Introducing My New Religion, Cliff-stianity

dogma-george-carlinCall me… inspired.  I never knew the power that saying, “It’s against my religion” could give me.  Silly me, I always thought that freedom of religion applied to actual human beings, not entities.  I always thought that our First Amendment gave me the right to follow whatever religion I felt like without fear that someone else could force me to abide by another set of beliefs in which I do not believe.

Well, apparently I was wrong.  It seems, at least according to our Supreme Court, that under the right circumstances one can legally argue that they should be allowed to ignore federal laws, forcing others to abide by their religious views, based upon their own personal religious beliefs.

That, my friends, is power.

All justified by uttering the simple phrase, “It’s against my religion.”

So, seizing this opportunity, I’ve decided to start my own religion.  After all, why the hell not?

And I shall call it Cliff-stianity.

What God will Cliff-stians follow?  Well, whatever God they want.  Considering not one single religion on the planet has concrete evidence that any of their gods actually exist, we’ll go ahead and make Cliff-stians believers in any God that they so choose.

But I’m not going to leave atheists out.  If you happen to be an individual who doesn’t believe in any kind of God, Cliff-stianity has you covered, too.  Because you don’t have to worship any kind of God to be a Cliff-stian.

You know why?  Because as followers of Cliff-stianity, we’re not assholes.

Science is more than welcome in Cliff-stianity.  Now I know what some might say, “Why believe in science?”  Well, the answer to that question is simple.

Because it’s freaking science.  

When we quote scientific facts, we’ll get our information from people who can start their sentences by saying, “Well, I am a PhD accredited scientist,” “I’m a leading astrophysicist” or “I’m an expert in my field of (fill in scientific speciality).”

Cliff-stians will not take seriously the scientific opinions of those who start their sentences by saying, “Well, I’m not a scientist, but I have the Discovery Channel on my DIRECTV package and it was cold last week, therefore climate change must be a hoax.”

There won’t be any kind of weekly church attendance necessary for Cliff-stianity.  I would rather people take an hour out of their week to go out and feed the homeless, volunteer at a children’s hospital, help the elderly or spend time with your family.  There’s no need for a weekly gathering inside of a building to make Cliff-stians feel better about themselves. That time would be much better spent simply being better people rather than pretending to be better people on Sunday morning.

Instead of “tithing” to a church, donate your money to a charity of your choosing.  Because doesn’t that just make more sense?

Cliff-stians can drink, smoke, have premarital sex, use birth control, have an abortion, watch pornography – it’s all fine by Cliff-stianity.

You know why?  Because it’s your life, not anybody else’s.  If there’s some kind of judgement to be made on our souls after we die, that’s between each person and whatever God they might face in the afterlife.

If you ever need help, Cliff-stians are encouraged to help those in need.  Because while it’s true that people often learn by picking themselves back up after they’ve been knocked down, that doesn’t mean we all haven’t needed a helping hand once in a while getting back up after life knocked us on our ass.

And yes, we will of course recognize same-sex marriage and fully support equal rights – for most.  And to explain the “for most” part, let’s go ahead and find out which American’s Constitutional rights we’ll be legally allowed to violate in the name of our “religious freedom.”

Cliff-stians believe that anyone who opposes same-sex marriage should be barred from ever having a divorce.  If you want to argue that the “sanctity of marriage” is that important, than you shouldn’t be breaking any vows.  In fact, let’s get a few Cliff-stian politicians to start crafting legislation to make this law ASAP.

We reserve the right to refuse any kind of service to anyone who supports the Confederate flag.  As this offends Cliff-stians, it should be within our rights to exercise our religious freedom to deny our goods or services to anyone who supports such ignorance.

As Cliff-stians view the tea party as a hate group, any followers of Cliff-stianity reserve the right to discriminate against anyone who openly displays any allegiance to the tea party.  Because being a tea party supporter is a choice.

We do, however, support reparative therapy for tea party supporters.  Because they can always choose to not be giant hateful pricks.

Considering Hobby Lobby feels that they can impose their beliefs on others, it will be encouraged in Cliff-stianity to protest outside of their locations carrying signs showing images of overseas sweatshops where 95% of Hobby Lobby’s overpriced garbage is made.  All the sign needs to say is, “How is exploiting sweatshop labor a Christian value?”

If you meet at least three of the following five things, Cliff-stians reserve the right to feel sorry for any children you might have:

  • Have had mullet in the last decade (losing bets/Halloween costumes do not count).
  • Own sleeveless flannel shirts.
  • Voted for George W. Bush.
  • Believe that the Flintstones is a documentary.
  • Think that the Confederacy should be historically honored.

Cliff-stians reserve the right to ignore any laws based on Republicanity.  What’s Republicanity, you ask?  Well, it’s the religion conservatives really worship.

If you’ve ever seriously uttered the phrase, “The south shall rise again!” it is a Cliff-stian’s religious right to publicly ridicule that person – as they are an idiot.

You might also be denied the right to be a Cliff-stian if:

  • You consider Justin Bieber talented.
  • You’re hoping they make Sex and the City 3.
  • You consider NASCAR a sport.
  • You wear glasses ironically.
  • You take “duckface” selfies thinking they’re cool (or as a joke more than 5 times).
  • You consider hunting sitting in a blind, 150 yards from an artificial food source drenched in some kind of animal urine.
  • While working out at the gym you make a lot of really strange, loud noises so everyone around you feels uncomfortable.
  • When you think of the movie Karate Kid you envision Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith.
  • You’re happy they chose Ben Affleck to play Batman.
  • You think Dane Cook is funny.
  • You start fights after UFC pay per views because you believe watching MMA suddenly gives you “mad fighting skills.”
  • You’ve typed sentences that look something like “Wut r u up 2 2nite?”

Alright, I’ll go ahead and wrap it up there.  Though there’s seemingly an endless amount of possibilities to come up with.

Let me know on my Twitter if you’ll be joining my Cliff-stianity “religion” and I’ll see what I can do for you.


Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.

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  • Peter Laine

    I’ve always like rev billy sol hargrass’ first discount house of worship” why pay more for eternal salvation” why don’t we push this further, lets form a ltd liability corporation. As the directors of the corporation we can direct it to have an epiphany, “cash will set you free” surrender yourself to the marketplace, consumer surveys offer “revealed truth” I’m still working on how to get scared little old ladies to send me( I mean the corporate entity) their extra cash. I’ll let you know

  • gian keysTOOEASY flat mom

    im joining!!! big tax free moneeeee and CONTROL over stupid inbred white trash
    JESUS photos? naah: we can use Marilyn lange pics or john C holmes pics or MAYBE those newly minted ” flying spaghetti monsters ” I hear about
    ============================================================
    UNREAL what my great country has been side swept by!! Luckily: PROGRESS ( away from atavistic REGRESS) will continue as the aging white scumbags who CLAIM that THIER invisible and non existent “GOD” rapidy die off and intellect continues to accelerate

  • June Goetz Lynne

    We can all start our own religions … I want to worship toe nail clippings …. so any employee can never clip their toe nails because they are a religious item to me … see we can all do it!

  • Eg Kbbs

    As I remember the New Testament, Jesus and the early church were highly critical of those who followed the letter of the law but ignored the basic principles of love, mercy, etc.

    Ditto for the Old Testament prophets. One who quoted God as saying “I desire mercy, not sacrifice. The love of God more than all the burnt offerings.”

  • ben

    I am torn, I like yours but FSM is pretty awesome.

  • huxley

    thats not a bad rant .
    pity in oz your entertaining if thats the right word supreme court did not hold sway because i would so love to give that a try …