Since Donald Trump still likes to stage campaign-style rallies, mostly to boost his own ego by having thousands of people cheering him on, I thought I’d help him out some by writing a factually-based speech I think he should give to those who adore him so much.
You know, just me trying to help out “The Donald.”
I wanted to thank everyone for coming. I mean… wow! Take a look at that crowd, would ya? Who can bring out a crowd like this other than me, right? I mean, there are a lot of people here — a lot of people, let me tell you.
Now, please, cheer and chant favorable things for a few seconds, my ego desperately needs it.
(2-minute pause to soak in mindless sheep who do what they’re told)
Thank you. Really… my supporters are the greatest. I could go outside and pee on a fire hydrant on Fifth Avenue and not only would they still support me, but the value of that fire hydrant would go up exponentially. Like gold, folks. Somebody call Glenn Beck.
Who’s a good boy?! Me, I’m a good boy!
(2-minute pause for more inexplicable cheering)
Let me just say, isn’t making America great again fun? America is greater than it’s ever been — believe me. Don’t believe the fake media telling you all these lies about legitimate FBI investigations into my campaign, that the special counselor Robert Mueller is now investigating me for obstruction of justice, and that Congress is also looking into whether or not my campaign colluded with Russia — that’s all fake news. None of it’s real.
I love rallies like this so much. They let me talk directly to the people. We’re living in a great time, a great time, let me tell you, a time where I’m so insecure that I feel the need to hold these proud, fake-patriotic events to stroke my massive ego. Thank you all. Now, will you all please chant “U.S.A!” so it makes us all look more like we care about America and not Russia?
(2-minute pause for U.S.A. chant)
You people are terrific. The best.
Speaking of terrific, have you seen my approval numbers? They’re unbelievable. I have the highest approval ratings any “president” has ever had as long as you compare them to someone who’s never been president. Because, you know, if you’ve never been president then your approval rating would be “zero” — and mine’s much higher than that. Much, much higher.
When you look at my disapproval rating, it’s even better. Unbelievable folks… unbelievable. I have the highest disapproval rate for any president at this point in their presidency — the highest! Can you believe it? No president has ever been this disapproved of this early on — ever.
Speaking of winning, look at this economy. Talk about beautiful, right? Even though I haven’t signed a single piece of economic legislation, the economy has continued to look just as good as it did during most of Barack Obama’s time in office. I know I told you those numbers were all “phony” and a “hoax”… but they’re totally real now. Just as honest as I am about my intent to release my tax returns — by the way, which nobody wants to see, nobody — you can believe me when I say the economy is 100 percent better since I took office.
Anyone who tells you our current economic data is just a continuation of what we saw during most of Obama’s time in office is lying. They’re liars. FAKE NEWS! Obama’s economy was a disaster until January 20th.
Make America great again!
(2-minute pause for applause)
Phew, I almost had you people realizing that I have nothing to do with the current state of the economy and Obama’s economic record was actually very good.
Wait, I mean.. Hillary Clinton! Benghazi!
(2-minute pause for “Lock her up!” chants)
It’s amazing — that you all still believe I’m going to prosecute her. It’s wonderful you all still fall for that because I constantly need ways to distract you folks like dogs are distracted when they see a squirrel or me when I see a pu–y I want to grab.
Don’t worry though. We’ll get Clinton — believe me. Just as soon as Mexico pays for the border wall, and we prove that Obama’s birth certificate is fake, that’s when Clinton’s being prosecuted.
(2-minute pause for “Build that wall!” chants)
Wow, you people still fall for that, too? That’s terrific. Just beautiful. I’m so blessed to be supported by so many people who are too naive to realize I’ve been conning you all the entire time. You people… you’re the most patriotic Americans in all of North or South America.
No, but seriously, Mexico is never paying for that wall — you’re going to — and it’s not going to do anything to deter illegal immigration. But it’s something you folks think will and it makes for a really neat chant, right? So, hey — let’s build that amazing, beautiful, completely useless wall.
(2-minute pause for “Build that wall!” chants)
Can you believe these Democrat obstructionists? These are awful people. They’re so terrible and mean that they’ve somehow managed to keep my own party, which controls both the House and the Senate, as well as the White House, from passing any of the lies I conned you all into believing during my campaign. The fact that I can’t tell you how they’ve obstructed this legislation, despite not really having the power to do so, especially in the House, is proof of how horrible they are.
Look at health care, and that nasty bill House Republicans passed a few weeks ago that I celebrated and cheered. It’s so mean. And you know whose fault that is? The Democrats.
As long as they keep telling the truth about Trumpcare — though don’t call it that, because it’s such a disaster I don’t want my name tied to it anywhere — and how it’s going to gut Medicaid, strip insurance away from 23 million, hike premiums on most people (especially those 50 and older), as well as strip away coverage for people with pre-existing conditions, I mean, how are we supposed to get it signed into law?
And what about how strong America is right now? Am I right? We are the talk of the world once again. I mean, like really, the rest of the world cannot stop talking about Donald Trump. Sure, the haters say it’s because they’re mocking my incompetence, how unqualified for the job I am, and how much of an embarrassment I am to the American people.
Those are nasty, nasty lies. That’s fake news, people. Fake. News. Believe me.
They can’t stop talking about me and my big brain — I’m a very smart person… very smart — because they know the days of pushing the United States around are over. I’ve been told by many people named Steve Bannon that the rest of the world was tired of seeing this country led by a well-spoken, competent, respected man like Obama. They were sick of it.
The rest of the world wanted a U.S. “president” with a short attention span, who could only understand information presented in bullet form, with one-page limits. Think about how much less work they’re having to go through when I visit? They know I’m so smart that I don’t need to read big words — even though I know the best words — to understand complex issues. Mostly because they’re already aware that they’ll likely have to explain them to me anyway or that I won’t understand them at all no matter what.
I’m making them bow down to me. When they bring me my overcooked steak smothered in ketchup, I make them cut it into triangles and feed it to me while whispering “best. president. ever.” over and over again into my right ear. Gotta be the right ear, folks, because the left is un-American.
These foreign leaders wanted to be able to talk to a U.S. president like a mature and fully-functioning adult — but I’m showing them. I’m making them bend to my insecurities and ego. They’re not just feeding me burnt steak, they’re feeding my Twitter rage, too!
Winning, ladies and gentlemen, winning.
Was Obama allowed to play with a really neat orb in Saudi Arabia? No.
Did the prime minister from Australia become such good friends with Obama that he felt comfortable enough to openly mock him in a public setting? Of course not, because Obama is stupid. But guess who the prime minister did mock in a public setting? Me.
I told you all, during the campaign, did I not? I told you all we would be winning so much people would get tired of winning. Well, are you tired of winning yet? I know I’m not. I’m on a mission to cement my place in history as the winningest president ever.
Mark it down — ever.
By the time I leave office, I’m hoping to have set just about every presidential mark for futility and ineptitude. But I’ll tell you all that I was the best ever, and you’re going to cheer and believe me no matter what I say, right? Because you’re all such wonderful, beautiful people. You’re the greatest. And I’m going to keep telling you how great you all are to distract you from how awful I am and how terrible of a job I’m doing.
Make American great again! God Bless America!
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