There Are No Christians In The Bible, Or On The Far Right

admin-ajax.php-2Shockingly, there are no Christians in the Bible. All the main characters, and the not-so-main characters, are Jewish, even Jesus himself. And yet, modern right wing Christians use the Bible every day to promote an agenda that is the antithesis of what Jesus taught. Fundamentalist Christian leaders spend much of their time, and their followers’ money, on trying to enact laws all over the world to do one thing: attack the LGBT community – and it’s happening right here in America.

Do you know what Jesus said about being LGBT? Nothing. The man around whom the entire Christian religion is based said nothing about being a lesbian, being a gay man, being bisexual, or being transgender. Zip. Jesus did have quite a lot to say about loving others as he has loved us, he told us the meek shall inherit the earth, he said to a rich man that in order to follow him, the rich man must sell all he had and give the proceeds to the poor. Jesus spoke often about wealth, and he wasn’t a fan.

Adultery? That was another big no no in Jesus’s opinion. He believed that simply looking at another person with lust in your heart constituted adultery, but he also believed in the power of forgiveness. A woman is brought before him, and the Pharisees use her to test Jesus. By law, the woman, who may have committed adultery, must be put to death. Jesus responds to them that whomever has never sinned may cast the first stone. Her accusers disappear, and Jesus tells the woman to go forth and sin no more.

What this event tells us is that Jesus was the new law. When he says he will tear down the temple and rebuild it in three days, he is speaking of the New Covenant. Jesus, while supporting many of the basic laws written in the Old Testament (don’t murder, don’t lie, honor your father and mother, don’t commit adultery), he is negating the majority of the laws in Leviticus. You really shouldn’t cheat on your spouse; however, we’re not going to stone you to death anymore.

Fundamentalist Christians seem to have utterly forgotten the point behind the story of Jesus’s resurrection. While I do not believe Jesus rose from the dead, I understand the symbolism behind the event. By dying and being reborn, Jesus is washing away not just sin, but the need for draconian punishments for sinning. You have probably noticed many church-going Christians at your local Red Lobster, or other seafood restaurants, scarfing down shrimp after church. According to the Old Testament, they’re not supposed to do that. Perhaps you know a fundamentalist Christian with a tattoo or two. Nope, not supposed to do that, either. In both the Old and New Testaments, there are passages about women being silent, being subservient, and being ruled by men. ¬†Most of this has to do with a woman’s role in church. If you Google “fundamentalist Christian women,” you find links to sites that help women who are escaping the patriarchal right wing Christian movement. The problem is so rampant that one of the sites is entitled “Broken Daughters.” Reading some of the stories at Broken Daughters, I realized that one part of the Old Testament is still alive and well: misogyny. Fundamentalist Christians will tell you they don’t “hate” anyone. They don’t hate women (they simply want women to remain pregnant from adolescence until menopause, not work, be subservient and keep the Quiver Full). They don’t hate the LGBT community (they simply believe being LGBT is evil, and a lifestyle of Satan, and good Christians should have the right to discriminate against them whenever they want). They certainly don’t hate children (unless the children are poor, or need to be adopted, or black, or their parents are undocumented immigrants). Right wing Christian leaders helped craft Uganda’s insane anti-LGBT bill. Right wing Christian leaders helped craft Russia’s anti-LGBT legislation. And right wing Christian leaders are pushing legislation here at home, allowing businesses to discriminate against members of the LGBT community.

Again, Jesus was not a Christian. However, the entire Christian religion is allegedly based on his teachings. Where in the Gospels does Jesus say “And if you own a laundromat, or a cafe, or a bookstore, you shall tell the LGBT community ‘I will not serve you, for even though Jesus said nothing about you, I cherry pick the Bible?’ ” Is that in there somewhere? Maybe it was in one of those parts that got left out? Perhaps it was in Paul’s Letters To The Teabaggers Chapter 3, Verse 16?

Are Jesus’s hateful and discriminatory teachings written on the back of the Declaration of Independence in invisible ink? I went to Catholic school for eight years, and not once did a nun or priest speak at length about the Gospel of Hate and Bigotry.

If fundamentalist Christians want to try and legislate hate, they should at least have the courage to tell the truth. Jesus would never do any of these things, he would not support these laws here, and he certainly wouldn’t support laws that imprison or execute people based on who they love. There are no Christians in the Bible, the laws of Leviticus do not apply to Christianity, and Jesus never said a flipping thing about being LGBT. Paul did, but since when did Christians follow Paul? I thought the whole point of Christianity was the CHRIST part.

I’ll leave you with this satirical piece from The Arizona Daily Star. Since Jesus is busy making rainbows and following George Takei on Twitter, he sent the angel Gabriel to “talk to” the architect of Arizona’s pro-discrimination bill. It went about as well as you’d expect.¬†

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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  • Edward Krebbs

    Jesus also seemed to have a lot against religiosity. See parable of the sinner and Pharisee in the temple and the clearing of the temple.

  • Gronk50mn

    I agree with nearly all of what you’ve said here – The biggest objection I have is the use of the term “right wing Christian”; that is an oxymoron. There are, indeed, right wing religious extremist, in which category I would place the fundamentalist you’ve mentioned, along with the Taliban, and other intolerant groups. Not that they’re all the same, but they do share a bigoted perspective, based on their interpretation of a religion.

  • Nate

    “Shockingly, there are no Christians in the Bible.”

    That’s not quite true. In Acts 11 we are told that the disciples were first called “Christians” in Antioch, Syria. They weren’t “fundamentalist”, “evangelical” Christians, for sure, but they were Christians nonetheless.

    I agree with this article only to the extent that I believe that Church has made the horrendous mistake of making periphery issues its main focus, which is essentially what this article is saying. I disagree with the details: Christ was quite explicit doctrinally on issues of sexuality, marriage fidelity, and the like; the teachings of Paul vs the teachings of Jesus sets up a false dichotomy that the Bible easily reconciles by its own teachings; but there are thousands of articles articulating those very issues, and my attempt to re-iterate His teachings (or those articles) here would be of little value or use.

    The pain that the Church and her members have caused is real, deep, and lasting, and for that I can make no excuse or adequate apology.

    • Andrew

      I could entertain some of this, Nate, if it weren’t for the Council of Nicea and the way the “church” decided which part of the Bible to take out and which to leave in – and not based on anything but trying to establish the church’s dominance.

  • Ralph McDonahugh

    im thinking of started a cult that follows bob saget and eats pancakes every thursday at 3:19 am at dennys in wisconsin

  • Edward Krebbs

    While I generally agree with most of the article, there is a flaw in your argument. While the earliest Christians still considered themselves Jews and attempted to stay in the Synagogue (so to speak), very early on the tensions broke out in many places. I could point out where Jesus was made unwelcome in the Synagoge. But I can make a stronger point by looking at the obvious hostility in Matthew. Likewise for the arguments between Peter and Paul on preaching to the non-Jews as well as whether a non-Jew would first have to become Jewish before becoming Christian.

  • DStroup

    For your sake I hope you are right…but I have very strong feeling that you are just a foolish person with a stage to perform on

  • Colin Robinson

    Oh dear. It appears that the declaration that Jesus negated the majority of the laws of Leviticus is based primarily on the ‘he who hath no sin, cast the first stone’ part of the gospels.
    That was actually added, it’s presumed by a roman, in the 3rd century CE.
    This is why the passage flatly contradicts mosaic law, (the witness casts the first stone), and the conditions of the occupation, (Jesus was killed by Pilate because the pharisees did not have the power of capital punishment remember?)

    So we need to forget that passage and look at what else the gospels declare Jesus said:
    Matt 5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
    Mark 9:47 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire:

    So it seems that Jesus was declaring that not only are all the laws Leviticus declares was passed to Moses by Yahweh are still in force but he advocated much stronger adherence. It seems strange to believe that Jesus was into forgiveness when the response to your eye ‘offending thee’ was to pluck it out, not pray for forgiveness?

    Another way of looking at this is that, according to the biblical timeline, there was a mere 1200 years or so between Moses and Jesus. So Yahweh, who has been about since at least the beginning of universe in christian belief, that’s 13.4 billion years if you’re not a YEC, gave great consideration to the laws that he would pass to Moses.

    Then, 1200 years later, manifesting as Jesus, he completely reverses the considered opinions of 14.3 billion years?

    That’s a very human way of thinking IMO.

  • Vivian Sue House Hughes

    Isn’t it crazy? I just find it astounding that the Christians in the US are preaching hate and discrimination and they’re proud of it!