The Republican presidential circus has become so large that it really is extremely difficult to keep up with it all. I work in politics for a living and if I had to list every single GOP candidate right now I might leave a couple out.
But it’s not just the sheer number of candidates, it’s how absolutely awful they are. Which is why the field is so crowded to begin with. If there were really someone most Republicans wanted to be their candidate for president, you wouldn’t see the clown car this full.
So I thought I’d break down just how terrible all of these candidates really are. I’ll start with the ones who really stand no chance and work my way up from there.
George Pataki: Many of you might be asking yourselves, “Who?” – exactly.
Jim Gilmore: Okay, I just made this name up. This person really doesn’t exist, at least not as a presidential candidate. I was just making sure you’ve been keeping up to keep you on your toes.
*No, actually that’s a lie. He’s real, was once Governor of Virginia and he’s the seventeenth candidate for Republicans – but I bet most people reading this thought I did just make his name up, didn’t you?
John Kasich: He’s currently governor of Ohio. Sadly, even though he’s still very much a staunch Republican, he might be the most rational of the entire bunch. He expanded Medicaid, isn’t completely opposed to a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants and he’s possibly the most “pro gay rights” of any of the candidates (and he’s not even truly “pro gay rights”). Sadly, these three somewhat rational stances on these issues more or less disqualifies him from being a “true Republican” in the eyes of many conservatives.
Carly Fiorina: Yes, a woman who nearly ran one of our country’s largest electronics companies (HP) into the ground and was essentially forced out before she could finish the job – but not before she gave herself several large raises, bought a few corporate jets and laid off thousands of workers. Only the best of the best for Republicans, obviously.
Lindsey Graham: He’s not even liked by most Republicans he works with, let alone someone the party would ever want as their nominee. I honestly have no clue why he’s even running.
Rick Santorum: To his credit he did win a few states in 2012. But then again, he lost the GOP nomination to – Mitt Romney. Next.
Chris Christie: This guy is literally running for president because for about three weeks a year and a half ago he was seen as a potential threat to Hillary Clinton. He’s running purely because of his ego.
Rick Perry: Easily the biggest disaster from the 2012 GOP primary apparently believes wearing glasses will trick everyone into thinking he’s intelligent. Many polls I’ve come across don’t even have him winning his home state. That’s beyond sad.
Ben Carson: A brilliant neurosurgeon who has absolutely no qualifications to hold any political office, let alone the presidency. He’s essentially just using his campaign to boost his name recognition and make money giving speeches. At least Herman Cain was somewhat entertaining as a joke candidate in 2012 – Carson can’t even say that much.
Bobby Jindal: I’m not quite sure why a guy who’s running his own state into the ground thinks he’s qualified to be president.
Rand Paul: Hey, who remembers that week everyone thought he was a legitimate presidential contender? His best qualification for the presidency: His dad’s multiple failed attempts to win the Republican nomination.
Ted Cruz: The guy who became a United States Senator just so he could run for president in 2016. While most Republicans are prone to lying, Cruz actually seems incapable of not lying.
Mike Huckabee: I’m not sure if someone who believes he can call down “fire from Heaven,” or apparently doesn’t even understand how our Constitution works, is qualified to be president – though he fits in perfectly on Fox News.
Marco Rubio: It’s not good when your biggest claim to fame is reaching for a bottle of water on live television during one of the biggest moments of your political career. He seems to be the candidate getting support from those who don’t like Jeb Bush or Scott Walker, and know he’s the best of the “doesn’t stand a chance” candidates that the GOP has.
Scott Walker: Yes, the guy best known for busting unions, screwing over teachers and presiding over one of the worst economies in the country seems to think he’s qualified to be president. Like Jindal, he’s not even popular (or even successful) in his own state, so I have no idea why anyone would vote for him – other than, “He’s not Jeb Bush.”
Jeb Bush: Let’s be honest, there are two reasons why Jeb is in this race:
- Because Republicans desperately needed someone they thought might be able to put up a decent fight against Hillary Clinton.
- His last name.
He’s basically the 2016 version of Mitt Romney. And by that I mean, he’s probably the “most electable” clown of the entire circus – which that in and of itself speaks volumes.
Donald Trump: Yes, here’s your Republican front-runner. I will repeat that: Donald Trump is the current Republican presidential front-runner. He’s called most Mexican immigrants rapists, bashed a war hero and gave the world Lindsey Graham’s phone number – then proceeded to skyrocket in the polls. It’s like I’ve said before: No matter what ultimately happens, Republicans will forever have to live with the fact that for weeks, Donald Trump was their leading candidate for president.
It really is a sad day when Republicans literally had years to plan for this election – and these are the best candidates they could find.
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