In 1874, cartoonist Thomas Nast inspired the Republican party to choose the elephant as their official party emblem. Back then, it seemed like a good idea; after all, the elephant is strong and dignified, and again, back then, so were Republicans. Now? Now we need a new animal mascot for the GOP.
Since Nast first drew his cartoon, we have learned many things about elephants. Elephants are altruistic; they care about other creatures, even humans. They are extraordinarily intelligent, empathetic, they mourn, and they are a matriarchal society. Modern-day Republicans are not altruistic in the slightest, they do not seem to be very intelligent or empathetic, and I think you would be hard pressed to find one conservative in America who would support a matriarchal society. Women have a place, and it certainly isn’t leading anything.
What to do? Obviously, the GOP cannot go without a mascot, thus we must choose another for them. This means research. Meanest animals on Earth, most selfish animals on Earth, most selfish animals on Earth, most selfish oh sorry, least altruistic animal, you get the picture. The animal must live in a patriarchal society, not really care about much of anything outside its own interests, and eating their own young would be a plus. I spent a few hours looking at various beasties and have come up with a few I think would work.
It’s tough to find one animal with all the characteristics of the modern Republican. Using what I like to call my “creative license,” I found animals that seem to embody the core beliefs of the current GOP. It’s tough to find any animal that hates gay people, loves guns, and worships money, so take these with a grain of bath salts.
1) The Dung Beetle. The only reason the Dung Beetle is on this list is because it spends the majority of its life regurgitating shit. Other animals’ shit. It rolls around in it, builds homes out of it, eats it. It loves shit, or “poo” for the more sensitive reader.
2) The Nematode. Scientists have recently discovered “selfish DNA” in nematodes, a type of roundworm. The researchers happened upon the “selfish DNA” by accident, and boy, do we know how they feel. One minute, you’re voting for a guy because he promises jobs, and the next minute, bam, he’s a selfish nematode.
3) The Honey Badger. Oh come on, you knew he’d end up on this list, only because Honey Badgers are so insanely mean. Think about it: Honey Badgers don’t even look like badgers, they look like weasels. They have a very thick skin, and they are very, very defensive. Leave out the thick skin, and you’ve got Sarah Palin! Also, if the new GOP mascot was the Honey Badger, we could look forward to many more videos from Randall.
4) The Sea Otter. I’m sorry. I love otters, I do, but Sea Otters do one thing so awful, so cruel and disgusting that I had to include them. Sea Otters rape baby seals to death. I can’t… it’s so horrifying, so here.
5) The Tse Tse Fly. A large, bloodsucking fly, responsible for the deaths of up to a quarter of a million people every year? Carries sleeping sickness? Indigenous to Africa? The Tse Tse Fly is definitely a top contender.
6) The Hyena. Fun fact: Hyenas rarely hunt humans, but in times of WAR, they feast on corpses.
7) The Great White Shark. Again, I love sharks. The thing about Great Whites that compels me to add them to the list is their affinity for “sampling.” Great Whites, and other sharks, are not man eaters, they’re man tasters. Also buoy tasters, boat tasters, and surfboard tasters. They take a nibble (which in Great White Shark terms is a massive bite) of a person, spit it out thinking “What was THAT?” and swim on, leaving the poor human to bleed to death in the ocean.
I’m leaning towards the Dung Beetle because of the “poo” factor, or the Honey Badger, so we could play Randall’s video in a loop at CPAC.
Got a favorite choice for the new GOP mascot? Share! Oh and for the conservatives who are going to attempt to slay me with “Oh yeah, well, what about that stupid donkey” screeching, my idea for a new Democratic mascot would be any animal without testicles.