Remember “Celebrity Deathmatch” on MTV? For those of you under the age of say, thirty, MTV used to show music videos, interspersed with animated shows, one of which was “Celebrity Deathmatch.” The premise was simple: put two Claymation famous people in a cage, and have them fight each other to the death, or whoever lost the most blood/limbs/internal organs. It was hysterically funny, primarily because the animators went completely overboard with not just the “action,” but with the dialogue. The fights pitted celebrities with something in common against each other, like Liam Gallagher versus his brother, Noel Gallagher (Google the band “Oasis”), or Mick Jagger versus Steven Tyler.
What if we could bring it all back, updated to 2014? Instead of Claymation, use actual people, and instead of your garden-variety celebrity, narrow down the criteria? We would have to remove the violence, because you can’t really rip someone’s arm off and use it to impale them. Okay, you CAN, but we’d never get that past network censors. Well, what would we have our new contestants do? It would have to attract an audience, keep them at least interested, if not enthralled, for about half an hour, and also grab the attention of major corporate sponsors. The solution came to me this morning as I was glaring at a clock that read 3:something AM: rhetoric.
Think of the possibilities. There are literally hundreds of people in this country who do nothing but spew rhetoric. They Tweet, they Facebook, they appear on cable news shows, heck they host their own cable news shows, and all they do is rhetoric (it’s a verb now). Now I know we have conservative readers, so let me reassure you-I had an idea for Liberal Rhetoric Celebrity Deathmatch, but it fizzled when I realized pitting Bill Maher against Michael Moore would result in an event that might last longer than a cricket match, so I’ll get back to you on this.
Okay, so we have the general theme, now we need sponsors. Obviously they would need to share the same political beliefs as the “celebrities,” and be outspoken about those beliefs. Hidden hypocrisy is always a plus, so Hobby Lobby is our first choice. Fighting against the contraception mandate in the ACA while providing a 401(k) that invests in companies that make contraceptives? WINNING! Plus, they could help hook us up with Chinese sweat shops that make flair. Koch Industries is a no-brainer, maybe Walmart, whatever Donald Trump is selling at the moment (mattresses, ties made in China. Hey, maybe he could help with the sweat shops, too!), and of course, Goldline.
Securing a venue will be a piece of cake. Someone call Ted Nugent and see if we can use his canned hunt property up there in Michigan. He’ll have to clean it up a bit-we can’t have our famous rhetorickers stepping in poo or viscera. Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh will be the first commentators, both decked out in circa 1970’s baby blue leisure suits, drenched in Aqua Velva, baby. You can see it, can’t you? Brings a tear to your eye. That might be the Aqua Velva.
The last, but most important part of “Right Wing Rhetoric Celebrity Deathmatch” is the celebrities. This took a while. Our first pairing has to be perfect. Slightly to seriously unstable, able to lie with ease, a harsh, almost screeching quality to their voice, and they must have their own following. Preferably a book or two, ghost-written, with a lot of narcissism. DUH, Sarah Palin. She’s aesthetically pleasing (she’s purty), she lies like a rug, she has no concept of reality, she’s not very smart, and she’s an “author” (the way I am a NASCAR driver). One down, one to go.
Think, dammit, think. It has to be another woman, it can’t be someone saner than Palin, because where would the fun be in that? Plus it has to be someone who is just rhetoricking all over the place. Maybe someone who…sings. And plays the ukulele. And used to be sort of funny, but now is sad, and insane, and sort of scary. AHA! Victoria Jackson. Her website’s first headline is “I Found ‘Agenda 21’ in Lynchburg, Virginia!,” which allegedly happened while she was at a Starbucks. She’s also got something on there defending Jerry Falwell, a picture of White Jesus, and a post on Ben Carson’s “Obamacare is Slavery” rant.
This would be completely unscripted; however Sarah “Grifter” Palin and Victoria “Agenda 21” Jackson couldn’t just stand in the cage for half an hour, screaming “BENGHAZIABORTIONCHEMTRAILSSOCIALISMNAZIS” at each other. Yes, some on the fringe might enjoy that, but we’re going for a larger audience. And that audience will have cue cards. At the beginning of the Deathmatch, Palin and Jackson will choose from one of the cue cards, being waved about in the air by an audience member. They will each have five minutes to spew as much rhetoric as possible, screaming over each other, and spitting. A timer (or a mild electric shock through the floor) will indicate time, and another set of cue cards will appear. All the questions will be composed by Glenn Greenwald, because what the hell-he’s not doing anything.
I really think this could work. The final perfectionism will be the opening credits being read in the voice of the minister from “The Princess Bride:” Wight Wing Whetowic Celebwity Deathmatch. You’re saying it like that right now, aren’t you?