So I Wondered to Myself, What Might “Republican Jesus” Say at a Conservative Rally?

jesus-republicanOften in this country, conservatives mix their politics with their religion.  In fact, I’ve said in doing so they’ve actually created something that’s not a political party and it’s not Christianity.  I call it “Republicanity.”

They seem to believe that going to church, believing in God and saying you worship Jesus Christ suddenly makes you a Christian.

But to be a Christian means you believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God, and logic would then dictate you would attempt to live your life according to his teachings.

However, looking at the policies these people support and the political stances they take, “Republican Jesus” seems to be a character from the Bible for which I am not familiar.

The Jesus I’ve learned about throughout my life was a man who stood against greed.  He was someone who helped the helpless, cared for the sick and needy and didn’t judge others.  He taught compassion, forgiveness, love, hope, giving and kindness.  He spoke out against those who manipulate God for their own selfish purposes and never once spoke about abortion or homosexuality.

So, I started to wonder, what’s “Republican Jesus” like?  What would he say at one of their conservative rallies?

Being that the version of Jesus Christ I’ve read and learned about throughout my lifetime as a Christian doesn’t reflect Republican ideology, I can only conclude Republicans have created their own form of “Republican Jesus.”

And in examining Republican ideology, I’ve decided to give my take on what “Republican Jesus” might say if he spoke at some kind of conservative rally.

The crowd would be gathered, in unbelievable anticipation awaiting “Republican Jesus” and his message.  There’s random chatter heard throughout the crowd when suddenly the lights dim and the crowd knows his appearance is imminent.

Suddenly someone walks from the right of the stage.  A caucasian man dressed in a suit and tie, with a neatly trimmed beard.  He confidently walks towards the microphone and stands there for a moment, allowing those in attendance to gaze upon him.

The crowd is mostly silent, in awe of who they see.

Suddenly he begins to speak:

My fellow Americans, I thank you for coming today.  I am delighted to see so many patriots show up to hear my message of freedom and liberty.

So many patriots who know this country is a Christian nation.  I know you will carry my words beyond these walls and use them against the freedom-hating, anti-Christian liberal heathens.

I praise all you great Americans who know that while we must help each other, we must only help those who would first help themselves.  We must only provide for those who we feel are worthy and judge those we feel are not.

Most of those who are poor in this country are that way because of their own lazy, sinful lifestyle.  We owe it to them to judge them harshly for their choices in life and to say loudly and proudly, “You need to take care of yourself, it is not our responsibility!”  Only then will they finally take responsibly for themselves.

We must stand against those who would defile the sanctity of marriage.  I encourage all of you now to take a moment to pray that those who’ve chosen to live a sinful life of homosexuality might one day be embraced by God, instead of sent to an eternal suffering in the pits of hell.  Only prayer can help these people change.

As Americans we must pray for help, but we must also know the best form of protection is an assault rifle.  Peace, while honorable, is often unattainable when confronted with true evil.  We must only look to ourselves and realize the best choice we can make for safety lies with gun ownership.  For those who say guns are the problem, I say those people are the problem.  I’ve never seen an innocent gun suddenly murder anyone, but I have seen an evil person use an innocent gun to do that very act.  And for those who say, “Well without guns these evil people wouldn’t have the tools to commit their heinous acts”—yes they would.  A spoon is every bit as dangerous as a gun in the wrong hands.

It’s those who wish to have this country turn into a fascist dictatorship, where citizens are unable to defend themselves because their guns have been taken from them.  Those would rather criminals be the only ones armed—they’re the ones pushing for these radical gun regulations like universal background checks.

And those who believe humans cause climate change, what fools.  My father, God, controls the weather and uses it as a tool to punish those who would go against His word.  No, I will not take questions as to why then are so many great American conservative states stricken by such horrific weather while so many non-Christian nations enjoy great weather.  How dare anyone question me.

To those who support the horrific act of abortion, judgement will come for you and your choices.  While it is not society’s responsibility to help you take care of your child if it were to go hungry after it was born, it is society’s responsibility to see that you have that baby.  Your health and the circumstances which brought you to the pregnancy are of no concern—once you’re pregnant, the baby is the only thing that matters as it is a gift from God.

While some God-hating individuals might say the First Amendment gives freedom of, or from religion, they’re obviously doing Satan’s work.  The First Amendment gives Americans the freedom to pick which denomination of Christianity they want to practice.  It does no give anyone the right to be non-religious and it sure doesn’t give people the right to practice godless faiths like Islam.

This country was not founded by Muslims nor will we allow this great freedom loving nation to be taken over by Sharia law!

It was founded by Christians who believed in freedom and liberty for all.  Except women, Native Americans and blacks—God obviously did not make them equal.

Human rights are only given to us by Christian rights!  We must fear all those who would threaten our rights as Christian Americans and rise up against them, with hostility and aggression if need be, to let them know that in this country—God rules!

I say to you now, greed shouldn’t be seen negatively.  It just shows how hard someone has worked.  We must value material possessions over good deeds.  We must work only for ourselves, because giving too much leads to people relying on our charity.

We can not let gays, filthy liberals, Muslims, godless women and others who seek to destroy this nation perpetuate this belief that taking care of the poor, sick and needy is important.  These actions are not important, they make us weak!  That money could go to build bigger bombs and missiles for our underfunded military.

Health care is not a right and education is just the liberal way to take you away from God.  Science is especially evil as it is a tool used by the evil liberal to justify why they are godless.

We proud, free Christian Americans, must take this country back from those who would weaken it with their talk of equality, acceptance, love and compassion.  These are words of the devil!  These are words that weaken us!  These are words that will take this great nation to peril!

Let’s rise and take our country back from these godless, freedom hating liberals!

At that moment he walks away from the microphone and begins to stand, arms lifted above his head, to gaze at the loud applause he’s given as he finished his speech.

Those in attendance are moved to loud cheers, some to tears, and most are standing in awe of what they just heard.

Loud chants of “Jesus! Jesus!” are heard while others shout “Amen! Thank you Jesus!”

After a few minutes, he walks off stage.

Is this a little over the top of what I feel “Republican Jesus” would say?  Honestly, not really.  I’ve been to a couple of tea party rallies.  I’ve heard the racism, the hate, the fear, the paranoia of these so-called “Christians.”

So if this offends some, I don’t know what to tell you.

Cognitive dissonance is a powerful condition I guess.

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.


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