Our Next Congress Is Virtually Guaranteed to be a Little Bit Smarter

I don’t want to gloat.

Wait.

Yes I do.

I am going to gloat quite a bit today. Rep. Michele Bachmann’s days in Congress are now officially numbered. The Tea Party favorite barely held off her opponent in her last election, securing her seat by just 5,000 votes. Then this year allegations of financial impropriety surrounding her comical failure of a presidential campaign started swirling, and now it appears that a federal investigation is underway regarding those campaign fund issues. While Bachmann claims the ethics investigation has nothing to do with her decision to leave, it’s hard to figure out what else could possibly be compelling the Queen of Inanity to exit stage right.

Bachmann’s exit from Congress isn’t really all that surprising. Her star faded quite a bit after her disastrous attempt to turn her Tea Party support into a legitimate run at the presidency. The world was exposed to what up until that point only Minnesotans and those who follow politics closely had known about her — she is dumb. Let me make something clear in an attempt to avoid accusations of misogyny or sexism — Bachmann is not the only dumb Republican Tea Party affiliated member of Congress. She has a running competition with Louie Gohmert of Texas for who can say and do the dumbest things.

During the 2012 campaign, Bachmann claimed that the HPV vaccine had been linked to mental retardation; it hasn’t. She was literally the impetus behind an international incident in the Middle East last year when she accused then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton of putting someone with strong and direct ties to the Muslim Brotherhood in place as a high-level aide. She also claimed to have knowledge of Iran’s intent to hit America with a nuclear missile strike. The only problem? Iran has no nuclear weapons.

Her entire tenure in Congress was marred with idiotic statement after idiotic statement. She was a key figure in the 111th, 112th and 113th congresses that will go down as perhaps the three worst congressional bodies this country has ever seen. On the very first day of the latest session, after her party had been spanked across the board and a clear message was sent to every elected official that jobs and the economy needed to be their sole focus, Bachmann introduced legislation to repeal Obamacare for the 37th symbolic time. You know “Obamacare” aka the Affordable Care Act, the law that Michele said would “literally” kill people?

There may be a temptation over the next few days for those of us on the left to take it easy on her. People might start accusing us of acting in an uncouth and uncivil way if we gloat too much about Bachmann’s demise. I am here to say “Fuck that.” I am also here to say “Fuck that most vigorously and with many different shaped and sized implements.” Bachmann is part of a cancerous growth on our political spectrum. This growth’s purpose isn’t to make the country a better place through fiscal responsibility. That’s what old school Republicans were all about, but there hasn’t been a genuine old school Republican in Congress since John McCain’s last normal brain cell went plaid. Even he has to pander to his base from time to time to keep from being challenged in a primary. No, Bachmann personifies everything that Americans hate about their legislative branch.

I won’t be kind to her on her way out. She has done more to poison the well of political discourse than most in their tenure in Congress get a chance to do. She is clearly an attention whore, cut from the same cloth as Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin — all bark and no intellectual bite. She spouts pseudo-science every chance she gets, whether it’s about homosexuality or climate change. She was a font of ignorance and a very loud mouthpiece of the same. She didn’t even have the sense as a United States congresswoman to fact check the right-wing blog posts she used as the basis for her witch hunts and in doing so sparked international drama that could’ve ended much worse — as it was, a sitting Secretary of State’s car was assaulted, and that’s bad enough.

The point I’m making here is a simple one. When you make your reputation being as divisive as possible, and when then divisiveness is born out of utter lies or ignorance, you are not worthy of respect — and you sure as hell are not worthy of any office you hold. I’m not someone who expects perfection out of my elected officials. We are all human, and we are all therefore capable of making all kinds of mistakes. That said, it takes a special brand of asshole to willfully make those kinds of mistakes day in and day out, and it takes an even more special brand of dumb asshole to actually believe them. Michele Bachmann is that special brand of asshole., and now thankfully the countdown to her exit has started.

 One down, way too many to go.

James Schlarmann

James is in his thirties and gets really passionately angry about politics. Sometimes that anger foments into diatribes, and sometimes those diatribes are comical. Other times, they are not. James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

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  • slow clap started…. awesome article seriously… as a Minnesotan this is a very happy day!… fingers crossed she has no further political aspirations and will just fade away into almost certain obscurity.

    • katherine norton malek

      Who voted her in anyway? I’ve met Minnesotans – they didn’t seem stupid. I think it’s a great State – except for MB. Serious question. Not sarcasm. How the hell has she gotten so far in MN. It’s a question I’ve pondered. She wouldn’t have been elected to dog catcher in NY. What’s the deal?

      • Emily

        Her district has a lot of “richie rich” types – and a lot of old people who vote based only on one issue (abortion). All the Minnesotans I know (I’m from there originally) think she is a ridiculous human being!

  • Jim Olson

    Don’t hold back. Tell us how you really feel.

  • Generally agree

    I agree with the message of the article and the enthusiasm, but, as part of the “over 50” crowd, am turned off by the “f” word. I may be older, but I think journalists/writers should be able to convey their thoughts and even their passion without resorting to it. Take the advise as just a thought. Thanks!

    • Jo Hargis

      I’m nearly 60 and I think the F word really, really fits sometimes, and this author has used it judiciously and with the perfect touch of panache. So clearly ‘Generally agree’ doesn’t speak for the entire Over 50 gang. Besides, it’s not like the article is sprinkled with the F word liberally throughout, which might be an overuse. Clearly, the article is well written by someone with a great mastery of language.

      That said, yeehaw! Yeah! This was a great article, telling it **exactly** like it is. Bachmann and her like cronies are indeed a cancer on society and on politics and the author has masterfully demonstrated precisely why she deserves no sympathy.

      Did you all feel the earth shake a bit last night? That was me, doing the victory stomp in my living room! Now, Gomer … er, Gohmert next!

    • motherfuckr

      Fuck you!

  • michael verhoef

    I’m still inclined to think her exit is to do with gays now allowed being to marry in her state. She’s most likely worried that Marcus is going to divorce her and marry his gay lover.

    • nice

      • Dizcuzted

        I heard about it on the Internet. It could be true.

  • JeremyCKP

    I love this article. I don’t think she should be treated with respect on her way out as she has done nothing to deserve respect. The only problem I have with this article is the HPV vaccination comment. While it is true that HPV vaccinations are not linked to mental retardation and Bachmann should have read her information a lot better than she did, they are linked to severe illnesses and adverse affects. To me, the phrasing made it seem like Bachmann was just trying to attack sex health in teens (ok. yes. she probably was, but that is not the point I’m trying to make). The discourse of public health in relation to HPV vaccination sometimes dismisses the serious negative health implications of vaccinations and the political economies that drive the industry.

    I digress, let us all cheers and hope that congress shall become less useless, tenfold!

    • JeremyCKP

      Also, I did not mean to group mental retardation with severe illnesses and adverse affects. I’m sounding like Bachmann!!

    • wygit

      I just checked the CDC site for the Guillain–Barré info:
      “In 2011, VSD active surveillance (called Rapid Cycle Analysis) looked at specific adverse events following more than 600,000 doses of Gardasil, such as Guillain–Barré Syndrome (GBS), stroke, VTE, appendicitis, seizures, syncope, allergic reactions, and anaphylaxis. No statistically significant increased risk for any of these adverse events was detected after vaccination.”

  • Brilliant. She worked very hard to earn this.