A Letter To America From Mitt Romney…I Mean Mott Rimney

Mitt RomneyDear America,

My name is Mott Rimney, and I am a middle-class guy from North Dakota. I’m writing you today to tell you about the man I hope is the next President of the United States, Mitt Romney. We – the normal, middle class people of this great country-recognize that Mitt is the obvious choice for 2016. Third time’s the charm, amiright? (Ask Annie if that sounds too ethnic.) Mitt has the smarts, the business experience, and the hair, to make our nation great again. Now I know other Republicans are pondering a run at the White House (pondering may sound Ivy League, possible edit), but I really think Mitt Romney is our man. Yes, he’s said some things in the past that may have been misunderstood, like the 47% thing, and the my wife drives a couple of Caddies thing, and the corporations are people thing, and…

Look, here’s the deal. We need a white guy in there, and not some crazy white guy. Huckabee? REALLY? His son killed a dog for God’s sake, and he hangs out with Ted Nugent. Mitt wouldn’t hang out with Ted Nugent, because Mitt has class. (rewrite that whole thing to appeal to the white trash Nugent fans.) And while I, normal man Mott Rimney, understand Ben Carson is an awesome dude (do people still say dude?), he’s, well, black. We’ve done that already, and look how horribly that turned out (this might be the wrong way to go – check with Allen West). Mitt’s no racist, no sirree, why he has a black grandson! Cute little thing, too.

Mitt Romney, who is definitely not me, wants to let you know he understands the pain of the middle class. He came really close to being middle class once. He was in France, avoiding the Vietnam war, and he barely survived, relying solely on interest from his dad’s investments. Mitt Romney, who is really not me (too much?), wants average Americans to know he is on our side. He will approve the Keystone pipeline, roll back regulations, turn our public schools over to corporations, get rid of Romneycare Obamacare, and take America back to a simpler time.

Remember the 50’s? Everyone had a Chevrolet in the garage, Mom stayed home and baked pies, Dad worked 9-5, and little Stevie didn’t want to date little Markie down the block. We had clean air, black stewardesses, women wore skirts, and everyone believed in God. Was America perfect? Maybe not, but we were darn close (maybe damn to sound more manly?). Look at what we have in the White House right now. A metrosexual, socialist, liberal president who is destroying this country Mitt Romney loves to the core. Speaking of core, Mitt will get rid of Common Core, because it sounds like Communist.

Middle-class America must choose Mitt Romney in 2016, if he decides to run. If he doesn’t, we’ll be stuck with either Hillary Clinton, a woman who let 4 people die in Benghazi because she was playing Tetris, or Ted Cruz, a man who was born in Canada, and whose father is insane. Don’t get me wrong – I, Mott Rimney, believe in demons just as much as the next person, but Rafael Cruz takes it to a whole new level. What is Dominionism, anyway? Mitt’s a Mormon, a religion based off the lunatic ramblings of a guy who thinks Jesus talked to the Indians so close to Christianity, it might as well be the same religion!

And Mitt looks American, as opposed to “some people.” He’s tall, devastatingly handsome, a natty (too gay?) dresser, and he looks great in jeans. Mitt believes in the middle-class and the poor. During a recent speech, he pointed out that during the Obama administration, “the rich have gotten richer, income inequality has gotten worse, and there are more people in poverty than ever.” He’s right! Mitt Romney, who is not me, is on our side, American poor people with bad hygiene habits no jobs because of the bad man in the White House.

You know what Mitt has never done? Called black people “blah people.” Said rape was legitimate Said there was any difference between real rape and fake rape  Spoken at a Klan rally. He’s never been arrested, none of his children have ever killed a dog, and no one in his family listens to Beyonce. Mitt’s a true blue blood American. Do you know the real story behind that car elevator? Mitt saw some homeless people selling fruit outside La Jolla, and decided to install a car elevator so he could give those people jobs. Mitt’s heart is as big as the Salt Lake Temple.

America, we have a choice in 2016. We can elect someone who only cares about corporate America, and vulture capitalism, or we can elect the new and empathetic-to-poor-people Mitt Romney, who is definitely not me. Whaddaya (too ethnic?) say, America? Are we going to let socialism, pacifism, and atheism destroy our great nation, or are we going to vote for the one man who can save us all? That man is Mitt Romney.

From me, Mott Rimney, to all the good, Christian American patriots out there, God bless, and here’s to the next President of these United States, Willard Mitt “The Man” Romney!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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