Happy Hobby Lobby Day!

hobby-lobbyOh, Hobby Lobby. You import cheap crap from China (a country with a one child only law) and sell it to unsuspecting Martha Stewart-wannabees, but your right wing panties are all in a bunch over women’s contraception. Your owner is a Baptist, for God’s sake. A Baptist. Does the Baptist religion have a mandate against all contraception? Let’s look… NOPE. That would be the Catholics, and I don’t have to Google that, since I was raised Catholic, and know families who had a gazillion kids because they were forbidden from using anything other than the rhythm method to keep Mom from being preggers once a year.

Oh Hobby Lobby, your solicitor is in front of the Supreme Freaking Court, arguing religious freedom, when your owners’ religion doesn’t have any laws against birth control. Your solicitor is stroking the anti-choice ego of Justice Kennedy who, for all his pro-equality language, hates abortion – and you know that, don’t you? Which is why you’ve decided to narrow the scope of your silliness. Except it’s not silliness, and if you win, women are screwed. Hey, I have a kooky idea. How’s about we take a stroll down Reality Road, and learn us some facts?

According to your brief, you have problems with four specific types of ladies’ “I don’t want to get pregnant right now” options: Plan B, ella, and two types of intrauterine devices. You think those cause abortions. You are so wrong, and I can prove it.

Plan B is emergency contraception. For emergencies. Like when a woman is raped, and her predator doesn’t wear a condom. Said woman, while getting her rape kit at the hospital… oh, about rape kits. They don’t cause abortions either, and Rep. Laubenberg is an idiot for saying they do. Where was I? Right, Plan B. Plan B is a high dose of the same contraception used in the Pill. It doesn’t cause an abortion, any more than the Pill causes an abortion. Hobby Lobby, you’re wrong about Plan B.

On to ella (that’s how they spell it). ella is also emergency contraception, but it has a larger window of time during which you can take it – five days. It is also not an abortion pill. According to Bedsider.org, ella costs about $55 at your pharmacy, or you can order it online and pay extra for expedited shipping. But it is not an abortion pill and I am SO tired of typing/saying/screaming that.

You know what is an abortion pill? Mifeprex (mifepristone), known as RU-486 in Europe. You can’t get Mifeprex at Walgreens – oh no, it’s administered in your doctor’s office. From the FDA website:

Is mifepristone distribution restricted?

Yes, mifepristone is supplied directly to doctors who meet certain qualifications. It is not available in pharmacies, and it is not legally available over the Internet.

So, Hobby Lobby, why are you clutching your fake, plastic, Made in China pearls? Plan B and ella are contraception, available at your local pharmacy. They do not cause abortions. Mifeprex is given in a doctor’s office, and distribution is restricted. These are (say it with me now) different medications. Then I discovered why you are all wound up over contraception. You believe these drugs, and IUDs, “risk killing an embryo,” and providing a health plan that covers any of them makes you “complicit in abortion.” Multiple health provider groups, including the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have joined in filing a brief, that in part explains:

…there is a scientific distinction between a contraceptive and an abortifacient and the scientific record demonstrates that none of the FDA-approved contraceptives covered by the Mandate are abortifacients.

Oh Hobby Lobby, you’re lying through your Baptist teeth about all of this, aren’t you? You know it, we know it, three of the justices on the Supreme Court know it, and hopefully, Justice Kennedy will, too. What’s this all about then, if none of the things you claim cause abortions actually cause abortions? It couldn’t possibly be about a patriarchal, Dominionist asshat, trying to exert control over his female employees, now could it? I mean, are you arguing that you should not have to provide health insurance that covers vasectomies? I can’t find that in any of the articles or briefs I’ve read while researching this, so I’ll just wait for you, dear, confused, hypocritical, lying Hobby Lobby to get back to me on that.

Do I seem a bit peeved? Well, shit, I’m sorry, but ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This clustereff of epic proportions made it all the way to the Supreme Court, they’ve got Kennedy’s interest peaked because he hates abortion, and if Hobby Lobby wins this, we will see more and more businesses claim “personal beliefs” as their right to make other people’s lives hell. Got a boss who’s a Jehovah Witness? Hope you never need a blood transfusion. Work for a Christian Scientist? No doctors at all. What about an anti-vaxxer? Getting your kids inoculated against measles just got a lot more expensive. Employed by a staunch vegan? Maybe you can get fired for eating meat at lunch.

This is about control, plain and simple. Hobby Lobby wants to exert control over female employees, because if it was about the babies, they would ban condoms, not cover vasectomies, and insist everyone who works for them be celibate until marriage. Hobby Lobby is wrong about their religious rights, wrong about whatever backwards science they’ve glommed onto, and if they win, you can rest assured that this guy will be nominated for Surgeon General in Godlandia.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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