Why I Really, Really Hope Michele Bachmann Runs in 2016

For a little while, it looked like perhaps Michele Bachmann had spoken to Jesus (also known as the voices in her head) and was ready to head off on a mission trip with Marcus and his luggage boy. Fortunately for political writers and comedians everywhere, Michele dropped a desperate plea for attention juicy hint earlier […]

The Bachmann Diaries: What I’ll Do When I Retire

Dear Diary; Oh my gosh, I had the best time on “Home and Family” last Monday! The whole show was about me, which makes sense, because they were doing crafts for a TEA PARTY! We had so much fun. A very nice black man taught us how to make a centerpiece out of old plates […]

The Bachmann Diaries: We Love Ralph Hall!

Dear Diary, I am endorsing Ralph Hall for Congress in the great state of Texas. Marcus thinks Ralph is too old, but I think he’s adorable. Yes, he’s around 90 or something, but our old people can teach us a lot about the world. Diary, he sold cigarettes to Bonnie and Clyde! They were liberal […]

5 People Conservatives Need To Stop Paying Attention To

In my most recent article “5 People Liberals Need To Stop Paying Attention To,” I listed 5 people who liberals really should stop being distracted by and pay attention to the real issues at hand. To be honest with you, I could have just added a few more media personalities, called it “10 People EVERYONE […]

The Bachmann Diaries: The Protective Hand of God is Moving to Canada

Dear Diary, You cannot imagine how stressful the past few weeks have been. Between all my television and radio appearances, thinking about running for “President” (Queen of Godlandia), and Marcus’s awful breakdown over growing a mustache, I haven’t slept a wink. Plus I think the protective Hand of God is moving to Canada. For 200 […]

The Bachmann Diaries: Praying Away Obamacare

Dear Diary, Happy belated Valentine’s Day! We had such a lovely evening, filled with prayer, lutefisk, and Scrabble. Marcus won, darn him, but he had all the good letters. He got me such a gorgeous flower arrangement, and the nicest card. I got him a gift card for Amazon.com so he can buy Linda Harvey’s […]

The Bachmann Diaries: Immigrants From Belarus Hate The Constitution!

Dear Diary, First, it wasn’t Putin’s dog, thank Holy God. We think it was a stray that came to Moscow to escape the dog catchers in Sochi. Or a bear. Marcus went to the zoo late one afternoon, and when he came back, he said he’d seen a Russian bear. He was so excited! I […]

The Bachmann Diaries: I Debated Bernie Sanders And May Have Killed A Dog, Again

Dear Diary, On Monday, I appeared on CNN with socialist “senator,” Bernie Sanders. He yelled at me a lot, interrupted me constantly, and kept asking about chains. I don’t own any chains. We have snow tires, but I’m sure Vermont just hands chains out because it’s a totally socialist state. I was very tired, so […]

The Bachmann Diaries: We’re going to Sochi!

Dear Diary, Marcus surprised me Saturday morning with tickets to the Olympics! We’re going to Sochi! Praise Holy God, I am so excited. Marcus, bless his heart, is super understanding about my little crush on Vladimir Putin. Diary, Vlad is so manly and cute. I saw a photo of him without a shirt on, riding […]

The Bachmann Diaries: Christmas Bingo!

Dear Diary, I refuse to let the atheists win. Christmas is the most important holiday of the year, except for Veteran’s Day, but Veteran’s Day is only good because Republicans love veterans more than anyone else does. Liberals hate veterans, they hate Christmas and they hate America. I LOVE America, which is why I love […]