He’s recovering from a hellish hangover. Who can blame the guy, really? He’s been on a three-month mission to uncover the worst of Christian fundamentalist news headlines. That bag of Kit Kats and bottle of Old Grand-Dad simply had his name on them last night. And you should have seen him mix it all with that can of Hormel ‘Hot & Spicy with Beans!’ Chili. As they say in the old country: Uff-da!
While we lay virtual hands on Pastor Pillow’s GI tract this morning, allow me to introduce myself.
I’m your host, Monty Selaphiel, and welcome to everybody’s favorite game show…
So, Monty here.
We’re all familiar with that little ditty in Genesis 18 & 19: The Utter Annihilation of Sodom & Gomorrah. Remember, three preternatural guests show up at Abraham’s tent flaps and, following a feast of curds and veal, let slip their mission to raze Sodom and Gomorrah. For, you see, the outcry of the twin cities’ grievous sins had reached the far parsecs of heaven.
Next thing you know, Abraham’s nephew Lot makes a break from the divine metropolitan barbecue—though his poor, nameless wife is transformed into a Morton deer lick. And thus to follow are centuries and centuries of persecution of homosexuals by the good men and women of Christendom who assume they are simply finishing the job that Jehovah started.
Case in point, Southern Baptist minister E.W. Jackson, current candidate for Lieutenant Governor of Virginia (we’ll let you guess which political party), who, in a 2011 Virginia Family Foundation summit declared: “How in the world can we expect our military to be blessed by the hand of almighty God if we allow our military to become the equivalent of Sodom and Gomorrah?”
Jackson went on to insist that the United States military is “a repository of traditional values!” Including the murder of innocent civilians through drone strikes, the waging of immoral wars and the war-crimes-level use of irradiated ammunition. Oh wait! Sorry, wrong list. That should be: “Truth, honor and integrity!” Ahem.
Let’s see. Where was I? Oh yes, Evangelicals hypocritically pointing fingers at gays and lesbians. And every-damned-body else. But never…themselves.
Well, we’re fixing that today. I, your host, Monty Selaphiel, emerged yesterday evening from an Oral Roberts-style Prayer Tower session with the Creator of the Universe, having struck a deal.
If I can find but a mere five online articles that bespeak just the merest decency of Evangelical fundamentalists, then God promises not to pancake the United States of America.
(How does it feel to have the finger pointed back at you for once, Reverend Robertson?)
Anyway, watch the NFL this afternoon while you still can. (Not that a Titans-Rams matchup isn’t enough to make one book a one-way ticket to Purgatory.) Then get your ass to this evening 5:30 p.m. service. Who knows whether God will take the five articles below seriously and spare our nation?
As ever, as God herself knows, I am not making up any of this stuff.
5. Evangelicalism Supports the Psychiatric Industry of Tomorrow, so says The Christian Post: “New Musical Hopes to Spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ Through Britney Spears Songs”
“A preview of a successfully crowd-funded musical that sets the story of Jesus’ life to Britney Spears music will play in New York City on November 7.”
Read the above sentence again. Then go buy a bottle of Old Grand-Dad. Drink the entire bottle. Chew some glass shards. Then read this sentence:
Says director Pat Blute: “These are Britney’s lyrics. These are Jesus Christ’s images.”
Yes, I can just see it now: Bartholomew “the lesser heard” disciple singing the lyrics of “I’m a Slave 4 U” whilst wandering the dusty, midnight streets of ancient Jerusalem:
“I know I may come off quiet, I may come off shy / But I feel like talking, feel like dancing when I see this guy.”
Or perhaps a new version of Peter regretting his thrice denial of the Messiah in Caiaphas’ courtyard:
“You see my problem is this / I’m dreaming away / Wishing that heroes, they truly exist / I cry, watching the days / Can’t you see I’m a fool in so many ways / But to lose all my senses / That is just so typically me / Baby, oh … OOPS! I DID IT AGAIN!”
Yes, due to this upcoming musical abortion alone, Evangelicals are poised to get their own separate entry in the next edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
And just why is the “Britney-Christ Techno Experience” evidence that God shouldn’t raze the United States immediately?
For starters, it’s hard to imagine that even Sodom & Gomorrah could have been quite so creative in its egregiousness. So let’s allow the whole thing to play itself out a few more years; after several more rounds, the Radical Right will have managed to reach the polar opposite of absolutely every teaching of Jesus of Nazareth. And that, my friends, is no easy feat.
Oh, I’m sorry. You think Evangelicals are likely to reject this project wholesale? If that were the case, then just where is Morgan Lee’s aghast journalistic response? No, as reality would have it, the Christian Post and journalist Morgan Lee would rather spend their time demonizing health care for the masses.
To quote the great theologian Britney: “La-la-la-la-la-la.”
4. Economic Boon Predicted for Pumpkin Farmers as Evangelicals “Take Back” Halloween, via The Gospel Herald: “Jimmy Needham on Redeeming Halloween”
Plain and simple, this is Christian fundamentalist journalism at its very worst.
Somewhere in this country there is a head of household named Jimmy Needham. Gospel Herald reporter Lauren Leigh Noske does not think the reader needs to know where the Needham Family resides. (Hello, Journalism 101.) Just know that somewhere out there in the Fruited Plain is a Sleepy Hollow Lane with an “I Love Jesus!” pumpkin on a porch and a bunch of sincere Christians handing out candy bars in the name of the Gospel—doing whatever they can to reclaim the national Demonic Day of Almond Joy and Starburst Giveaway.
“‘We weren’t excited about boasting in the demonic and violent elements that haunted houses usually necessitate,’ said Jmmy [sic].”
Clearly the demons have extended so far to take over proofreading of GH articles. Then again, perhaps the editors intentionally left out the I in “Jimmy.” There is no “I” in Jesus, after all.
This might be the worst article that has appeared in this column all year. It’s practically pornographic in its blatant molestation of an otherwise innocent day of the Gregorian calendar.
Then again, pumpkin farmers the country over are praying that Evangelicals will follow the Needham Family example and reclaim Halloween.
3. Schmaltzy TV Show Star Finds Salvation, via The Christian Examiner: “Gavin MacLeod: Love Boat Captain Now ‘Ambassador for Christ’”
Captain Stubing is now an Ambassador of Christ.
Oh, good for Mr. Gavin MacLeod. Who are we to denounce a human being’s faith experience?
But while we’re at it, can’t we somehow work the Love Boat theme song into the “Britney-Christ Techno Experience”?
I can just see it now. The storm descends on Galilee. The disciples, scared to death by the rocking waves and the crackling of the thunderous sky, rock the resting Messiah awake. Jesus leaps up, dons his skipper cap, and sings:
“Love, exciting and new! / Come aboard; we’re expecting you! / Love, life’s sweetest reward! / Let it flow, it floats back to you! / Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!”
The storm resides. Jesus plays a few rounds of baccarat before resuming his nap.
Again, if the Gospel can redeem the worst that evening television ever had to offer, maybe there’s hope for humanity, after all.
Then again, there’s this clip. Sorry, there’s just no room for Menudo on the Galilean Love Boat.
2. Evangelicals Aflame with the Spirit Fight Earthly Flames: The Fellowship of Christian Firefighters International
There exists a national Fellowship of Christian Firefighters International. And, yes, there seems to be quite a bit of theological naiveté represented on this group’s website, including statements like the following: “Like the fire tetrahedrane, our mission statement is aimed to encourage Christian first responders to be active in the fire service community.”
Whether or not they have the slightest clue about the historical issues surrounding the biblical canon, these men and women are out there, 24/7/365, to save our lives.
And we are grateful for their dedication and service. They are true heroes. And God might just spare us all because of them.
1. Worst Evangelical Website in the Nation Finally Unavailable to Poor, via Wisconsin Christian News
In his bourbon delirium, Pastor Pillow informed me that he always tries to end this column on a positive note. And here we just may be on to something.
The best possible reason that God is likely to spare our nation from sulfuric fury due to Evangelical hypocrisy is … drum roll, please.
The Wisconsin Christian News is no longer available free to the public!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard me correctly! The Evangelical website that has provided us with the most “bang for our buck” these past several months, with such theologically blasphemous articles as (1) “Speaking Against Islam Will Now Be ‘Hate Speech,’” (2) “Hollywood High Students Receive Movie Debunking Evolution,” (3) “Who is the Beast of Revelation?”, and (4) “A Syria Scenario,” has now moved to a paid subscription format!
There can’t possibly be any idiot out there willing to plop down $50 for an annual subscription to read crap such as the following:
“As I look at the evil in our world, as the earth and its people turn away from the God of heaven to embrace the false and violent religion of Islam; as I see country after country welcome the murderous followers of Allah, while at the same time persecuting and reviling the followers of Christ; as I see nation after nation embracing all manner of abomination, it is easy to wonder how much longer our Creator will remain patient. How much time do we really have left in this world? … It has been said that Obama has intentionally set out to systematically destroy our country. Now, the time may actually be ripe for him to bring his plans to full fruition.”
That said, the Wisconsin Christian News needs to get it right. If God is going to destroy the world by fire and brimstone, surely it’s from Evangelical hypocrisy—not from medical care to the masses!
Well, folks, that’s a wrap! Humanity survives yet another week.
But wait! Breaking News!
The Amazing Grace Baptist Church of Canton, North Carolina, decided to host a Halloween night Bible-burning bonfire because, contrary to critical thinking that even a cockroach could muster, the congregation insists that only the King James Version Bible is the infallible word of God! All other versions shalt be turned to ash.
Yes, you heard it here: Christians burning Bibles because they believe that a version of the Christian Scriptures inspired by a 17th-century British monarch is the only valid one.
Sorry, humanity. You chose the wrong fucking door.
God’s immortal jock itch hath reached pan-global diluvuan levels.
I’m your host Monty Selaphiel. I’d say “see you next week,” but, frankly, don’t be the least surprised if civilization ends somewhere over Terre Haute next Tuesday.
And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?
According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. CBN isn’t alone in the 9-figure Radical Right Revenue Game. According to the website Ministry Watch, CBN is dwarfed in comparison to the nearly $900 million raked in annually by the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).
But TBN and CBN are mere bright stars in a galactic empire of hundreds of Christian news and media organizations. If you have a few minutes to spare, review the membership lists of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.
Each and every one of these Christian media organizations have one thing in common: they report news to members of the Christian Right across the Fruited Plain. And the Christian Right account for nearly one-third of America’s voters.
Not only that, but here’s a list of what’s on the line in November 2014:
—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives
—33 seats in the U.S. Senate
—46 State Legislatures
—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.
Sorry to preach politics from the pulpit, but if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you enough to submit an early 2014 ballot, I don’t know what will.
See you next week.
And a final message for people everywhere, don’t forget: the November 2014 election is this many days away.
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