Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow, Chocolate Jesus and the S’mores-a-Mosque Bonfire Potluck

To begin, a public service announcement. Citizens of our Little Blue Planet: For Christ’s sake— No, for Christ, Mohammed, Ganesh, Jehovah, Buddha, Zarathustra, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Richard Dawkins’ sake—stop killing in the name of religion! And, actually, just stop killing altogether. (That means you, drone pilots.) That is all. … Hi, I’m Pastor […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow on the Shelf, the Cross Hugs the Crescent

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow! I’m CPO of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries. What’s CPO? Oh, that’s Chief Pastoral Officer. Anyway, I’m so glad you could make it today. Thank goodness you brought the lighter fluid. I was going to have to rummage through the kitchen pantry for a bag of briquettes. And nothing quite ruins an […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow, Katy Perry & the Super Bowl Pre-Game Prayer Pomade Extravaganza

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow! Sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you—oh my, you’re not wearing any clothes. Nor are you. The whole lot of you, in fact. Goodness, that’s a load of tattoos. I can’t tell, that concentration of ink on your left thigh, is that Tamil or a pod of sperm whales practicing Krav […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prepares His State of the Communion Address

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow. Sorry for the mess. Come on in. Watch out for those empty bottles. I swear I started with Cold Duck—how I ended up with all these bottles of Old Crow I have no idea. Mrs. Pillow is away for the weekend [hiccup!] at a Faith & Freedom Coalition conference planning meeting—she’s […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Dials “J” for Jihad

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow. We greatly appreciate that you’ve reached out to the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Hotline. Normally we charge 99 cents per minute to provide you with direct, Scripture-based, Dove-to-Supplicant discernment and wisdom. However, today you have blessedly reached the philadelphic phone of yours truly, CPO of this multi-billion-dollar Prosperity Gospel ministry. And […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: It TORTURES Pastor Pillow, It Really Does

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow! I know you can’t see me behind the interrogation window—heck, how could you see me at all with that burlap bag over your head? Ha-ha! Just a little Enhanced Interrogation Technique humor there, no offense. Just nod your burlap bag if you can hear me. I never can tell if the […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Converts the Comets

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow. Oh, it’s you! Thank God you made it! Literally. Praise to Him who provides us Toyota Land Cruisers! Do you have to pee? Are you sure? It’s going to be your final void in 9.78 m/s² gravity, so I might take advantage of that, if I were you. Good call. Here, […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Election Day Special, Jesus Stands at the Door with a Glock

Knock-knock! Good Lord, what is it now? I do not keep office hours on Sunday mornings—especially the Sunday morning before an Election Day! I’ve got a gaggle of judicial candidates, each begging me to read the morning announcements. Parents are complaining that the new elephant slide in the Noah’s Ark nursery sends the wrong message […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Rocks the Vote, Plus Fundie Grave Sucking

Ding-Dong! Hey, I’m Pastor Pillow! Pat, Benny, Joel, Perry, good to see you. Come on in. What’s that, Rick? Doh! Sorry, so sorry! I completely forgot this is a secret cabal. No real names, everyone. So, um, I’m Pastor “Pulvino.” Pussy, Nebuchadnezzar, Pearls, Jar-Jar, good to see you. Everyone kick off your patent white slips […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Buys Some Lube, the Bible Belt Girds Its Loins

Hey, I’m Pastor Pillow! Thanks for letting me skip to the front of the line! I’m in a hurry. I have to pick up pizza for 10,000 hungry, quarantined parishioners right after I get out of here. You see, Cubic Zirconium Cathedral is in lockdown. I just delivered my Sunday morning sermon on the horrors […]