In case you missed it, the field of Republican presidential candidates doubled in just the last few days as Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina all announced that they’re going to run for president.
Now, what do all three of these candidates have in common? That’s simple: They stand absolutely no chance at winning. Then again, neither do Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, or Marco Rubio, the first three entrants into the GOP’s 2016 clown car.
There’s practically no way that any of these first six announced GOP candidates are ever going to become president.
Or as Jon Stewart put it, “You know the beginning of the season there on the Big Brother show, before they vote the crazy people out who you know are never going to win? That’s where we’re at in the Republican presidential race.”
First, Stewart went after former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina, who perhaps is best known for running HP into the ground and laying off 30,000 employees – all while tripling her salary and being forced to leave the company due to her incompetence with a nice, comfy $40 million ($21 million cash and $19 million in stock and pension benefits) “golden parachute.”
Stewart poked fun at an interview she had with Katie Couric where Fiorina tried to play the “would you ask a male candidate that question?” outrage card after Couric asked if she was angling for a vice presidential nomination – you know, since she’s currently polling at one percent. The Yahoo! host proceeded to put Fiorina in her place by stating she would absolutely ask that question to a man if they were polling at one percent.
He then moved on to former Fox News contributor Ben Carson, who went with a ridiculous opening for his presidential candidacy announcement of Eminem’s Lose Yourself sung by a choir in Detroit, before giving a speech that probably even put his fans to sleep.
Next up was another former Fox News employee Mike Huckabee, who apparently went full-on ‘Murica for his presidential announcement, with a group of Boy Scouts leading the Pledge of Allegiance and a folksy story about his first gun as a child. The former Arkansas governor apparently felt the need to brag about not having the desire to murder anyone, despite being a gun owner.
“That may be the lowest bar a candidate has ever set for their presidential qualifications,” Stewart quipped.
Stewart then played a clip where Huckabee repeated a line he’s used before where he claims Christianity is being “criminalized.” Because, you know, marriage equality and Constitutional rights are clear attempts to criminalize Christianity. The stupidity of these religious fanatics never ceases to astound me.
Huckabee also went on to say that many of our politicians have “surrendered to the false God of judicial supremacy,” or as Stewart correctly put it, they’re simply following “the Constitutional rule of law.”
This prompted Stewart to end the segment by mimicking Carson’s choir’s performance, only he used a different song by Eminem to summarize how he felt about these three new GOP candidates: “It’s more like – ‘Hi, my name is what? My name is who? My name is… slim chances!'”
Watch the segment below via Comedy Central:
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