Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Siri Saves the Sabbath, Kirk Cameron Saves Baby Jesus

To read more about the life of Helen Bamber, check out Neil Belton’s biography, The Good Listener: Helen Bamber, A Life Against Cruelty.

4. Gospel vs. Gridiron, via Christianity Today: “Christians, Are You Ready for Some Football?”

“I believe that as Christian fans, we can acknowledge and mourn the fall manifested in football, while still finding God’s redemptive work and light within it.”

So writes Evangelical pigskin fanatic Michelle Rainer.  And I think it’s important to clarify that by “fall” she’s probably referring to Adam and Eve being booted from the Garden of Eden luxury box rather than the period of time following the autumnal equinox.

Man, it makes me really uncomfortable watching Christians attempt to justify violent sport:  “God works in football, a broken institution…”

Please.  I suppose the Creator of the Universe is also hard at work in World of Warcraft, state fair fried foods and Lockheed Martin shareholder meetings.

The problem with football is not so much that it’s a violent sport—it’s that sport itself, and especially football, has become an unbridled obsession for millions of Americans.  Rainer should not have extoled this mere national “pastime”; she should have admitted flat-out that it’s an American idol.

In 2011, one-third of American males spent at least 10 hours per week watching football.  Imagine the impact nationally if the time devoted to fantasy football leagues were instead devoted to community volunteering.

Yeah, I know, I’m the great party pooper.  No Super Bowl soup for me!  But I didn’t go there first.  Thank our Evangelical friends for that.  I’m just trying to clean up the theological mess.

p.s.  Can I get a witness?  I used to be that sports fanatic whose head exploded from a regular season loss, who took months to recover emotionally from a playoff loss.  Then the briefness of my time on Planet Earth really started to register with me.  And I did actually exchange my fantasy football league time for community volunteer time.  And it was so worthwhile.

(Also, I realized that there’s only so much hope a fan of the University of Minnesota and the Minnesota Vikings should ever really waste.)

3. Xirk Xameron Xaves Xmas, thus sayeth Gospel Herald:  “Kirk Cameron’s ‘Saving Christmas’ Movie to Put Jesus Christ Back into Christmas”

I was going to review an article about Kirk Cameron’s passionate love for his own spiritual journey, but instead decided to opt for something much meaningful:  Kirk Cameron’s singlehanded saving of Yuletide.

Guess what?  I’m not exaggerating in the least:

“For too many years Christmas has been attacked and hammered by those outside the church, and it’s even changed how we think about Christmas inside the church,” [Cameron] said in a statement. “My hope for Saving Christmas is that families all across the country will join with my family in putting Christ back into Christmas.”

Next up:  a Kirk Cameron Dr. Who copycat series in which a time traveling, fundamentalist former child star hops in a blue confessional box and visits 1,000 B.C.E., urgently trying to convince a horny King David not to ship Uriah the Hittite to the front lines.  Then the time traveler unwittingly backslides and puts the “bath” in Bathsheba, if you know what I mean.

Seriously, if you thought that was as good as it gets, hop on over to the official “Saving Christmas” website, where you can learn how audiences “will leave…with an understanding of a biblical basis for our celebrations…”

Wait, you mean Linus wasn’t making all of that up when he quoted the Gospel of Luke at length?!  Well, I’ll be.

Xirk Xameron Xaves Xmas.  Xan’t wait.

2. Pronto Pup Jesus, over at Wisconsin Christian News: “Creation Ministry Goes to the Fair”

I swear there are probably a bunch of Islamist State nutjobs sitting around a campfire in Iraq, scrolling through the Wisconsin Christian News, saying to themselves, “You know, when our caliphate is good and secure, we really need to pay closer attention to these guys.”

Creationism evangelist Mary Weigand doesn’t seem to understand why there is hostility aimed at her proselytizing persistence at Wisconsin county fairs.  I don’t know; maybe it’s because she’s been force-feeding fried-cosmological-horseshit-on-a-stick to children:

The fact that God created animals to be plant eaters is foundational to the created world He made.  Genesis 1:30 says, “And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing [sic] that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.”  Conventional science tells us the T-rex was a meat eater.  Did God create him that way, or did something happen to make this once perfect world a cursed world?

Some days the fight for enlightenment and civilization is just.  So.  Hard.

If you know anyone on the fence for the November 2014 Election, please send them this article.

1. What Would Jesus Wear?, via Christian Week: “5 Tips for an Ethical Wardrobe”

The thing is, even the Christian Right hits the mark once in a while.  After the Wisconsin Christian News article above, I was ready to go epistolary postal.  But the five little ethical fashion pointers in this article are spot-on.  And we do like ending on a positive note whenever possible:

1. Read the tag  (who manufactured it and how it was manufactured matters)
2. Don’t let the fashion industry dictate your habits  (develop fashion independence)
3.  Re-evaluate your actual clothing needs  (consume, but consume wisely)
4.  Consider recycled clothing  (be thrifty, literally)
5.  Don’t get discouraged  (your choices make a difference)

Dang, I only wish the author of the “fundie football” article had applied this much common sense to her subject.  And, really, at the end of the day, that’s all we’re really asking for from Christendom.  A little reasonableness goes a long way.

That’s a wrap!

Please open your hymnals to No. 717.

Lips as sweet as candy
Its taste is on my mind
Girl, you got me thirsty
For another cup o’ wine

Progressives, the November Elections are just around the corner: this many days away!

And one-third of your fellow countrymen heading to the polls think that Tim Tebow would make a great Kaiser of Caliphate California.

You and they will be voting for the following political offices:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Remember: A Progressive Vote is a vote for Civilization.

p.s.  Pastor Pillow wrote an e-book.  Buy it here!

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Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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