Pastor Pillow Best-of: Floating Fundies, Papal Exhortations, Plus Nuts, Nuts & More Nuts

10177942_10154021412830422_8443464056839578916_n-2Deacon Duvet here!

Please turn in your hymnals to No. 237.

Sorry, Pastor Pillow is on vacation this week.  He said something about attending a Premillennial Dispensationalism seminar at a Club Med in Ixtapa.  Following New Testament mandate, all he took with him was the thong on his cheeks.  Hmm.

Anyway, we thought we’d throw a best-of Pastor Pillow at you.

Enjoy!  (And don’t forget:  Easter is not just about Peeps!)

[August 18, 2013—Still Waiting for a Follow-Up on the Gastonguays!]  Floating Fundies Forget to Walk on Water During Squall, via The Guardian“Christian Family Home after Ill-Fated Pacific Voyage to Escape U.S. Tyranny”

We don’t often pull stories from secular news sites for this column, but this salty tale is for the ages.  Funny how the Evangelical media seems to be ignoring this one.

If you’re wondering why the Gastonguays, a fundamentalist family from Arizona which includes a husband and wife, their two young children (one an infant), as well as Grandpa Gastonguay, risked all to leave the tiny confines of the United States for the utopic, “undeveloped” nation of Kiribati, vast in its 800 square kilometers, you will probably find the answer in the Kiribati Penal Code.  It appears Kiribatians have banned anal intercourse from all 32 of its Pacific assholes—I mean atolls.  From what I can tell, abortion is illegal in Kiribati as well.

The Gastonguays did their research and determined this island republic was the perfect place to house a disgruntled, ‘Mosquito Coast’ family of five.  I don’t suppose there’s room for another 50 million would-be Pilgrims in the Kiribati capital of South Tarawa?  Yet don’t raise your hopes too high for a Christian Coalition mass exodus to the Pacific.  Apparently the false prophets of global warming might not be so false, as the Kiribatian Government is bracing to become the world’s first underwater nation since Atlantis.

In the end, I’m just confused why Mr. Gastonguay didn’t simply generate a font of faith to calm the storm.  No, instead his Savior abandoned his wife and children to the unthinkable:  a $10,000 loan from that whore of Babylon, the U.S. State Department, to fly home.

Thank our “state-controlled” God that someone’s taxes were available to bail them out!  (I’m telling you, brothers and sisters, sometimes these articles just write themselves.)

[November 30, 2013]  A Papal Exhortation, via The Big Guy Himself: “Evangelii Gaudium of the Holy Father Francis, to the Bishops, Clergy, Consecrated Persons and the Lay Faithful, on the Proclamation of the Gospel in Today’s World”

We might not have female Roman Catholic priests anytime soon, but it is encouraging to note that someone at the Vatican owns a copy of Adobe Acrobat. Visit the above link and download a PDF copy of Evangelii Gaudium.

The 223-page document might initially intimidate readers, but you’ll be relieved to learn that the manuscript has been published in something approximating 40-point font. Sadly, there are no Scratch ’n Sniff images. (Who wants to know what a prayer to the Virgin Mother smells like, anyway.) Seriously, though, the tract reads amazingly quickly.

I’m pretty much going to let Pope Francis speak for himself here. He wrote Evangelii Gaudium, in part, so that you could know him more fully than a three-minute news segment can do justice.

My personal favorite quote is, I would argue, one of the keys to understanding the document:

“I can say that the most beautiful and natural expressions of joy which I have seen in my life were in poor people who had little to hold on to.”

From my many trips to the island nation of Haiti, the remarkable joy I have witnessed of those in abject poverty has remarkably informed my personal philosophy of economics. I believe Pope Francis is telling us through his public exhortation that a society with “possession” and “property” at its core is spiritually vacuous and lifeless.

Then again, he’s really just reminding us. Jesus told us this fact first.

[August 25, 2013—Still Just as Relevant!]  Companies Aren’t Just People, They Have Souls, Too, via National Religious Broadcasters:  “The New Wall and Old Liberties”

Craig Parshall, Senior Vice President & General Counsel of the National Religious Broadcasters, has penned the exemplar essay of asinine Evangelical corporatism that should be emblazoned upon the minds of all progressive voters heading into the 2014 and 2016 election cycles.

After reading this article, could one in any way doubt that the Radical Right agenda in the next two years is to instill conservative voters with the unwarranted fear that the federal government is determined to obliterate the freedom of religion?

Parshall begins and ends with appeals to the Founding Fathers—that old hack Christian Coalition trick meant to suggest the Ben Franklin & Co. were Bible-thumping capitalists.  (Clearly Parshall has never read The Jefferson Bible.)  In the middle of his article, Parshall pushes the idiotic notion that there exists such a thing as a “Christian” business:  “the variety of national Christian-based business that overtly apply biblical business practices….”

As singer Steve Taylor once suggested, one cannot draw Christian milk from a Christian cow.  Neither is there such a thing as a Christian company.  Sorry:  bricks, mortar and HVAC units are decidedly mortal.

Parshall again:  “If the Third Circuit ruling holds sway, Christian businesses everywhere will soon have to choose between Bible-informed conscience and government compliance.”

If “Christ-like” businesses really cared about “Bible-informed conscience,” perhaps they might consider protesting the fact that one-fifth of the U.S. federal budget is devoted to the antichrist-like military industrial complex.  But you and I both know that this fundie policy war is more about bucking health care for the common man than anything else.

[November 17, 2013—For Those Who Can’t Get Enough of Noah]  Jesus Accidentally Lets Fly Ultimate Spoiler for Upcoming Noah Disaster Epic, according to Institute for Creation Research“Jesus and the Flood”

Leave it to Jesus to spoil the plot of the upcoming Russell Crowe biblical disaster epic, Noah.

Or as Henry Morris, Ph.D., of the Institute of Creation Research puts it:

“The Lord Jesus Christ not only believed in the special, recent creation of all things by God (note Mark 10:6-8), but also in the worldwide Flood of Noah’s day, including the special preservation of life on the Ark. The Flood in which He believed was obviously not a ‘local flood,’ for He compared it to the worldwide future impact of His Second Coming.”

I really only have five words in reply:  Sedimentary Rock, Tons of It.

For what it’s worth, there’s a guy on the InterWeb Ether who goes by “anglagard” who has created a rather wonderful pro-Evolution list that ought to shame just about anyone who believes in a literal Noah & the Arky-Arky Narrative.

My personal favorite is his question (No. 55) as to how Noah kept an abundance of eucalyptus leaves for koala bears on his boat.

In case you weren’t aware, the Institute for Creation Research is a full-fledged member of the National Religious Broadcasters.

[August 4, 2013]  This Just In! God Remains Pissed Off, So Says Baptist Press. “God’s Wrath Taboo Subject for PCUSA Hymnal”

You think East Coast-West Coast rap is a bloodbath?  Let’s sneak a peek at the vagaries of the Christian hymnal underworld!

The Presbyterian Church recently determined that the lyrics to the Top 20 modern Christian worship classic “In Christ Alone” are “too controversial.”

The line in question: “Till on that cross as Jesus died / The wrath of God was satisfied.”

Pro-propitiation songwriters Keith Getty and Stuart Townend nixed the Presbyterian Church’s Committee on Congregational Song’s request to soften the tone a bit to “The love of God was magnified.”

Russell D. Moore, president of the Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, offered bling-paved heavenly street cred in support of the two gangsta hymnstas: “As an evangelical, I would argue that it’s necessary to sing about the wrath of God.”

Oy veh.

Needless to say, no one in the Presbyterian Church is likely to support my suggested substitute for the stanza in question:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,
Sick and tired of conservative lies,
For the marital affairs of Evangelical politicians,
And serving Mammon by abusing The Constitution.

[December 7, 2013]  Porn Be Damned, but Stuff Your Face with Nuts, via CBN News: Harvard Research: Eat Nuts, Live Longer”

Usually we like to end on a positive note, and what could be more uplifting than stuffing your face full of nuts?

Christians and pagans alike agree.  Want to live longer?  Nuts, nuts, then more nuts.

And who should know better than Pat Robertson’s news rag?

Please turn in your hymnals to No. 1940.

And don’t forget!  The November 2014 Election is only this many days away.  Get in line to vote!

And for a cherry on the sundae:  Let’s not forget the most important verse in Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land”:

Was a high wall there that tried to stop me
A sign was painted said: Private Property,
But on the back side it didn’t say nothing —
This land was made for you and me.

Arik Bjorn

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!


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