Meet Future Theocratic President of the United States Darrell Trigg

darrell-triggJust in case you were worried that Hillary Clinton will march right into the White House without so much as a hilarious-but-super-scary contender to keep us on our toes during the primaries, out comes Darrell Trigg to out-fake-Christian the Christian Right. Oh heck, he’s running in the Christian Party. If you thought Steve Green and Hobby Lobby were off-base and unconstitutional in trying to incorporate a bible class into public schools (hint: They are!), President Trigg is gonna Blow. Your. Mind. You think Newt Gingrich had some weird plans? Or that Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin are too socially conservative under the guise of Christianity? Check out Our Man Trigg!

Now, like Michele Bachmann, Darrell’s been talking to God. But the difference is that Trigg knows that he will be the next president. I want you to watch him announce that on his video. He’s dripping with charisma! George Clooney had a baby with Jesse Jackson and they said this white dude is gonna go back in time as the anti-homosexual 45th president of the United States!

Now, if you’re thinking Darrell’s gonna fit under the auspices of the Tea Party – or at least most of it – you’re wrong. The Tea Party would never allow a president of the US to implement bibles in the classroom raise all teachers’ salaries, basically call for Obamacare (without realizing it) and reduce publicly-traded officers’ salaries to $300,000 a year (yes, that’s more radical than Piketty’s proposal).

In most of Darrell Trigg’s proposals and policies, though, he may align with a number of at least stereotypical Tea Party activists and/or Religious Righters. Outlaw homosexuality? Check. Ban TV and movies that have or talk about sexy-time, homosexuality or OMGblasphemy? Check! Reduce abortions to extremely risky medical situations? Done. Anti-immigration enforcement? Oh yeah. Separation of Church and State? Turn that into a Marriage of Church and State! Speaking of marriage, divorce is only acceptable in cases of abuse and cheating. Abuse is heavily penalized – which sounds pretty cool until you realize that this isn’t a deterrent to domestic abuse and may encourage it.

So, like all of the rest of his (and the Tea Party’s; and fundamentalist preachers’) claims to common sense policies, it’s complete dangerous rubbish, incompatible with real life, and harmful to those on the margins in our society – whether they be LGBTQ, partners of manipulative/abusive individuals, pregnant people, or non-Christians.

Oh, and the bible will be taught in all public high schools and colleges, “for all grades, the same as English and Math.” Shows him what he knows. I only took one math class in college!

But on his eleventh policy, Darrell Trigg sounds exactly like the TP:

 The Welfare Department will be overhauled. This overhaul will include training welfare recipients for jobs that match their abilities. The financial responsibilities of caring for children of mothers who are not married will be shared by the father .

Which is to say he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, just like the Tea Party. Most mothers on welfare already work and can still barely survive. And even absentee fathers (which is largely a myth) are already involved financially and emotionally when they can be. To the extent that they’re not, we need to blame mostly horrid economies for the poorest first, and then look at other reasons. Additionally, job training is already going on under welfare, but finding jobs is not gonna happen. Trigg says he would bring manufacturing (specifically textile) jobs back to the US, but we can kiss those jobs goodbye.

What realistic, living wage jobs can any conservative or liberal offer places like Camden, NJ or Austin in Chicago?

Oh well, can’t drink until 25. What’cha gonna do?


When he’s not riding both his city’s public transit system and evil mayor, Jasdye teaches at a community college and writes about the intersection of equality and faith - with an occasional focus on Chicago - at the Left Cheek blog and on the Left Cheek: the Blog Facebook page. Check out more from Jasdye in his archives as well!


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