The Homo Demons are Among Us! The Gay “Agenda” Exposed

satanReverend James David Manning (Insane Party) has a sign outside his Harlem church for passersby to read, or in the case of his latest screed, drive onto the sidewalk and crash into a tree. It seems Rev. Manning (So Unstable Party) believes President Obama has “released homo demons” into the African American population. Those demons have their eyes on black men, so, according to Rev. Manning (Thorazine Party), black women better “look out.”

My first thought upon reading about Rev. Manning’s (OH DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP party) sign was “What the hell is a homo demon?” I know a lot of gay men, and while they may have mischievous senses of humor, none of them are demonic. Well, according to many people, okay me, demons should be really good looking, so as to more easily tempt you over to the dark side. I mean, who’s going to follow something that looks like a pustulant gargoyle, or that guy from “Dune” with all the boils? Thus, I present The Homo Demon™.

Take Johnny Depp’s eyes and rugged sensitivity, combine them with Jeff Goldblum’s crazy sexy walk, add Brad Pitt’s smile, Nathan Lane’s sense of humor, and Tim Gunn’s style, and voila-The Homo Demon™. The Homo Demon™ would be fabulously dressed, but not overdressed; he has to look stylish without being off-putting. Oh, and he has to be white.

Erin, you racist cow! No, wait, hear me out. See, Reverend Manning’s (It’s Time For Group Party) sign reads “Look out black woman. A white homo may take your man.” It’s not me who needs The Homo Demon™ to be white, he’s supposed to be white. Lighten up. That came out wrong.

Anyway, The Homo Demon™ would pounce on unsuspecting, straight, black men, and drag them off to his tastefully decorated townhouse in Greenwich Village. THD™ might serve a gourmet lunch or dinner, depending on the time of the kidnapping. THD™ could offer his “victim” a delightful repast of poached salmon, basmati rice, haricot vert, and for dessert, a luscious pot du creme. After dining and chatting, the HOMO SEX would begin.

Except, of course, one of the people in that tastefully decorated townhouse isn’t gay, and the other one doesn’t even exist. There are no white homo demons, lurking behind parked cars, waiting to attack straight, African American men. And gay men do things other than have sex. Although, listening to people like Rev. Manning (Restraint Party), you wouldn’t know it.

The far right, and the not-so far right, are obsessed with naked, gay men, more so than actual naked, gay men. When Rev. Manning (Haldol Party) created that sign, his mind was a whirling dervish, filled with images of muscular, handsome, glistening, naked gay men. That’s all they think about! Not about love, or the normal, everyday things LGBT couples do; they are all consumed by the idea of two men DOING SEXY THINGS together. Women DOING SEXY THINGS together? Shit, they download that so fast, their hard drives burn up.

And of course, there’s The Gay Agenda, wherein gay people play flutes, and take your children into a magic mountain because you refused to pay them for…no, that’s “The Pied Piper of Hamlin.” The Gay Agenda, wherein lesbians lure straight men…The Gay Agenda, when bisexuals kidnap your grandmother and force her to paint the kitchen, in tasteful pastels?

Here’s one man’s Gay Agenda. This is it. It’s simple, it’s real, and it doesn’t threaten anyone. The man, by the way, is Major Steve Snyder Hill, or as he is known around the world, “The soldier who got booed.” I call him my friend. Jon Stewart calls him “Captain Creatine.”

Ok I am gonna come clean. I am finally letting the cat out of the bag. Republicans and Christians have forced my hand here. I do have a gay agenda. It involves an alarm at 5am and a little argument about working out vs sleeping in. Then involves going to work. After that I play with my dogs and cook supper. I also serve in the military and build computers. I finish my day by falling asleep watching tv. All this stuff I do, I have a person by my side. It’s a guy and I would like to have permission from society to be married to him… Because I love him. That is my gay agenda.

There you have The Gay Agenda. No homo demons, no lurking stalkers, jumping out from behind parked cars, just a man who loves another man. A man who goes to work serving his country and fighting for rights he doesn’t have, who has a nice house, two dogs, friends, a book coming out this fall with a foreword by George Takei (I KNOW!), and just wants to be able to walk down the street, holding his husband’s hand.

Steve and Josh don’t want to “take” some woman’s man. They want to live in the country Steve almost died for, and be accepted for who they are. What’s wrong with that? Why do people like Rev. Manning (Party of Hate) think that’s dangerous or evil? If Steve and Josh ever come visit us, my straight, macho husband would not think twice of walking down the street with them if they held hands. He doesn’t understand people like Rev. Manning (Closet Party), and believes LGBT people should have the same rights as everyone else.

The true danger, and the true evil, lies not within the LGBT community, but within the majority of the far right. I’ve never heard any LGBT person say “Straight people should all be killed.” I hear self-professed straight people on the far right say LGBT people should be killed all the time.

The Homo Demon™ doesn’t exist. The Gay Agenda is nothing more than adults who love each other, going about their daily lives, and desperately wanting to live and love in a country that accepts them. If the right wing so desperately wants to see evil and cruelty, they don’t have to work so hard to find it. All they need do is look in a mirror.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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