbatim Google’s recent communication to its advertisers:

Beginning in the coming weeks, we’ll no longer accept ads that promote graphic depictions of sexual acts including, but not limited to, [CENSORED]; graphic sexual acts including sex acts such as [CENSORED]; [CENSORED], [CENSORED], and [CENSORED] activity.

3. Brylcream Prophet Suggests Obamacare Sign of End Times, over at YouTube: “Does Obamacare Increase the Risk of America Supporting One World Government Measures?”

Three out of five televangelists recommend Obamacare for an End Times One-World Government Dictatorship. Sigh.

Texas megachurch nutter Matthew Hagee doesn’t directly say Obamacare will lead to the Apocalypse. It’s merely “the kind of behavior that allows that.” Well, that and it’s a hop, skip and a jump from there to the Mark of the Beast.

Okay, just a point of clarification here for you to share with your Tea Party neighbors who tote bazookas in fear of a “one-world government”:

Please tell me where in the Bible it describes the number of allowable world governments?

Seriously, I can wait all day.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. It doesn’t. ANYWHERE.

At present, there are 206 sovereign states on our Little Blue Planet. (Ironically, the writers of the New Testament probably wouldn’t have been able to name more than five, and most individuals living in Palestine at the time probably would have just said, “Um, other than Rome…?”)

Never forget: The End Times is a propaganda tool used by wealthy church ministers to control you and keep you afraid. To quote myself:

“In the past millennium, not one generation has gone by without Christians insisting that the Book of Revelation points to Christ’s imminent return, and that all of the text’s cryptic references can easily be mapped to the current political world.  And every single generation has been spectacularly wrong.

2. Gun-Toting Monkeys Take Over the Planet (and We’re Not Talking about the Tea Party), over at Christianity Today: “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes”

I laugh aloud when reading quasi-religious reviews of schlock Hollywood films. Reviewers at rags like Christianity Today are compelled to “go there” with Evangelical critiques of things like moral equivalence in a film about Ken Hamean, hyper-developed simians that suddenly overcome humanity.

Dude, it’s the friggin’ Planet of the Apes series!

Tell you what, though: if we’re not careful, we lesser-developed primates, with our military industrial complex and our drones, might just blow the planet to hell.

1. Your Strange Mating Behavior Daily Devotional (with apologies to Morality in Media), via Neatorama: “30 Strangest Animal Mating Habits”

It’s Vacation Bible School season, folks! And this upcoming week, Bible Baptist Church of Buffalo is hosting a Weird Animal VBS camp.

We’re offering a couple of weird animal mating tales to supplement Bible Baptist Church’s curriculum. After all, the animal kingdom is always a good reminder of how reproduction ain’t as simple as the Evangelical Ringleaders would have us believe. Here are a few highlights:

  1. During mating, a drone bee’s “genitals explode and snap off inside the queen.”
  2. The female red-sided garter snake releases a pheromone that attracts hundreds of males and results in a giant herpetological sex ball.
  3. Sometimes male dolphins become so horny that they attempt to mate with sea turtles.
  4. And, finally, meet the whiptail lizard, which Evolution has forced into a dreaded life of satanic lesbianism. Why? Because all whiptail lizards are female. Well, it’s more complex than that; the phenomenon is known as parthenogenesis. Read about it here.

That’s a wrap!

Today, we have a special guest musical recessional. Let ’er rip, Mr. Taylor.

Turn the radio on
To a down-home drawl
Hear a brylcream prophet with a message for y’all

Progressives, the November Elections are this many days away!

And one-third of your fellow countrymen heading to the polls are fundamentalists who think that Attorney General Eric Holder, the American Library Association and Cosmopolitan Magazine form a great Confederacy of Porn.

You and they will be voting for the following political offices:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

A Progressive Vote is a vote for Civilization.

p.s. A final toot salute for Kissing Fish and The Golden Rule. Two awesome pages that the CRWRU support!

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Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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