Crazed Christian Sees Satan In Katy Perry’s Super Bowl Halftime Show

Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

The 49th Super Bowl has come and gone. Patriots fans are thrilled, Seahawks fans are confused. And once again, people with way too much time on their hands have dissected the halftime show in order to show us all the truth about the Illuminati. Also, satanic avocados. Where should we start-Katy Perry on fire, her Baphomet dress, Masons, Luciferian cults, or the evil avocados? Hmm. Let’s begin with the avocados of Satan, and work our way up to the grand finale, shall we?

One of the go-to sites for all things Illuminati is a Youtube channel called The Vigilant Christian, AKA Mario. Mario takes his screen name from 1 Peter 5:8, which reads:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Mario is alert, a member of The Christian Truther Network, and claims to be sober. He sees Satan in pretty much everything, including Super Bowl commercials. He takes great offense at Mophie’s commercial, because it “mocks” God. He explains how in a 14-minute long diatribe, calling the commercial “satanic.” Mario has made an entire video series on how the Illuminati is behind almost everything we saw Sunday. Including avocados.

Avocados From Mexico’s commercial begins 4 billion years ago (give or take), which is the first thing Mario Vigilant Christian points out as evil. See, the earth isn’t older than 10,000 years, and anything that claims it is, is satanic. Or Illuminati-ic. The camera pans to a man in a robe, standing behind a podium. Hanging behind the man is a banner that reads “FIRST DRAFT EVER.” The banner is strung between two pillars. Those pillars are evil. According to Mario Vigilant, “those pillars are very significant.” If you follow the Illuminati, you should know those are Masonic pillars, which represent knowledge, and God hates knowledge, and also Masons, and pillars, so…Satan. Mario goes on to show the animals being chosen in the “First Draft,” and he notices the raccoon is holding an upside down pentagram. It’s a starfish, but sure, whatever.

The interesting thing here is Mario misunderstands the entire commercial. He thinks it’s making fun of creation, because God chooses what animals (and plants) go where, when in fact, it’s individual countries who choose. This misunderstanding is important, because Mario also completely blows his entire analysis of Katy Perry’s entrance by mistaking her for Survivor.

Katy Perry rode a giant, mechanical lion into the stadium while singing “Roar.” Except according to Mario, she was singing “Eye of the Tiger.” He says this a couple of times, which led me to Google “Roar,” because I was completely confused. Then I understood. The chorus of “Roar” contains this line:

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

Her “suit,” as Mario calls it, was “literally flaming.” Err, no. It was a design. Katy Perry was not on fire during the first part of the halftime show. He goes on to point out we are dealing with a “Luciferian Cult,” and I Googled that too, but I really wish I hadn’t. The first 3 links are “Secret Societies: Ancient Luciferian Cult called Illuminati 1,” “Confessions of an ex-Luciferian Jew,” and “Satanism 101-Obama’s Luciferian Belief System.”

Mario Lionhater uses big words, like esoteric, to point out why very few people can see all the Illuminati and satanic imagery in Katy Perry’s performance: it’s hidden. Just like the dress she wore to her press conference; we see a dress with cute footballs, Mario sees Baphomet. Baphomet, for those of you unfamiliar with whatever the hell this is, is a goat. With breasts. Katy Perry has breasts, therefore, she’s a Luciferian goat.

In Mario’s mind, anytime we see fire or gold, we’re seeing Satan and the Illuminati. The Illuminati practices “blood sacrifice” to their gods, who are really demons, using fire for purification, and Katy Perry’s dress (which is not on fire) symbolizes that ritual. The lion is gold, Katy is on fire (she’s not), the lion’s eyes are glowing, and we are watching a very subtle Illuminati ritual. Really subtle. We are then treated to an explanation of the symbolism behind Katy Perry riding the mechanical lion through people holding glowing balls. NO! They are in the shape of an eye, and this is when Mario says “the song is ‘Eye of the Tiger,'” so my original explanation is wrong: he does think she’s Survivor.

At the 5-minute mark, Vigilant Mario admits his next segue might be a little hard for people to understand. As opposed to the previous 5 minutes, which were clear as a healing crystal. Katy Perry is preaching self-empowerment to the masses, because tiger’s eye is a crystal used by “New-Agers” to activate their solar plexus chakra “for that, for self-empowerment.” He continues:

Now, in Christ, we do not self-empower ourselves. We are empowered by God. The bible says we are strong in fact when we are weak, because God is powerful. Our strength doesn’t come from our own strong, self-will, like that of the tiger eye. We get our strength in the power of God.

According to a feng shui website, these are the “healing” properties of tiger’s eye:

  • Brings insight into complex situations
  • Protects from negative energies
  • Helps focus the mind
  • Attracts good luck
  • Can deepen one’s meditative state
  • Grounds and centers personal energy
  • Dispels fears
  • Promotes mental clarity

All those properties seem calming, and protection from negative energies sounds pretty great. Perhaps I should have been wearing tiger’s eye while watching Mario’s explanation of satanic avocados and the Illuminati.

Taking it up a notch, Christian Mario tells parents Katy Perry is a “satanic role model,” while showing a frame from her performance with Lenny Kravitz. Mario’s an “old-fashioned kind of guy,” and he wants us women to know we don’t have to “grind up against” men. We don’t have to be the “Jezebel spirited woman.” So stop dry humping strangers in the subway, ladies!

Mario closes by admonishing parents who let their children, especially daughters, watch Katy Perry, or Nicki Minaj, or Missy Elliot. Satan comes disguised as light (or fire, or gold, or a tiger, or an avocado), and it’s up to us to fight back against the Luciferian Illuminati cult blood sacrifices.

You can watch Mario The Vigilant Christian below. Or you can take a nap.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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