Conservatives are Furious That the Movie ‘Noah’ Doesn’t Tell Their Fictional Story Accurately

Russell Crowe as NoahSome see me as kind of a paradox.  I’m a Christian, yet I don’t put much stock in the Bible.  I always reference the “Telephone Game” we often play as children as proof how a message, passed from person to person, can become completely distorted.  And that game is often played by using a simple message, let alone a massive book like the Bible.  It just floors me that people take some of the things in the Bible literally even though they’ve been translated over and over, through many different languages, for centuries.

Even when it comes to the current Bible, Christians can’t agree upon interpretations of English text.  A liberal Christian and an evangelical can read the exact same passage yet come away with two completely difference answers.  Look no further than the fact that I’ve actually had conservatives tell me that Jesus would be a huge fan of guns if he were alive today.  A claim that is as laughable as it is maddening.

When it comes to the story of Noah – no – I don’t believe a 400-year-old man (without any training to build a giant ark) built a massive ark that housed all the animals on earth with his sons, endured a worldwide flood and lived to be 900 years old.

Let’s just think about that for a second.  If these right-wingers want to believe the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that means Noah lived nearly 1/6 of Earth’s existence.  You mean to tell me someone built a giant ship, survived a massive flood and lived 900 years and there’s not mountains of evidence of his existence?

No wonder it’s a story commonly told to children.  You’d have to have the mental capacity of a child to believe such nonsense.

Now with the movie Noah coming out, it seems conservatives are beside themselves that the movie based off a fictional story isn’t being kept true to the biblical story – which is also fiction.  It’s like when a comic book fan gets angry because the movie about their favorite comic book character is altered some to make it more cinematically entertaining.

Here’s a fun fact for these people: If Noah was real, he sure as heck wouldn’t have been a white guy that looked like Russell Crowe either.  Though I don’t see many of these conservatives complaining about that.

It’s just hilarious to see these conservatives “offended” because a mythical event wasn’t told with “factual accuracy.”

Image via Niko Tavernise/Paramount Pictures

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.

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  • Sylvie

    I’ve always believed in the “telephone” theory. I’m certain the bible started with an oral tradition even though I’ve never studied its history. But what we call myths and legends were originally passed down before the written word. Over time, bits went missing as persons died before they could pass down what they knew. And translators probably left out bits they couldn’t understand, felt weren’t important, or didn’t like. Or they did their own bit of moralizing. After all, who would know?

    No one ever asks questions like how did Noah get a pair of American bison? Or pairs of South American monkeys? Did he have yaks? Silk worms? Why did he have pigs. And was he towing a second ark with food for all the critters. I’m fairly certain that someone has done the math to prove that there’s no way he could get 2 of every animal in the world into any craft along with the food.

    My nickel’s worth.

    • Gary Menten

      Worry not; creationists usually have a battery of hilarious and idiotic answers that defy the laws of nature and physics to all of your questions about all of their earlier idiotic assertions that would violate the law of nature and physics.

      • Danielle

        But what are these silly laws of nature and physics to disagree with the absolute word of god that is the bible?

      • Gary Menten

        The most amusing thing I find about some creationist arguments is that they routinely argue that God changes the laws of nature and physics from time to time. There was no evolution before the great flood, but there was afterwards, explaining why we have more species today than Noah could have embarked on the ark. The speed of light was faster when the the earth was created than it is today, explaining of course why light from stars that are 250 million light years away is reaching us only 6000 years after everything was created.

        “Is it more probable that nature should go out of her course or that man should tell a lie? We have never seen in our time, nature go out of her course. But we have good reason to believe that millions of lies have been told in the same time. It is therefore at least millions to one that the reporter of a miracle tells a lie.”

        Thomas Paine

      • Sunnysmom

        Exactly! Either the bible is the indisputable, infallible word of God, OR it is completely fallible and we must question it. Besides science, the fact that killing kids for disobeying their parents or sacrificing animals for God’s favor isn’t common practice, then it must be concluded it is fallible even to the staunchest of today’s Christians and therefore not absolute truth.

  • Jay Hale

    Someone did do the math, and the ark would’ve had to have been the size of Rhode Island.

  • Pitt90

    “It’s like when a comic book fan gets angry because the movie about their favorite comic book character is altered some to make it more cinematically entertaining.”

    I disagree. It’s worse than that, because the comic book fan has more reason to be upset due to the fact that it’s a fantasy world that they’ve invested themselves in, knowing it’s not real, but needing it to be real so that they can make some sense of their lives.

    Oh, wait, maybe it is the same…

    • Brian

      No, it’s not comparable in the slightest. A particularly good comic book is a piece of literature, the same as any other. Yes, I will compare the works of Alan Moore to the works of Earnest Hemingway or other such gritty writers who have a firm sense of how messed up the world is. Making it more cinematically entertaining trivializes the meaning.
      Now with the bible, there’s a lot less meaning so it doesn’t really count for much.

    • Trevor Bordelon

      The problem with the comic book argument is this: When movies are being produced, story boards are created so that the director, director of photography, actors, and cameramen know how the scenes are going to be shot. These are normally drawn out in the comic style. When a comic book movie is made, if a very specific story line is used, there is already a story board written. That is usually why comic fans get so irate about a comic book movie not living up to their expectations — The storyboard porcess has basically already been done for them.

  • Dawn Garrett

    I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I’m pretty sure its not going to show a drunk Noah banging his daughters either. That’s in the Bible.

    • justme

      No, Noah had three sons, it was Lot that was made drunk by his two daughters so they could have sex with him and get pregnant.

      • Eddie Krebbs

        Genesis account post-flood has Noah planting a vineyard and getting drunk. Ham saw him lying naked and told his brothers (but apparently did nothing else). The brothers covered up their father. The descendants of Ham were associated with Africa. Account was used for millennia to justify hatred for the black man.

  • BigRedEO

    And one more thing – if the story of Noah were true, that means we are ALL inbred descendants of Noah (who himself was an inbred descendant of Adam & Eve).

  • Bobby F. Spriggs Jr

    Noah Ark was a lesson on being moral. It was a good story, but you have to understand that it is a book of faith. However the story was told, we know how changes happen over time. The ideal behind the story is what it is about.

    • Gary Menten

      I don’t know what kind of morality endorses the mass murder of most life on the planet including innocent babies in order to make a point.

      • terry63

        The book describes the end of an earth age. Did God detroy the world? Did God destroy Sadam Gammorah? We discoverd that the area near where Gammorah was supposed to be is heavy with Natural gas and sulfur, they probably lit the town with torch’s, you do the math Gary. The Seven Plagues of Egypt? Volcanic eruption It would have had the exact effect on the nile. The things that the Levites did during the Exodus? There are good reasons for doing those things when your trying to keep thousands of people alive. One little virus, on bad bacteria and there goes the tribes. You must be reading the book at face value.Dont do that. Look instead for the deeper meaning. However if it was God. Then God is God and I doubt he would give a rats butt what we think about it. Will God destroy this earth age with Nuclear fire Gary? If it happens, it may be told that way hundreds of years from now, By a slowly repopulating society who needs to teach they’er kids morality, right from wrong and wisdom.

      • Gary Menten

        I don’t take the bible at face value. I consider it work of fiction. However, if I am wrong and the If the events described are the result of natural activity (volcanoes) or human carelessness then there is no deeper meaning.

        If they are the work of a deity, displeased at his creation, then that deity is not only a poor designer, but a mass murderer who disregards his own commandments.

    • terry63

      that’s how I read it also Bobby. The Bible is full of good stories. Good Books. Reading them is time well spent. Especially Proverbs, it teach’s wisdom, its very good for children to hear. The teachings of Christ. I cannot imagine a better roll model. Ruth and her Romance with Boaz. The book of Esther. The story of David. There are so many Great reads in this book. Too bad society has decided that they have out grown it. I feel sorry for them and the coming Chaos and slavery that must follow such Ignorance.

      • John

        Boil it down for us, Terry. What “good” or “wisdom” does the Wholly Babble teach us that didn’t already exist?

      • terry63

        Go get your bible and open the book to proverbs. Start reading. Wisdom is divine, it does not come from a book. Teach your children these things while they are very young. John 8-1 and read. Mathew 5-7. Revelation 13- 17.

  • YAWN.

    Another zzzzzzer by Alan Clifton. “Some see me as a paradox.”

    The need to discuss yourself, as a Christian, shows your own arrogance.

  • kdl

    Think these folks are getting too much media attention. Every Hollywood biblical story ever made has messed with biblical accounts, added their own stuff to spice up the story or make it more exciting. Why all this hoopla about the movie Noah? Christianity is being commandeered by a group of extremists who only want thing interpreted their way, whether it is a Hollwood movie or the public schools or our nations laws.

  • mickey

    I’m still wondering why the god hasn’t talked to anyone in a while. oh wait it was 2012 when that happened. the god told all the republican candidates for president to run. funny how the one that’s in a so called cult got the nod

  • Beverly

    A book I read years ago called “Who wrote the Bible” was a very interesting read. Don’t know if it is still available anywhere. But the idea would be like a Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, and a Jew getting together to debate on which of the verbal accounts regarding God and religion to be writen down. a lot of politics and beliefs would be argued and anyone of the strongest and powerful could “win” any given point.

  • Jerry Graybosch

    You could never build a wooden ship that big (and it’s not big enough) without it breaking and leaking like crazy. The largest wooden ships needed iron reinforcement and contiuous pumping to stay afloat.

  • Eddie Krebbs

    Admittedly, the idea of Russel Crowe (immortalized in South Park for a program “Fightin’ Round the World) playing Noah raised question marks for me from the onset.

    OTOH- Colbert hit the nail on the head when he pointed out that this was God performing a mass genocide of global proportions and a reasonable read on Genesis would be that people were really awful. Not the Bible School song of God told Noah, to build him and ark-y ark-y…..

  • Astonished

    From what I have heard it sounds like in the movie the sons of Cain are like conservative Republicans……..raping the earth with no thought of the consequences and loving their weapons.

  • terry63

    I dont know any Christian or Jew who is upset with this movie. I have not even read anything about Christians being upset about it. Muslim’s, It is said are offended by it. That being because its against they’re religion to do this sort of thing using a Prophets image. I have a freind who is Muslim, but I have not had contact with him for a while now so I dont know his view on it. I for one cannot wait to go see it ! My schedule wont allow it until next week.
    In Reading the Bible, you must understand that it is steeped in Symbolism and Mystery. It is an old book. It lost alot in translation. You need to listen to someone who understands Hebrew or Greek in order for the missing pieces to fall into place. I found an old man named Arnold Murray, of the Shepards Chaple to help me with the translation. He is not a preacher, he is a Bible Teacher. He is also on the net.
    If your looking to find out why Noah didnt load up any Unicorns, then you missed the entire point of the story. The Old Testament is full of wonderful exciting stories. Whether or not you beleive that they are 100% Accurate or not. The Story of Noah, describes the end of the first earth age, The earth is infinitely old. People who think otherwise are not paying attention to common sence fact. Much like those who preach “Climate change.” They have drugged an entire generation of kids and taught them that Climate change is a new thing. Its not, Climate change has been happening since the Earth cooled and it still is changing. So if your going to preach Climate change then tell me. What’s Normal? What Climate are you baseing your theory on? The earth is a rageing Planet it is constantly evolving. Earth ages end as will ours someday.As for the Teachings of Christ. I cannot imagine a better roll model for anyone to follow.

    • terry63

      Also with the Bible many time’s numbers are not numbers at all but have deeper meanings and values. So if Noah was on the Ark for 40 days and 40 nights. this number may have no relation to time but may be symbolic of another meaning.Noah was 900 years old. ect. The Number 7 is many times not a number at all. God made the world in 7 days. What is a day to God? The Book is a Mystery. Whether or not you beleive it. Going back to Hebrew will open many doors for you. Dont be affraid of it. Enjoy the stories. They are very old.

      • Pitt90

        So you’re saying the Bible is allegorical and metaphorical, not literal? Interesting…… 🙂

  • Shaun Kirkwood

    “I’m a Christian, yet I don’t put much stock in the Bible.” That statement doesn’t make any sense. That’s like saying “I’m a pilot but, I don’t believe in aviation theory”.

    • SeanCC

      Wrong. Especially when it comes to the Old Testament. You know, the part of the book that has nothing to do with Jesus.

      • Shaun Kirkwood

        I see you, too, know nothing of the Bible. If you read the Old Testament Book of Isaiah, you’d know of how the Prophet Isaiah spoke of the coming of The Messiah.

      • terry63

        Adam , was the reason for Christ. You see Adam Failed, that debt had to be paid. It was paid in full by Christ. You need to read your bible. But whats more you need to understand it. I found a very good teacher in Arnold Murray, of the Shepards chaple. I think that you can find him on the net. The book lost alot in translation. Murray, takes it back to Hebrew. The peaces start to fit. Im not at all claiming that Im an expert. but the book can come alive with the right teacher. Even if you dont beleive a word of it. The stories there in are very good and very old.

  • John

    As you reject the Noah story, Allen, maybe it’s about time you re-think the whole Adam-Eve-Garden-of-Eden-talking-snake-original-sin-Jeebus-dying-to-redeem-mankind steaming pile of crap and ask yourself if that makes any more sense that Noah. If not, then maybe it’s time to throw your bible in the garbage where it belongs.

    • John

      *than Noah, I meant.

  • Sunnysmom

    I haven’t seen the movie yet. But I’m curious to know if Russell Crow was able to get the dinosaurs on the Ark like Ken Hamm et al believes?

  • coltov mocktail

    undoubtedly an old man with an extended family gathered them and all his livestock up on a boat he built and voyaged to a distant land while weathering enormous storms (kindof sounds like what the Polynesians did to get to hawaii) and from this we get the story of Noah.

  • Jaynicia

    I remember being in Sunday school one day and the story of Noah and the Ark was being discussed, or rather beat into us. I raised my hand and asked if Noah saved two of all of the animals on earth, why didn’t he save the dinosaurs? Sister Karen put me in a corner for the rest of the morning.

    This is why I worship the Darkside. It’s less complicated, we have state-of-the-art weapons and have punch and cookies…

  • Shari D

    Who was it that absolutely insisted the part about Noah having an alcohol “problem” be removed from the movie? And then wants to yell about their story not sticking to the “facts”?