Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: WWJD Syria-Style, Santorum in a Beret & Other Signs of the Apocalypse

wwjd-boxersHey, Fundies!  On the Syrian Question:  What Would Jesus Do?  It’s your phrase, right?  I’ll tell you what he WOULDN’T DO, and that is remotely operate a drone in the name of Uncle Sam to deliver murderous munitions against fellow human beings.  But do you know what he probably WOULD DO?  Son of God or no, he would hop on a donkey and ride that ass straight for Mt. Mezzeh in Damascus, walk into the Presidential Palace, UNARMED, and tell Bashar al-Assad to repent and take his lickings at The Hague.  Now who’s with me?  Wait!  Where is everybody going?

Pastor Pillow here.  Short homily today.

An Open Exhortation to Fundamentalists Everywhere:

Listen, you can’t have it both ways.  Either consistently interpret the Scriptures with pathological pharisaicalism, or open your minds to critical thinking.  In other words:  practice what you preach, or shove it up Balaam’s ass.

Scripture is plain:

Thou Shalt Not Kill.

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.

Thou Shalt Not Become a Film Auteur if Thou Art a Bigot.

Thou Shalt Watch “PBS News Hour” on a Nightly Basis.

Well, maybe just the first two.

Anyway, as you await this evening’s 5:30 p.m. NFL kickoff service, have fun watching the biblical boomerang sail right back in the face of the Radical Right.

As ever, to those who await the day when Liberty University attorneys everywhere hop pontoon boats for Kiribati, honest to God, I am not making up any of this stuff.

5.  The Wacko-issimo Christian Fundamentalist Position on Syria, via Wisconsin Christian News:  “A Syria Scenario”

Read the above link.  No, don’t.  No, do.  Gaaaaarh!  I can’t decide.  I really don’t want to ruin your Sunday.  Then again, you really should read this schlock.  You need to know what a considerable percentage of Americans are thinking (generous gerund) when it comes to the Syrian Question.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, you guessed it:  the Prophet Isaiah predicted that the Obama Administration would level the city of Damascus.

I’ll just let “complimentary storyteller” (when is WCN going to learn the difference between “compliment” and “complement”?) Rob Pue speak for his demented self:

“As I look at the evil in our world, as the earth and its people turn away from the God of heaven to embrace the false and violent religion of Islam; as I see country after country welcome the murderous followers of Allah, while at the same time persecuting and reviling the followers of Christ; as I see nation after nation embracing all manner of abomination, it is easy to wonder how much longer our Creator will remain patient.  How much time do we really have left in this world?”

But wait!  That’s just the aperitif!  Here’s the full-bodied glass of water-turned-wine:

“It has been said that Obama has intentionally set out to systematically destroy our country.  Now, the time may actually be ripe for him to bring his plans to full fruition.”

With people like Pue allowed to vote (cue Founding Fathers rolling in their graves), is it any wonder that United States foreign policy resembles a game of Axis & Allies played by fifth graders hammered on NyQuil?

Such things in print give the First Amendment a bad name.

4.  The More Measured Christian Position on Syria—FROM SYRIANS THEMSELVES—in The Christian Examiner: “Christians in Middle East: U.S. Attack on Syria Would be Detrimental

From senselessness to common sense.  Thank God someone actually asked Syrian Christians what they think about the Obama Administration’s desire to engage in murderous militarism:

“‘There is major consensus amongst the Christian leaders in this region that any military intervention would have a detrimental effect … on Christians in Syria,’ wrote Geoff Tunnicliffe, secretary general/CEO of World Evangelical Alliance, in a letter to the State Department, the White House and the United Nation’s Security Council.”

Listen, I’m just going to hand Christian Examiner author Sarah Pulliam Bailey the microphone:

“‘I couldn’t find a Christian leader at the conference who supported military intervention,’ Tunnicliffe said in an interview. ‘The question is, how do you protect Christians if there’s a regime change?’”

And again:

“Pope Francis and King Abdullah II met at the Vatican last week, saying dialogue is the ‘only option’ to end the conflict in Syria.”

No nutjob mention of prophecies in Isaiah 17.  Just down to earth, practical reality from Christians who sit in pews carved by the apostles themselves.  And they are opposed to military intervention.  (Also, we doubt a single one of them owns stock in Raytheon, Lockheed Martin or L-3 Communications.)

3.  Rick Santorum Dons Beret, Begins Smoking Cloves in New Gig as Film Auteur, according to Christian Broadcasting Network:  “Santorum Promotes ‘Modern Day Story of Joseph’

Rick Santorum has set his sights on becoming an influential filmmaker, with a pending film The Modern Day Story of Joseph.

Joseph of the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat?  Joseph, dad of Jesus?  Joseph Stalin?  Joseph Stieglitz?  The article is never quite clear.

But it bears repeating:  Rick Santorum has set his sights on becoming an influential filmmaker.

Martin Scorsese: Robert De Niro / Rick Santorum: Kirk Cameron

Cue uncontrollable Hollywood icon laughter.

2.  Preserving ‘Biblical Views on Sexuality,’ Except for Incest, Polygamy, Rape, Divorce & Underage Marriage, over at Liberty Institute“Coming to a Town Near You?”

Oh, dear Lord, not this again.

Liberty Institute, “the largest legal organization dedicated solely to defending and restoring religious liberty in America,” is spreading the fear that soon the Gay Bandidos will be showing up at a cul-de-sac near you to strip your soul of its salvation.

You know, it’s kind of nice knowing that the Liberty Institute is on the losing side of history.  But what really pisses me off is that these “men and women of God” have the audacity to suggest prejudice against homosexuals is valid due to traditional biblical views on sexuality—while completely ignoring everything Jesus had to say about lust and adultery:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”  (Matthew 5:27-28).

If the Liberty Institute had its way, apparently there wouldn’t be a man with testicles in all of San Antonio who would have the biblical right to rent an apartment.

Oh, for God’s sake, just do us a favor, Liberty Institute, and take five minutes to actually survey the Bible before spouting off about “the traditional biblical view of sexuality.”

1.  Major Christian Publication Endorses “PBS New Hour,” Hell Remains Unfrozen, as reported by The Christian Standard: “Miley Cyrus!?

As ever, we like to end on a positive note, but this is just too good to be true:  thanks to Miley Cryus’ recent twerkin’ in a merkin exposé, a major U.S. Christian publication has endorsed nightly viewing of the “PBS News Hour,” along with monthly reading of The Atlantic.

I’m just hoping Kanye West dry humps a llama at next year VMAs.  Then perhaps the Christian Standard will recommend that Evangelicals everywhere start reading Forward Progressives daily.

That’s a wrap!

And just why do we present the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up each week?

According to Forbes, the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) alone brings in nearly $300 million per year in revenue. CBN isn’t alone in the 9-figure Radical Right Revenue Game. According to the website Ministry Watch, CBN is dwarfed in comparison to the nearly $900 million raked in annually by the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

But TBN and CBN are mere bright stars in a galactic empire of hundreds of Christian news and media organizations. If you have a few minutes to spare, review the membership lists of the National Religious Broadcasters and the Evangelical Press Association.

Each and every one of these Christian media organizations have one thing in common: they report news to members of the Christian Right across the Fruited Plain.  And the Christian Right account for nearly one-third of America’s voters.

See you next week.

And a final message for Christian Syrians everywhere:  Please pray for American Evangelicals.  At least you have an awareness that you’re a lost nation.  We eat our toast every morning with a pulpy glass of fresh-squeezed Agent Orange.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!

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  • Erik Madison

    Following the provided links, I may have to change my views on the ACA too. I really don’t want to be forced to have an abortion in order to have my cholesterol checked.

    • The Author

      Quick! Rush to the Lewis Black link for comedic purification!

  • Pipercat

    … and Erik came down Avalon Hill with a board game in one arm and download instructions on the other!