Dear Half-Governor Palin

palin-war-xmasDear Half-Governor Sarah Palin,

So, total congrats on your speech down at Liberty University. Heard you knocked it out the park, and you didn’t even have to write notes on your hand. Go you! You were there promoting your book “War on Christmas: Buy More Shit!” or something like that (which I believe is your second work of fiction) and talking in a loud voice about Angry Atheists Armed with Attorneys. Awesome tongue twister, by the way!

Anyway, um, about those Angry Atheists Armed with Attorneys (you should trademark that ASAP!). During your speech/book tour, you said these Attorney-Armed Angry Atheists were taking “offense” at nativity scenes on people’s lawns. People’s lawns implies private property. In your world (where I never, ever want to live or even visit), you believe that Atheists who are Angrily Armed with Attorneys are doing what, exactly? Storming up to 123 Melody Lane, pounding on the door and throwing their Attorney at poor Jack Frost for plopping down a bunch of plastic white people on his lawn?

Half-Governor, no. That’s not happening. Trust me. My son is an Atheist, and as far as I know, he doesn’t give a wombat’s left testicle if folks in our town want to put nativity scenes in front of their houses. He also doesn’t have an Attorney, nor is he Angry. Well, he is a bit perturbed by you and your ilk, but I give him cookies and he settles right down.

We don’t have a nativity scene on our lawn because we understand that Jesus wasn’t born in December. The entire Christmas holiday – the decorated trees, the lights, the candles, the whole shebang – comes from the Pagan holiday celebrating the Winter Solstice and the Roman holiday of Saturnalia. You betcha!

Sweet, silly Sarah, there is no “War on Christmas.” This is something fundies have created to sell books and increase ratings. Heck, you even told the “Today” show how much you love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the whatever around the whatever. Or helps “someone” sell books, which from what I’ve heard, isn’t going too well for ya.

Ooo, before I forget, I wanted to share a little something from a book you might not be too familiar with – the Bible. It’s a passage about decorating trees. From Jeremiah 10: 1-5:

1 Hear what the LORD says to you, O house of Israel. 2 This is what the LORD says:

 “Do not learn the ways of the nations

 or be terrified by signs in the sky,

 though the nations are terrified by them.

3 For the customs of the peoples are worthless;

 they cut a tree out of the forest,

 and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.

4 They adorn it with silver and gold;

 they fasten it with hammer and nails

 so it will not totter.

5 Like a scarecrow in a melon patch,

 their idols cannot speak;

 they must be carried

 because they cannot walk.

 Do not fear them;

 they can do no harm

 nor can they do any good.”

I guess, like many other things “forbidden” in the Bible (shellfish, lying, vanity), this is something else you choose to ignore. Happy Festivus!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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