Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Parlays with the Islamic State & Rides into the Sunset on a Horny Camel

unnamed-48Pastor Pillow here!

And you must be Ibrahim ibn Awwad ibn Ibrahim ibn Ali ibn Muhammad al-Badri al-Samarrai.

Mind if I call you Ibby? What’s that, you prefer Amir al-Mu’minin Caliph Ibrahim? Gesundheit! Little joke there.

Just call me the Apostolic Officiant of the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Conglomerate, or CEO M.C. Cool Side of the Pillz for short. Ha-ha!

Say, nice tent you have here. I’d recognize a Tabriz rug anywhere. That’s 110 raj, I’m assuming. Beautiful, beautiful. Like I always say, never confuse a fundamentalist conservative madman with someone who doesn’t understand the art of fine living.

Is that a Xbox 360E way out here in the middle of the desert? Maybe you and I can get in a few rounds of Call of Duty: Fourth Crusade, the Pillaging of Constantinople before I leave.

Here, let me just shake off the dust of my feet. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to point my sandals in the direction of those nasty Golden Rule fools over at Glory Holy Ministries back in the States. Trust me, you would hate Brother Bear who runs the place—always going on about peace and civilization.

Before we get started, I did want to mention that one of your toy soldiers sliced off the head of my lead camel. I’m not really sure animals should be held to the whole “Allah or bust” ideology thing. I’m sure my dromedary meant no harm when it sniffed the arse of your second-in-command. Mr. Abu Whatever seriously needs to chill.

I’m sure there’s some sort of you-decapitate-my-camel, you-owe-me-a-humped-ride Islamic State regulation. But, tell you what, I’ll let the whole thing go if you send me home in a Mercedes G-Class.

You might be wondering why I’m here today. And I’d be happy to tell you as soon as you tell that 8 year old to kindly point his Kalashnikov away from my crotch. I’m an NRA member and all, but I’d like to take my gonads home intact.

Thanks. In short, I want to make you a deal. As it stands, I happen to have a caravan of FGM-148 Javelin surface-to-surface missiles out there—it’s amazing what shows up sometimes at a Sunday Third Offering—plus a crap-load of pineapple grenades and FN SCAR assault rifles with your Arabic-scrawled name all over them.

Let’s talk turkey—which is better than going the whole hog with you. Sorry, a little halal-haram joke there.

First, I would be honored if you would review my list of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Revised Bylaws. I need some seasoned feedback on what might happen if, say, I were to return to my home ministry and inform my Board of Trustees that we’ll be turning the squash court into a decapitation chamber and that soon we’ll start training music ministry team members to become assassins.

Where was I? Oh yes, about all those munitions I brought with me—and, first, let’s just thank the Cubic Zirconium ladies bikini softball team for assisting with their delivery. Have you ever seen so many hot mama Lululemon burqa Truth Emissaries?

Anyway, I carry with me a formal message on behalf of the Global Military Industrial Complex. Here, let me just unseal the scroll:

To His Eminence, Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Al-Husseini Al-Qurashi, Supreme Puba of the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham:

We all know that a Tenth Crusade benefits us all. You kill as many of us as you can; we’ll kill as many of you as we can. Let’s keep the machine of war well-oiled, and then spoil some virgins together in the afterlife and count all our coins.

Sincerely,

The Pentagon, Lockheed Martin, Boeing, General Dynamics, Raytheon, et al.

Okay, gotta go. I need to deliver a sermon in a few hours. Any luck on that Mercedes G? What’s this? Hey now, I recognize a camel in estrus when I see one.

Oy. It’s a long way to Tipperary.

Please open your hymnals to No. 69.

B to the A to the N to the G to the uh
B to the A to the N to the G to the hey

Bang, bang
Bang, bang, bang, bang
Bang, bang, bang
Bang, bang, bang, bang

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up.

5. Scholars Condemn Islamic Fundamentalism—When Will American Biblical Scholars Condemn Pat Robertson?, over at Huffington Post: Muslim Scholars Release Open Letter To Islamic State Meticulously Blasting Its Ideology”

Well, it’s about time the Justice League of Muslim Academicians showed up! Where have these folks been?!

It’s not every day that the grand mufti of Egypt and the mufti of Jerusalem and All Palestine weigh in on your average caliphate-in-the-making, but the Islamic State is where the line finally needed to be drawn, apparently.

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Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Stephen Barlow

    Vote hard?

  • Pipercat

    Right Wing Media went venereal! Holy shit Arik, (deliberate choice of words) you should have patented that phrase!!!!!! Consider the concept swiped!!!

    • Arik Bjorn

      Oh, Piper, let’s let them use it for a time, shall well? (This article is copyrighted 2014–nah, it’s no fun unless it’s the guy from NFL Films reading it aloud.)

      • Pipercat

        Also got a chuckle from the spousal unit.