Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Until Further Notice, Heavenly Hosts Are Furloughed


Michelangelo’s Pietà

Damn.  Take off two weeks with the flu, and all hell breaks loose in Christendom.

First, Pope Francis exhorts Catholics to stop obsessing about homosexuality and other decisions adults make about their genitals, then the U.S. federal government shuts down because Evangelical politicians think The Golden Rule was a throwaway line that Christ didn’t really mean.

Pastor Pillow here.

Rarely do I take the fire and brimstone approach, but here goes.  I’m locked and loaded and ensconced behind a General Dynamics-designed pulpit.  Surrounded by an army of drone angels in chalcedony vestment.  Plus, I’ve got Elijah with an AK-47 to my left, and Moses chomping a Cuban cigar and hoisting a Breda to my right.

IF…you think there is a Hell, a place of eternal damnation and suffering that Almighty Jehovah will send you to if you don’t pass the “Santa Naughty” test…

And IF…you believe that full-on fan membership in the Club of Christianity is the only way to avoid burning in a sulfuric bathtub for all eternity…

And IF…you support Ted Cruz and any of the Tea Party assholes who are holding Uncle Sam hostage because they are opposed to your neighbor citizens receiving basic medical care…

Then YOU, my friend, are headed to Hell.

Plain and simple.  Cue Divine Retribution Upon Citizens of Earth!

Elijah, Moses, stand at ease.  I don’t actually believe in Hell.  And, frankly, I even believe in divine grace for the moronic likes of John Boehner, Michele Bachmann and Rand Paul.

That said, the racist, antichristian sputum emanating from the Beltway this week makes it hard—oh so hard—not to violate Godwin’s Law and compare the Republican, Bête Noir Hostage Takers to Brown Shirts.  At what point do we just take these hideous lawmakers at their word and believe that they would indeed be happy to leave their fellow Americans to rot in poverty and squalor?

I want to break bread with all humanity.  I do.  But there comes a point and time when even Tevye the Milkman must put his foot downHow can I turn my back on my faith, my people?  If I try to bend that far, I’ll break.  On the other hand … NO, THERE IS NO OTHER HAND!

Indeed, Christian Republicans, there is no other hand.  Either break with your political party, or be numbered among them.  Your leaders have crossed the line into deviltry.

As you await this evening’s 5:30 p.m. service because you justifiably found it necessary to watch Sunday morning political shows—just to make sure that everything you experienced Monday through Friday this past week was not a Wes Craven nightmare—here’s a recap of current Radical Right headlines.  As ever, honest to God, I am not making up any of this stuff.

5.  Government Shutdown Provides More Time for Idiotic Scrutiny of Book of Revelation, via Wisconsin Christian News:  “Who is the Beast of Revelation?”

Man, I wish I could find a ten-second YouTube clip of Lewis Black in anaphylactic shock, as a response to this article by “Dr.” Paul Conner.  (Someone, please post one as a comment!)  While the United States government is closed for business, thank God the Wisconsin Christian News is doing its best to decode the Apocalypse of St. John.

Oh, why the hell not?  Just waste 30 seconds of your life trying to read the kind of drivel that supporters of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are wont to read:

“Rome’s Challenge (Why do Protestants keep Sunday), p.27  (1893), ‘Thus it was the inconsistency of the Protestant practice with the Protestant profession that gave to the Catholic Church her long sought and anxiously desired ground upon which to condemn Protestantism  and the whole Reformation movement as only a selfishly ambitious rebellion against church authority.  And in this vital controversy, the key, the chiefest and culminative expression , of the Protestant inconsistency was in the rejection of the Sabbath of the Lord, the seventh day, enjoined in the Scriptures, and the adoption and observance of the Sunday as enjoined by the Catholic Church.’”

Really?  REALLY?!

Meanwhile, in reality, 800,000 federal workers are struggling to figure out how to make their mortgage payments in October.

Folks, I can more or less guarantee you that a vote for a Democrat on November 4, 2014, will be a vote that promotes civilization.  On the other hand, a vote for Republicans is likely to lead to more articles by Dr. Conner.

4.  Complete Silence at Christianity Today on Government Shutdown, Yet Finds Plenty of Space to Eviscerate the New Pope:  “Second Surprise Interview With Pope Francis: A ‘Theological Wreck’?”

Maybe something was wrong with my Internet connection, but I could not find a single word about the U.S. federal government shutdown on the website of Evangelical bulwark Christianity Today.  Or perhaps exigent national news just takes a while to make its way to Wheaton, Illinois.

Way more important is a headline suggesting that Pope Francis is off his rocker, especially with his comments about global senior citizen loneliness and mass employment of youth.  After all, the Pope was recently interviewed by—hold your collective breath!—an atheist.

For God’s sake, Christianity Today, get your act together and put something on your front page about the government shutdown.  Stand and be counted!  The only other articles I could find were a review of the film Gravity, an article about the Left Behind video game creator, and survey results about Jewish humor.

Talk about hiding your lamp under a bushel.

3.  What Would Jesus do if He Were a Furloughed Park Ranger?, at The Christian Post:  “Why is Obama Admin Spending Money to Close Open-Air Parks During the Gov’t Shutdown?”

I’m not sure any article by the oft-times, semi-balanced Christian Post has ever made me want to throw up more.  Just go ahead and read it for yourself:  according to reporter Napp Nazworth, the National Park Service apparently has a lot of theological explaining to do for closing its parks when it has been ordered by the U.S. Congress to do precisely so.

Let’s take a minute to observe the Christian Post’s “About Us” page:

“Through the website, The Christian Post presents national and international coverage of current events affecting and involving Christian leaders, church bodies, ministries, mission agencies, schools, businesses, and the general Christian public.”

Hmm.  I missed that whole part about negative coverage of the National Park Service because certain Evangelical Tea Party politicians are diametrically opposed to U.S. citizens receiving basic medical care.

If I were the editor-in-chief of a magazine that maintains a statement of faith that “affirms the divine inspiration, truthfulness and authority of both Old and New Testament Scriptures in their entirety,” I don’t know, maybe I would compose an opinion piece about House Republicans who are antithetically opposed to the Golden Rule.  I’m just saying.

2.  Pat Robertson Falls Asleep at Wheel and Permits Somewhat Straightforward Coverage of Government Shutdown, over at Christian Broadcasting Network:  “Shutdown Feud Continues as Debt Ceiling Looms” 

Someone is about to get fired at the Christian Broadcasting Network.  Its most recent synopsis of the Government Shutdown did not end with a proclamation that President Obama is the Antichrist.

Nor did it mention the recent CBN Talking Points that those who tithe will be recused from medical problems.

Enough said.

1.  Never Fear, SCOTUS Will Soon Make Up for All These Neo-Marxist Victories, as reported by Christian Examiner“Supreme Court Poised to Turn Right in 2013 Term”

Usually, we like to end on a positive note.  Unfortunately, that’s not possible in a week like this one.

If at first you can’t succeed in shutting down the federal government, pin all your hopes on a conservative U.S. Supreme Court.

Folks, just because you saw the shark blown up in Jaws doesn’t mean that Jaws 3-D isn’t right around the corner.

That’s right:  the Radical Right is now pinning all its hope on Alito, Roberts, Scalia and Thomas.

According to Paul Clemson, a former solicitor general under George W. Bush and the nation’s premier Supreme Court litigant:  “The court will get another shot at the Affordable Care Act.”

Sigh.  Just when you thought it was safe to get out of the baptismal font.

That’s a wrap!

And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?

According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. CBN isn’t alone in the 9-figure Radical Right Revenue Game. According to the website Ministry Watch, CBN is dwarfed in comparison to the nearly $900 million raked in annually by the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

But TBN and CBN are mere bright stars in a galactic empire of hundreds of Christian news and media organizations. If you have a few minutes to spare, review the membership lists of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.

Each and every one of these Christian media organizations have one thing in common: they report news to members of the Christian Right across the Fruited Plain.  And the Christian Right account for nearly one-third of America’s voters.

Not only that, but here’s a list of what’s on the line in November 2014:

—All 435 seats of the U.S. House of Representatives

—33 seats in the U.S. Senate

—46 State Legislatures

—And 38 State and Territorial Governorships.

Sorry to preach politics from the pulpit, but if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you enough to submit an early 2014 ballot, I don’t know what will.

See you next week.

And a final message for people everywhere, don’t forget:  the November 2014 election is this many days away.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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