Nazis, ISIS, Guns & Open Carry Texas: The CPAC 2015 Recap!

phil-robertson-cpacThe annual meeting of the minds that is CPAC (Caucasian People Are Perfect) came to a close on Sunday. Rand “Water Buddha” Paul won the straw poll, Sean Hannity revealed his super power, Scott Walker proved his readiness to fight terrorists, Donald Trump identified our new enemy, and Phil Robertson talked about STDs. Of course, no CPAC recap would be complete with a closer look at some of the sponsors. Sponsorship ranges in price from $250,000-which gets you a logo on the mainstage backdrop and a ton of publicity-all the way down to $4,000, which gets you “access to attendees in the HUB.” And who were some of this year’s sponsors for CPAC? Presenting sponsors included the NRA, Breitbart, and the One America News Network. Oddly, Donald Trump was only an associate sponsor, along with Townhall Media and Poker Players Alliance. According to Right Wing Watch, CPAC once again welcomed ProEnglish, a nativist group founded by John Tanton, into the fold. You couldn’t find ProEnglish’s name on CPAC’s website, but RWW found them on a longer list via CPAC’s mobile app.

Family Research Council, the hate group that routinely compares homosexuality to pedophilia, is on the list, as is The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family, and Property. TFP is virulently anti-LGBT, and both they and their special campaign group “America Needs Fatima” believe Roe V Wade “made the sin of abortion legal.” The UN Refugee Agency has TFP listed as a “religious para-military group, and in 1986, The Washington Post featured an article on, among other things, people and policies targeted by TFP:

the human rights policy of former president Carter, pornography, rent control, Catholic masses in Portuguese and the theology of liberation, a Latin American intellectual movement wedding Catholic doctrine and revolutionary social action.

So, there are some of the sponsors from whom CPAC took money and supports: two hate groups, and a religious para-military organization.

On to the speakers!

Donald Trump gave a great speech. It was pure Donald Trump. He bragged about himself, bragged a bit more, then, just in case someone in Tibet was still unaware of his awesomeness, he bragged again. Trump can save the world, no details available. Perhaps with his ties made in China? No, really, every single clothing item Donald Trump sells at Macy’s is imported. Solid silk-blend sport coat for $350? Imported. Non-iron white twill dress shirt with French cuffs? Imported. Two tone dot strip tie? Imported. Money tie tac? Imported. Don’t believe me? Here ya go.

Trump refused to offer any actual solutions to ISIS, or unemployment, or anything, really. He did say the president “broke the law when he did what he did,” leaving it up to CPAC (Conservatives Pursuing Aryan Causes) attendees to use their paranoid and fevered imaginations. The Trumpster called on Republicans to be “tougher.” Not on ISIS or poverty, on the IRS and Benghazi. Obamacare is a “total lie” he growled, stating he would get rid of it immediately, and come up with something else. Whatever that might be. We need a wall, Trump stated, and no one can build better than Trump. Sean Hannity (this Q&A session has been Hannitized for your protection) asked Trump a few questions, including what Trump’s top five agenda items would be as president. Trump listed six, because no one can count better than Trump. Those six are:

1) ISIS: “Hit ’em hard.”

2) Repeal Obamacare

3) Deregulate everything, especially the EPA

4) Strong military

5) Veterans (he’ll make more of them)

6) Iran and Israel

When Hannity pushed Trump on details regarding ISIS, The Donald said “boots on the ground.” This was met with boos. Sean also asked Trump about his views on marriage. The man who has cheated on his first wife, divorced her to marry the mistress, had a kid with the new wife, divorced her, and is now married to model, supports “traditional marriage.” You go, girl.

Carly Fiorina, former CEO of Hewlett Packard and possible presidential candidate, insinuated that women who have abortions are cowards. Ms. Fiorina described volunteering in Norfolk, Virginia, where she gave “diapers to young mothers who had the courage to bring their children into the world.” She also stated Dodd-Frank, Obamacare, and Net Neutrality trapped the powerless, and let the “big get bigger.” When Carly Fiorina left Hewlett Packard, she received a $21 million severance package, and an additional $21 million in stock options and pension plans. That seems pretty big. Ms. Fiorina also told her audience kids need a quality education, while in almost the same breath, condemning President Obama’s idea for free community college, calling his plan a “distraction.”

Half-Governor Palin started her speech off strong. After the bent back Iowa debacle, she needed a good speech, a coherent speech, and she nearly had one. Palin began by talking about veterans, pointing out that we need to take better care of our men and women in the military when they come home. She spoke passionately about PTSD, and gave some ideas for making sure our vets receive the help they have earned. It was a solid, moving, and eloquent speech. Until the Nazis. In an effort to attack the Obama administration, Ms. Palin said:

 Oh, the naive Obama State Department. They say we can’t kill our way out of war. Really? Tell that to the Nazis. Oh wait, you can’t. They’re dead. We killed ’em.

Hitler shot himself, Mengele drowned in South America, Nazi hunters are to this day discovering guards and others who worked in concentration camps, and lest we forget, we have a rather violent strain of neo-Nazis right here in America. So, no, “we” didn’t “kill ’em” all, ma’am, and “we” had help during WWII, dismantling the German Nazi party, defeating fascism, and liberating the men, women, and children held in concentration camps.

A quick mention of Phil Robertson’s speech, because it was less a speech, and more a tent revival sermon. He read quotes from George Washington about GOD, quotes from John Adams about GOD, and said if the right-wing candidates want to be safe, they should “carry your bible with you and your woman.” Robertson segued from John Adams to sexually transmitted diseases, saying the only medically safe option to avoid VD is one woman, one man, married for life. This garnered applause and cheers. Poor Log Cabin Republicans.

We’ll end our CPAC (Christians Pretending to Adore Christ) recap with the one, the only, Wayne LaPierre. As usual, LaPierre’s speech was filled with fear, more fear, paranoia, and fear. Nothing can protect you-“you’re on your own”-nothing, that is, except the Second Amendment and the NRA. LaPierre compared ISIS to the mentally ill and criminals (hey, Scott Walker compared terrorists to Wisconsin protesters; CPAC had a theme this year!):

We live in a nation where our freedoms are increasingly vulnerable, From terrorists that are crossing our borders, or embedded already in our communities, to the mentally ill who roam our streets, to a criminal class unleashed upon us by those who refuse to protect us.

Wayne knows that if you’re scared of everything, you’ll probably buy a gun or 30, thus making money for gun manufacturers, which translates into more money for Wayne. He also said:

Law abiding, right-to-carry permit holders don’t pose a threat to anybody except the bad guys.

Veronica Dunnachie was a law abiding gun owner, and member of Open Carry Texas. She may have been, at least according to friends, one of those “mentally ill” who “roam our streets.” Nancy Lanza was a law abiding gun owner. LaPierre’s “good guy with a gun” rhetoric doesn’t work anywhere else, but it works at CPAC.

Presidential hopefuls. STDs. Comparing ISIS to protesters and the mentally ill. Sean Hannity’s x-ray vision (hide your uteri under lead undies). No one does anything better than Trump. Hate groups. CPAC 2015 has come and gone, but as always, the attendees have their souvenir “Impeach Obama” buttons, or perhaps, they sprung for a Luxury Constitution purse. Until next year, America!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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