GOP Absurdity: Ted Cruz Is Running, And Pat Robertson Wishes For Zombie Reagan (VIDEO)

pat-robertson-crazyHoly shit snacks, kids, the GOP clown car kicked off its national tour with a bang! Ted “Green Eggs and Ham means what?” Cruz went to Liberty University to formally announce his campaign (after informally announcing it on Twitter).The student body was forced to sit and listen to him yammer on about overturning the ACA, how college grads should have 5-6 job offers minimum period, and how the audience should use their imaginations. Many people are, at this very moment, imagining a president who is not Ted Cruz. But the nice right-wing Christians at Liberty were supposed to imagine a president who would abolish the IRS, repeal Obamacare, and “defend the sanctity of human life and uphold the sacrament of marriage.” Prior to his announcement, Cruz was most famous for comparing his 21-hour non-filibuster to the people who fought the Nazis, the people who ended the Cold War, Louis Pasteur, the people who mapped the human genome, CERN, and…wait, no, he hates science. Sorry. Onward!

As we all know, Cruz was born in Kenya Canada. And as we all also know, Donald “Muskrat Hair” Trump hates anyone who wasn’t born in America. And as we also, also all know, The Trumpster has no idea how almost anything other than bankruptcy court and adultery works. Ted Cruz’s mom was an American citizen at the time she pushed out her little bundle of joy (?), which means Teddy was, too. He did have dual citizenship, but gave that up. Cruz is eligible for a presidential run, just like John McCain was eligible for a presidential run, until he chose that woman as his running mate, and now, he can never run for president again. President Obama was born in Hawaii, which, contrary to the low-information birthers on the right, is a state.

Ted Cruz is the first “official” GOP/right-wing/fringe candidate, but since I received an email from Ben Carson, asking for money, it’s a good bet he’s next. Why his people thought sending a flaming liberal an email was a good idea, I’ll never know. Carson has similar beliefs to Ted, especially when it comes to the LGBT community. While Ted Cruz has never said aloud what Ben Carson recently said aloud about prison, if you give Cruz enough time, he will. Oh, what’s that? You missed Dr. Carson opining about how being gay is a choice because prison? Here ya go:

…a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight, and when they come out, they’re gay.

He apologized for this, not because he doesn’t believe it, but because CNN had the audacity to air the comment. Ted Cruz has said this about marriage equality:

 Traditional marriage is an institution whose integrity and vitality are critical to the health of any society. We should remain faithful to our moral heritage and never hesitate to defend it.

The Supreme Court’s decision to let rulings by lower court judges stand that redefine marriage is both tragic and indefensible. (source)

Pretty much on the same page. Marriage is between one man and one woman, unless you’re Donald Trump or John Ensign or Newt Gingrich or Mark Sanford or David Vitter or Ted Haggard. Then it’s one man, one woman, a mistress or two, a trip to Argentina, diapers during sessions with hookers, and one male escort.

Of course, who can forget (as much as we’d like to) Rick “Google is the devil” Santorum? Here’s the thing about Santorum: My dad met him a few times many years ago, and back then, Rick was nice. He had the courage of his convictions, some of which were insane, but he wasn’t this mean, angry white dude, blowing the right-wing dog whistle. Now, Rick Santorum throws red meat to his base with statements like:

We have laws in states, like the one at the Supreme Court right now, that has sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, again, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family. And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. It all comes from, I would argue, this right to privacy that doesn’t exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution, this right that was created, it was created in Griswold — Griswold was the contraceptive case — and abortion. And now we’re just extending it out. And the further you extend it out, the more you — this freedom actually intervenes and affects the family. You say, well, it’s my individual freedom. Yes, but it destroys the basic unit of our society because it condones behavior that’s antithetical to strong healthy families. Whether it’s polygamy, whether it’s adultery, where it’s sodomy, all of those things, are antithetical to a healthy, stable, traditional family. (source)

Ted Cruz wants to get rid of the IRS, Donald Trump thinks anyone who wasn’t born in America (or born in Hawaii) is ineligible to run for president, Ben Carson believes prison makes you gay, and Rick Santorum would very much like to legislate morality, because any sex other than missionary is icky. His poor wife.

Finally, there’s Pat Robertson. He’s not running for president again, he wants to bring Reagan back from the dead because President Obama doesn’t love America the way Reagan did. Obama won’t sell arms to Iran in order to fund a group who murdered nuns and then lie about it to Congress. Obama didn’t ignore 200+ Marines and other members of the armed forces when they were killed in a terrorist attack in Beirut, and respond to that murderous attack by invading Grenada, which had nothing at all to do with Beirut. Obama didn’t suddenly reverse his stance on guns when black people began arming themselves against corrupt and racist police. President Obama’s press secretary has never laughed about AIDS with the media.

You can watch Pat Robertson’s bromance with Zombie Reagan below. And stay with Forward Progressives for all your 2016 GOP Presidential news, including some satirical stuff I’m just going to make up. Who knows? Michele Bachmann may just run for Queen of Godlandia after all.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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