Happy Mother’s Day From the GOP!

bachmann-mothers-dayHappy Mother’s Day to all the Moms here in the greatest country in the world! We, the GOP, want every mother to have a joyous, blessed day, filled with love, family, and of course, children. The more children, the better. Have a Quiverfull! After all, women are called to be mothers, which is the most important job in the world for women. Men are called to be breadwinners, to care financially for the family, while women stay home and provide schooling, cleaning, cooking, baking, and missionary position sex whenever the husband wants it.

Now we all know there are women here in the United States who abhor the idea of motherhood, and those “women” are called femiNAZIS. We do not wish those “women” a Happy Mother’s Day, simply because we hate them. FemiNAZIS call themselves feminists, but that’s to confuse you: they’re the same thing. Feminists want free abortions for everyone, heck, they love the idea of the Planned Parenthood Abortionplex. A good mother cannot be a feminist, and a feminist would never become a mother. Now, if you are a mother, and your teenage daughter begins listening to music by Ani DiFranco, Beyonce, or Lorde, take those albums away immediately and burn them. Feminist musicians will brainwash your daughters into using drugs, becoming lesbians, and getting as many abortions as possible, even if they’re not pregnant. We’re almost sure you can do that.

The GOP wants all American mothers to know we love you. We love you enough to protect you from yourselves. The GOP wants all women to marry the man of their dreams (or whoever your parents choose for you), and start making some babies. Provided those babies meet the following criteria:

1) White. Possibly black if both parents are registered members of the Tea Party.

2) Christian. Sorry, no exceptions.

3) Father must earn at least $250,000 a year, after taxes. Preferably, Daddy is keeping most of his money in untraceable accounts, so the government can’t take it all.

4) Reside in a red state. If family lives in a blue state, they must move to a red district.

5) White.

6) Sons must play football, never soccer. Soccer is socialist, and European, and therefore un-American.

7) Daughters must wear dresses. Skorts are allowed, but only in the summer. Daughters may play golf or tennis. Okay, not golf, because female golfers are all gay.

8) Did we mention white?

9) Sons attend college, and may attain a PhD in law, medicine, or finance.

10) Daughters attend college to meet a husband.

Your GOP wants mothers to know we respect you. Just not too much. We understand bad things might happen to you, but we want you to think about why those bad things happened to you. Did you make your husband angry by burning dinner, or not having it ready when he got home from work? Was there a load of laundry still drying, even though you know your husband hates the sound of the dryer? Were you having your monthly visitor, and unable to perform missionary position sex? Once you realize what you did wrong, and stop doing those things, your married life will improve, as will your ability to be a great American mother.

One thing femiNAZIS claim is real is “marital rape.” The GOP does not believe this is an actual thing. A woman is subservient to her husband, so when he wants missionary position sex, the wife must agree. If she doesn’t, well, it’s the husband’s right, so how can that be rape? Plus, what if she’s dressed in a nightie? We’re only human, ladies, and if you’re wearing something that shows your ankles, you’re kind of asking for it. Mothers, raise your daughters to dress like ladies, not sluts, and they won’t ever get “raped.”

Finally, your GOP would like to remind you to lobby your representatives to vote against the National Women’s History Museum. Women have a lot of exhibits in other museums, you don’t really need a whole one all to yourselves. Plus, this museum pays homage to Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood. Sanger was a supporter of eugenics, which from what we’ve been told is the belief that some people shouldn’t have children, and should be sterilized. As you all know, the GOP believes only liberals, gays, illegal immigrants, atheists, Muslims, socialists, Marxists, cat lovers, people who like Noam Chomsky, people who hate guns, anyone who likes live theater, Broadway actors, Green Day, Wiccans, pagans, Satanists, RINOs, environmentalists, the SPLC, the ACLU, and everyone at Al Jazeera should be sterilized. Margaret Sanger wanted to keep black people from having babies. Who’s the party of hate now, Democrats? And do not reelect Marsha Blackburn.

So, Happy Mother’s Day from the GOP! We love our patriotic American moms, and wish you nothing but the best in the coming year. As you sew your gingham dresses, and bake your pies, never forget Benghazi. Thank you, God Bless Mothers, and God Bless the United States of America.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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  • Pipercat

    It’s not the dryer, it’s the bloody washing machine!!

  • Sandy Greer

    Wow. I hate that Mother’s Day was used for snark.

    1) Met the first husband in college. Even tho I later divorced him, I wouldn’t trade those years (in college, or with him) for the world. YES! to meeting husbands in college.

    2) Nighties? Missionary sex? Please. I think we can safely assume even Republicans sleep nude and don’t confine themselves to missionary positions. Superiority Complex, anyone?

    3) Won’t even touch the ‘sterilization’ assertion. Except to say, it’s totally offensive to anyone with even half a brain. Spit tacks.

    This article could have been one extolling the virtues of the Democrats, and how they work for women.

    Woulda, coulda, shoulda: DIDN’T.