Dear Half-Governor Palin

palin-war-xmasDear Half-Governor Sarah Palin,

So, total congrats on your speech down at Liberty University. Heard you knocked it out the park, and you didn’t even have to write notes on your hand. Go you! You were there promoting your book “War on Christmas: Buy More Shit!” or something like that (which I believe is your second work of fiction) and talking in a loud voice about Angry Atheists Armed with Attorneys. Awesome tongue twister, by the way!

Anyway, um, about those Angry Atheists Armed with Attorneys (you should trademark that ASAP!). During your speech/book tour, you said these Attorney-Armed Angry Atheists were taking “offense” at nativity scenes on people’s lawns. People’s lawns implies private property. In your world (where I never, ever want to live or even visit), you believe that Atheists who are Angrily Armed with Attorneys are doing what, exactly? Storming up to 123 Melody Lane, pounding on the door and throwing their Attorney at poor Jack Frost for plopping down a bunch of plastic white people on his lawn?

Half-Governor, no. That’s not happening. Trust me. My son is an Atheist, and as far as I know, he doesn’t give a wombat’s left testicle if folks in our town want to put nativity scenes in front of their houses. He also doesn’t have an Attorney, nor is he Angry. Well, he is a bit perturbed by you and your ilk, but I give him cookies and he settles right down.

We don’t have a nativity scene on our lawn because we understand that Jesus wasn’t born in December. The entire Christmas holiday – the decorated trees, the lights, the candles, the whole shebang – comes from the Pagan holiday celebrating the Winter Solstice and the Roman holiday of Saturnalia. You betcha!

Sweet, silly Sarah, there is no “War on Christmas.” This is something fundies have created to sell books and increase ratings. Heck, you even told the “Today” show how much you love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the whatever around the whatever. Or helps “someone” sell books, which from what I’ve heard, isn’t going too well for ya.

Ooo, before I forget, I wanted to share a little something from a book you might not be too familiar with – the Bible. It’s a passage about decorating trees. From Jeremiah 10: 1-5:

1 Hear what the LORD says to you, O house of Israel. 2 This is what the LORD says:

 “Do not learn the ways of the nations

 or be terrified by signs in the sky,

 though the nations are terrified by them.

3 For the customs of the peoples are worthless;

 they cut a tree out of the forest,

 and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.

4 They adorn it with silver and gold;

 they fasten it with hammer and nails

 so it will not totter.

5 Like a scarecrow in a melon patch,

 their idols cannot speak;

 they must be carried

 because they cannot walk.

 Do not fear them;

 they can do no harm

 nor can they do any good.”

I guess, like many other things “forbidden” in the Bible (shellfish, lying, vanity), this is something else you choose to ignore. Happy Festivus!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


Facebook comments

  • Michael Siever

    I like how the picture for Palin on the Facebook link is Julianne Moore in “Game Change”.

  • Dear Sarah,

    As long as you are pretending to follow the word of God, we non-believers would like to remind you of the 8th Commandment, which you seem to routinely forget. It goes “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.”

    If that’s too complicated for you, and I admit it quite possibly is, it means “DON”T TELL LIES!”

    • texasGREED

      Lying is so bad, its effects on the innocent so egregious,
      that YHWH thought it important enough to have it as one WHOLE commandment!

    • Recon5

      It’s really interesting that Sarah failed to specify courthouse lawns, and you did too. So did the author of the article. Expedient, innit.

      Are we all operating under the impression that only secular lil snowflakes should be represented, or just implying your own opinions trump centuries (and centuries) of tradition?

      Don’t preach against lies and hypocrisy when you live in a glass house, am I right? ;}

      • DAV

        The point of the article, is that public buildings like courthouses are not “people’s lawns” no one is trying to prevent people from putting religious decorations on their private property. However, they are trying to prevent public funds from being used to put religious decorations on PUBLIC (not private) property.

      • diamondmask

        “Tradition” does not make a truth.Christmas has nothing to do with Christ. It does however have everything to do with buying stuff and feeling good at the end of the year.

    • Stephen Barlow

      “Judge NOT lest ye be judged”
      “By the quitting of work one knows the workman”
      “Love thy brother as thy self”
      “one if by land and two if by sea”
      “The British are coming to take away your guns!!!”

      LMAO!!! Funny how of all these applied to Palin… The last one is oddly the most true. The British were marching on Lexington to unearth arms caches.

      She certainly isn’t loving Levi as he loved her daughter before marriage.
      HalfGov explains everything. (Never did get the results of those last 4 ethics inquiries)
      When was the last time she was seen CARING for one or the other of her defective births?

  • krazykingkush

    GREAT STUFF. I want a cookie.

  • Kefdog

    I wished you had touched on how at the end of her university talk the students were dismissed, they had been required to attend..

    • James Greene

      How can colleges require people to attend? Was it part of a grade or something? Don’t get me wrong, I hate that lying hosebag as much as the next 1 million guys but I don’t understand required attendance for any talk/assembly at college level. But, hey, I go to a public college. Who knows what some of those crazy private colleges do lol

      • StingStungMe

        Mandatory nap hour.

      • rogerrramjet

        It’s easy when the school you go to is Jerry Falwall’s “Liberty” university for sheeple. Attend or be held responsible. There were consequences as it is a private “school”.

    • Stephen Barlow

      OMG!!!!! Credit for Gossip! How christianly novel and idea.

  • peacetalker

    everytime she opens her mouth, I cringe in wonder of how her school ever allowed her to graduate?

    • Why5ks

      Well, it took seven years and at least 4 different colleges before she found one that would graduate her. Instead of calling her Governor or former Governor (my opinion is you resign before you complete a term you lose the right to claim the title) why don’t we just call her the Wasilla Wussy.

      • Stephen Barlow

        I can’t wait to find out that she is a post op gender bending transexual who used to named Martin.

  • JamieHaman

    Always amazing that “Christians” forget that they can go to Hell for lying, just like stealing and killing.

  • LindsayCA

    Yeah, i don’t believe in putting the while nativity scene stuff either, but my family are Mexican catholic and they go ALL OUT with it, believe me my mother in-laws could take half a room! But anyways i feel that it’s praying to a false idol, i don’t like statutes if Jesus our savoir or the like and neither do i pray to saints, i respect what they did and may look for guidence if I’m in a similar position but just not pray. So all these things are always in my face (especially in my in-laws house) but not once does it bother me! Every Christmas they pray their same line of prayers and i do the same, but kneel at the back and do not look at the scene. If other people believe that their doing good in honoring their religions, then let them, besides you shouldn’t descriminate in the land of the free…and especially if your a Christian because you love all! Now, cookie please! ;D

    • DAV

      The point here is that your in-laws put their religious decorations on their property – which is their right and not in dispute. However, they don’t have the right to put those decorations on public property at public expense. The only ones attempting to curtail freedom to worship (or not worship) as you please are the self-proclaimed Christians trying to ram their religious beliefs (and the accompanying displays) down everyone’s throats.

  • Are you trying to tell me Santa is not real? Then why did I bake all these f’n cookies?!?!?!?!?

    • Emora

      For me. Send ’em over, Steve.

      • Emora… Santa… both 5 letters… but Emora does not start with the letter C and C is for Cookie…

      • Emora

        Yeah, but I wrote the letter. 😀

    • James Greene

      Extra cookies are always a good thing. Bright side +1

  • Recon5

    “Happy Festivus!”

    They were referring to you, dumbass.

  • Recon5

    “…Palin said Jefferson would likely agree that secularists had set their sights on destroying the religious themes in Christmas celebrations.

    “He would recognize those who would want to try to ignore that Jesus is the reason for the season, those who would want to try to abort Christ from Christmas,” she said. “He would recognize that, for the most part, these are angry atheists armed with an attorney. They are not the majority of Americans.”

    So – the authors contention is that angry atheists armed with an attorney (I like to refer to them as “the #lilbitch contingent, but your mileage may vary) have *Not threatened lawsuits against local courts, towns, school districts, and the military regarding war memorials because of religious themes and toy drives? Is that the premise here?

    Or were we just hoping nobody noticed?

    • DAV

      Since you are obviously unclear on the concept: “local courts, towns, school districts and the military” are not “people’s lawns” none of those are private property and therefore they should be religion neutral not catering to Christian or any other religious beliefs. That is the whole point here. Private is okay, PUBLIC displays are not.

    • Laura Williams

      How in the world would she know how Jefferson would feel and most especially what he would think. Jefferson was a deist.

  • IndieLass

    I try to stay educated by reading forums and news media from sources that support both parties (since most are not equal) and wish the system were not divided. I have never seen such disrespect for one another’s opinions as I have in the past 8 years. The very small percentage of the “far” left and “far” right have clouded the likeley 80 – 90% in the middle that actually have much common ground, but the media distorts so much. It is shameful that we allow these people, not the politicians, to divide the United States. I fully understand that the politicians play a roll, but the public needs to stop feeding into the negative media reports on both sides. This article is based on poor opinion rather than fact and like Palin or not, I have seen disrespect for private property and symbols of religion in San Diego and Los Angeles, so I get the point. The media just blows it out of proportion. In terms the 20 somethings will get….stop being haters. Educate yourself and don’t believe everything you read or see on television. We need to be united again.

    • Mr Mike

      I get your point Indie, but you have fallen into the false equivalency trap. People on the far left do not lie and distort to anywhere near the degree that those on the far right do on a daily basis. That is the point of this article. The article is not based on poor opinion as you say, it is based on something Palin actually said and is easily verified. You may have seen disrespect for private displays, but I guarantee it was most likely the work of teenage vandals rather than “angry athiests armed with attorneys” as Palin suggests. We do need to be united again, as you say, but it is people like Palin, and others on the far right like Limbaugh, Coulter, and Beck, who are working overtime to maintain the divide between people, and to keep people from realizing our common ground. There is no equivalent group of people on the far left who are working so hard to maintain a level of fear and mistrust among the citizens of our country. So please, I would appreciate it that whenever you are making your argument for common ground, that you place the blame where it belongs – on the far right conservative bubble, that is doing everything that can be done to maintain the status quo and prevent any type of real solutions to the problems facing our country and its people.

      • IndieLass

        Actually, the Atheists took credit for their local arguments and it was not teenagers, so I was basing information on fact. It would appear that you are part of the problem and not the solution. You made your point and mine by showing a close-minded thought process. Feel free to reply again, but I won’t deal with your trolling and ignorance. I cannot wast my time on your negativity. I firmly disagree with you and the U.S. cannot progress at this level of disregard for each other.

      • Mr Mike

        I love it when close-minded people accuse those who disagree with them as being close-minded. Palin was not speaking about any specific act, she is painting all attacks on religious displays as being planned and perpetrated by athiests. That is wrong. In my entire life, I would say 95% of all of these incidents that have occurred in my localities have been done by bored teenagers. Please explain my “negativity”, as I wasn’t being negative, I was just pointing out that I agree with your premise, but you are laying blame at the wrong place. The blame for this situation lies on the right, not the left. You have Sarah Palin writing a book about the “war on Christmas”, yet there is no author on the left calling for a war on Christmas. In fact, I’ve never met a leftist or atheist who hates Christmas – everyone loves Christmas. What these people oppose is the use of public money or property for the display of religious themes. Quit blaming both sides, when it is so obviously a problem (like nearly all problems in our country) that is caused by conservatives and those on the right.

  • FD Brian

    If Palin was around in 1920 the Nineteenth Amendment never would have passed.

  • Stephen Barlow

    Thank you!!!! The first time in years I have heard a Bible passage used correctly. That is to educate or elevate a soul.

    As opposed to justifying some judgment or oppression or being mutilated do cover a sin with another sin.

    I too am an atheist graduate of the George Carlin Seminary. “There Ain’t No Fucking God!” But that doesn’t devalue My journalistic integrity the way Robertson, Falwell et all have debased Christ with their ‘Christianity’.

  • rogerrramjet

    Funny thing about “christian” Sister Sarah. She lied constantly throughout the speech. Big one was the Founding Fathers WANTED America to be a religious country basing it’s laws on the buybull. You can read the speech and see her nonstop lies and hatred. True christian…right.

  • Jim Wolfe

    Trust me she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with your worthless world either.