Statement on UCSB Tragedy from Wayne LaPierre

lapierreForward Progressives has obtained a draft of Wayne LaPierre’s statement regarding the UCSB mass murders of last Friday. Please note: this is a draft; we do not have the final document. Also please note: this is satire. Sort of.

For Immediate Release.

Dateline: Northern Virginia

My fellow God and Gun Loving Americans,

It is with a heavy heart, and a loaded Glock, that I write this to you today. Our nation has once again seen what can happen when unarmed citizens are attacked. Late last week, an obviously disturbed and mentally ill young man killed six people, and wounded many others. He used a knife to kill his first three victims, a rather small and pretty handgun (I’M JUST SAYING) to kill three more, and a car to injure others. According to police, he then took his own life.

Where are the cries for bans on knives that are safely used every day to cut things like cheese? Bans on luxury vehicles that soccer moms all over America use to transport their brood? NOWHERE. The liberal “media” is focused solely on the tiny number of victims killed by a handgun, a handgun exactly like the one I am petting right now. Knives kill, cars kill. Guns do not kill, only people kill. Wait, that won’t…note: rewrite.

Americans must be armed at all times. If only one good guy with a gun had been present last week, if only one of his roommates had been armed with an AR-15, or a Gatling gun, or a surface to air missile, this tragedy would have avoided. Eric Rodgers ELLIOT RODGER would have stopped before he was able to harm so many.

Remember, my fellow armed Americans, this occurred in California, a state with some of the “toughest” anti-gun laws in the country. Obviously, the poor, deluded, mentally ill young man who hurt so many was a bad guy good guy shit…

Laws don’t work. We need more guns, not less guns, every single person in this country should be able to own as much guns as they want. These “massacres” this wasn’t a massacre, a massacre is when hundreds of people are killed by someone like Hitler or Obama. This was a crazy little asshole, probably HIRED by Mother Jones, to scare people into thinking guns are bad. How the hell are guns bad? He STABBED people to death, and the only reason he shot anyone was because pretty girls wouldn’t date him. Note: Rewrite last paragraph starting with “These massacres” for public statement, email it prior to edit to members.

Jesus, I know how that feels. I’m short, ugly, my hair looks weird all the time, and all my suits are blue. You know what? I get it. You see all these gorgeous women, with their asshole boyfriends, and something inside you snaps. I’m lucky, my wife Susan is hot. I mean she’s gorgeous. People make fun of me because she’s so pretty, but holy shit, have you seen Rush Limbaugh’s wife? He looks like a wild boar, and she looks like a porn star. Yeah, THAT’S fair. Note: remove previous paragraph.

The NRA stands behind the shooter VICTIMS and their families, except for that Martinez guy, I mean what the fuck? He blames the NRA for this? Is he blaming the store where the knives were bought, or the car? NOPE. Note: rework to sound more sympathetic. While we at the NRA understand their pain, we are not responsible for this shocking tragedy. The NRA is an organization that supports sportsmen and women, and we offer comprehensive training to firearms owners. We also own more politicians than the Koch brothers. Note: remove last sentence per: email from David Koch, rework.

In this dark time, the NRA extends our condolences to the city of wherever this happened SANTA BARBARA, and we assure our millions of members (especially Open Carry Texas) that the NRA will not stop until every American citizen is armed to the teeth. The next time one of these bad guys appears, the NRA will be there to take him out. Okay, not me, because I can’t shoot for shit. Maybe John Lott. What’s the deal with his eyebrows, anyway?

God bless America, God bless guns.

Wayne LaPierre

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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