Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Descends into ChristianMingle with Chuck Norris & Oscar as Guides

unnamed-25Pastor Pillow here!

Hold me.  Thrill me.  Kiss Me.  Kill me.  And open your hymnals to No. 1939.

If you prefer a more subdued version, please turn to No. 422.

Today the world’s attention is squarely centered (pun intended) on two quarterbacks whose hands will spend a good portion of the evening tucked under the loins of a lineman teammate.  Jesus taught us that one’s left hand and right hand should never know what the other is up to.  Yet I’m guessing that both of Peyton Manning’s hands probably wish this were the case.

On this Super Bowl Sunday, I have chosen a higher call than pigskin.  I am of course referring to the call of divine erotic love.

Being a single parent divorced dad ain’t easy.  Even my six-year-old daughter has started ragging on me that I don’t have a girlfriend.

So it’s time to throw my raggedy halo into the ring of Christian dating sites.  Do a little mating dance.  Make a little agape loveGet down tonight.

What I do today I do on behalf of progressive Christians everywhere!  (Come on, we’ve all seen the ads; admit it, you’re just as curious as I am.)

Hold on!  What if I still have one foot “in the world” and one foot in Christo et Regno?  Will I still be welcome?  Let’s find out.

Okay, pulling up the URL.

Aww.  Just look at that banner:  “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

I was kind of hoping for Proverbs 5:19:  “A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”  But I guess Solomonic wisdom is kind of one-sided these days.

Hey, what’s this option?  “Submit a Prayer Request.”

No, the “Three in One Prayer” is probably not what you think.

Now on to “Join Free.”  Yes, I am a MAN SEEKING WOMAN.  Wait a second.  But what if I were a “MAN SEEKING MAN”?  Or “WOMAN SEEKING WOMAN”?  Must be a temporary site glitch.

My height.  SIX FOOT.  (I note that at ChristianMingle God doesn’t have matches for anyone under four-foot-six.  One must be of a certain stature for a divine match.  Sorry, little people.)

Body type.  Wait a second.  I was expecting categories like “Mosaic” and “Davidic” and “Pauline” and “Jeroboam.”  Fine, MUSCULAR will have to do.  (Waiting for lightning to strike.)  Eye color BLUE, hair color ALL THREE REMAINING ARE GRAY.

Ethnicity.  NORWEGIAN.  Thankfully Bob Jones doesn’t run this place.  Even Palestinian Christians are permitted entry!

Occupation:  SMART-ASS COLUMNIST.

Smoke?  [CENSORED]  Drink?  WHISKEY AND THE MORNING AFTER BLOG.

Marital Status:  I HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD.  TWICE.

Church raised in:  CRAZY CHARISMATIC CULT.

Languages:  GLOSSOLALIA.

What is the name of the church/ministry I attend?  PASTOR PILLOW’S LUXURIOUS SLEEPING CHAMBER.  (Actually, I wrote AVIGNON PAPACY.)

Describe my personality:  CHECK OUT MY FORWARD PROGRESSIVES ARCHIVES.

Do I want to receive emails from DailyBibleVerse.com?  NO.  I ALREADY OWN A BIBLE.  ALSO, BIBLE VERSES ARE ARBITRARY MARKERS CREATED BY FRENCH PRINTER HENRI ESTIENNE IN 1551.

Church my partner should attend.  Um…PASTOR PILLOW’S OTHER PILLOW?

Bingo!  I’m in!  The world of Christian single maidens awaits!  Okay, time to upload a photo.  This should do.

Ah, yes.  Now filling in the fun stuff.  “Music.”  “Movies.”  “Outdoor activities.”

DRINKING ON MY PORCH.  MASHED POTATOES.  ANYTHING BILL BRYSON OR BBC AMERICA.  BILL NYE EVOLUTION DEBATES.

But where is Politics?  There it is!  “Conservative.”  “Into the Wind.”  “Liberal.”  “Moderate.”  “Open Minded.”  “Socialist.”  “Ultra Conservative.”

Wow, way more categories than I anticipated.  Have to get them some credit there.  That said, where is the “More Liberal than Bernie Sanders” category?

Next up:  “Relationship Readiness.”

“Are You Comfortable With Your Body?”  “Do You Have Trouble Controlling Your Anger?”  “Are You an Anxious Person?”  “Do You Have Anyone to Turn to in Times of Trouble?”  “I Feel Nervous When Things Don’t Work Out For Me.”

Geez, is the NSA reading any of this?!

Let’s skip ahead to “Advanced Search.”

Keywords:  ALYSSA MILANO.

Search Results:  ZERO.  DUDE, GET A CLUE:  SHE’S MARRIED.

Oh, didn’t realize that.  Not particularly up on celebrities these days.

Keywords:  JULIETTE BINOCHE.

Search Results:  YOU?  HAHAHAHAHA!  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THE ENGLISH PATIENT?  LISTEN, PAL, WE DON’T THINK THIS SITE IS FOR YOU.  COME ON, YOU’RE AN IMPOSTER!  YOU USED A GEORGE CLOONEY PHOTO.  SPEAKS IN TONGUES?  GOES TO CHURCH IN THE PAPAL CASTLE AT AVIGNON?  NICE TRY.  NOW GO FIND A NICE PAGAN GIRL ON MATCH OR EHARMONY.  LIKE SOMEONE IN HERE HAS EVER READ FOUCAULT’S PENDULUM.

Sigh.  They’re probably right.

Better post my predicament on the “Prayer Wall” and consider my options.

In the meantime, here’s the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up.

5.  You Mean Not Everyone on ChristianMingle is Who They Say They Are?!, according to Christian Post: Woman Looking for ‘God’s Match’ on Christian Mingle Finds Nigerian Con Man Who Tricks Her Out of $500,000”

We begin, naturally, with a ChristianMingle scandal.

A 66-year-old San Jose, California, woman looking to “find God’s Match” unfortunately fell victim to the oldest Internet trick in the book.  As it turns out, her would-be Nigerian “Man of God” Prince Charming, David Holmes, was anything but.

Yes, someone actually fell for the Nigerian “I’m a Scottish oil-rigger and need a half-million bucks to cover my oil business loan” scam.

Whether or not the unidentified victim had posted any selfies with toilets in the background on her Christian Love Nest Profile remains unknown.  But trust me, it gets better.

Actually, not quite for the unidentified victim, who is forever out $300,000, as Santa Clara County (CA) District Attorney officials, collaborating with the Turkish National Police, could only recover $200,000 of the woman’s $500,000 wire transfer.

And just what is the name of the Nigerian national who showed up in Turkey to collect his ill-gotten gains?

Wisdom.  Wisdom Onokpite.

Folks, sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.

When it comes to matters of the heart, Wisdom is not always on your side.

4.  Chuck Norris, Theological Bad Ass, Weighs in on Bhang and Booze, over at the American Family Association: “Alcohol vs. Marijuana (Part 1)”

The first thing you’re going to ask is whether this blog was penned by THE Chuck Norris.

I have no idea.  And the American Family Association makes it nearly impossible to find out.

Also, I really just want to imagine that the star of The Octagon, Delta Force and Lone Wolf McQuade is now actually blogging for the right-wing American Family Association, which has as its Action Statement calls to:

  • restrain evil by exposing the works of darkness, and
  • promote virtue by upholding in culture that which is right, true and good according to Scripture

Definitely sounds like the Chuck Norris you and I both love!

The same Chuck Norris who created his own universe in a mere five and a half days and spent the next day and a half beating the bajeezus out of Beelzebub.

The same Chuck Norris who outdid our Lord and Savior by turning the water into Kentucky bourbon.

The same Chuck Norris who tore down the walls of Jericho with just a sneer.

The same Chuck Norris who—but I digress.

As for the blog itself, I wouldn’t exactly call it literary Chun Kuk Do mastery.

If nothing else, it serves as a reminder that the Radical Right wants us all to be afraid—be very afraid!—about pot:

“To say marijuana isn’t so dangerous as alcohol is like saying a plain doughnut isn’t so bad for us as a glazed one. The point is what? Wouldn’t it simply be better to ditch the doughnuts from our diets and try whole-wheat toast with organic peanut butter and sliced bananas as a more nutritious way to start our days?”

Chuck “the Blogger” Norris concludes:  “I’m all for freedom, but when liberty turns into licentiousness—”

Oh, give me a break.

What are you advocating here, Chuck?  Prohibition, Part Deux?

All things in moderation.  Period.  End of story.

3.  All Christian Films Go to Heaven—Unless they Violate Oscar Policy, so reports The Christian Post:  After Academy Awards Yanks His Oscar Nomination, ‘Alone Yet Not Alone’ Composer Says He Has Been ‘Discredited,’ Reputation ‘Besmirched, Sullied’”

A few weeks back, we reported that the Christian film Alone Yet Not Alone had received an unexpected Oscar nomination for Best Original Song.  (As a reminder, a Christian movie is one that will be whisked away during the Rapture, as opposed to all those pagan films like Bambi and Annie that are headed to hell in a hand basket.)

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST!

Sadly, composer Bruce Broughton’s Oscar dreams have been dashed!  Apparently emails Broughton sent encouraging Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences members to “boldly direct [their] attention to entry #57” were big no-no’s so far as the Academy is concerned.

However, Broughton claims he has been done a horrendous injustice:

“My campaign, which I guess was the production company’s campaign, was limited to writing some emails….just asking them to listen to the song.  I didn’t ask to vote for the song.  I didn’t call anyone up, I didn’t promote the movie.  I didn’t do anything.”

Meh.  Not a very convincing performance.  No Oscar soup for you!

More than anything, I’m disappointed that Ellen DeGeneres and Christian Right Star Rick Santorum, who boldly endorsed the film, now won’t be doing that Fred Astaire-Ginger Rogers Pennsylvania Dutch pioneer song and dance routine during the Academy Awards opening number.

Okay, maybe I’m being a little too hard.

Even though the pre-performance prayer by quadriplegic activist and singer Joni Eareckson Tada may leave some readers squeamish, “Alone Yet Not Alone” is a pretty song—I mean, if you find things like Thomas Kinkade paintings beautiful.  Um, er…  Yeah, just not my kind of thing.

2.  Vegas Won’t Take Super Bowl Bets from Jesus, via the Gospel Herald:  “Super Bowl 2014 Life On and Off the Field with Jesus – Pastor Mark Driscoll Interviews Seattle Seahawks Chris Maragos, Clint Gresham, Coach Rocky Seto”

First of all, can some of these Christian Media editors start using shorter headlines?

And what’s with all this namedropping?  Shouldn’t “Jesus” be enough?

What’s that?  My article has a long title too?  And it namedrops?  Ahem.  I’m mimicking!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Until an athlete somewhere on our Little Blue Planet stares into the camera and thanks God that his team just lost, I just don’t care about sports and Jesus.

Look, Mr. Gresham.  I get it.  “Jesus is your best friend.”

I wish you the best.  You’re a long snapper.  This is a really important contribution to civilization.  No, really, it is.

I’m being too hard again, aren’t I?  Religion is a good thing when applied with a little critical thinking.

So please forgive my cynicism.  But you are playing a game and getting lots of money to play it.  And the older I get, the more I realize that sports is the real opiate of the masses.

1.  Some Article, over at Christian Broadcasting Network:  “Some Title”

We like to end every week on a positive note.  Bing!  What’s that?  Whoa, just received my first “smile” on ChristianMingle!  The arrow of Eros has struck squarely!  This could be the one!  Gotta go.

That’s a wrap!

One last hymn.  Somewhere out there is some loving tenderness for each and every one of us.  Join me and Elvis in this tender ballad, found in your hymnals at No. 816.

And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?

According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. CBN isn’t alone in the 9-figure Radical Right Revenue Game. According to the website Ministry Watch, CBN is dwarfed in comparison to the nearly $900 million raked in annually by the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

But TBN and CBN are mere bright stars in a galactic empire of hundreds of Christian news and media organizations. If you have a few minutes to spare, review the membership lists of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.

Each and every one of these Christian media organizations have one thing in common: they report news to members of the Christian Right across the Fruited Plain. And the Christian Right account for nearly one-third of America’s voters.

Not only that, but here’s a list of what’s on the line in November 2014:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives

—33 seats in the U.S. Senate

—46 State Legislatures

—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Sorry to preach politics from the pulpit, but if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you enough to submit an early 2014 ballot, I don’t know what will.

See you next week.

And a final message for people everywhere, don’t forget: the November 2014 election is this many days away.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Pipercat

    Oh Pastuh, I do declare, if you were to have a spree that offered lemonade, sandies and (wink) mint juleps, your adoring fans of the softer gender would compete for you favuhs. This of course happens aftuh, they recovuh from the vapors your prose will indubitably engenduh!!

    Oh, it’s “The” Chuck Norris because of “The” thing that resides on his head!!

    • The Author

      Hilarious! All I could think of was Jon Stewart doing his Lindsey Graham voice.

      Sincerely,

      Pastuh Pilluh

      • Pipercat

        The muse is in a good mood this morning!

      • Charles Vincent

        Herbal treatment of the lumbago?

      • Pipercat

        You’re so linear.. pish. I’ve discovered the holy sacrament of marital bliss to be the cause of that!

      • Charles Vincent

        Well that was my other guess but I don’t know you well enough to kid around with you like that lol.