Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Keeps the Syrians Away from Baby Jesus

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! First, bless you for your interest in auditioning for this season’s Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Live Nativity, which, as ever, features live camels and livestock—donkeys, sheep, goats, even a family of wandering hyrax—plus a laid-off construction worker and teen mother, and of course our original Frederick Hart acrylic manger.  (Not to […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow on the Hunt, Satan the Lion on the Prowl

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Here, hold these binoculars for me while I reload my semi-automatic Barret M82A1. I still can’t believe those customs officials believed it was a back scratcher. Or maybe that was the $10,000 bribe talking. So glad you could be one of the lucky few who gets to partake in the Cubic […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Dials “J” for Jihad

Hi, I’m Pastor Pillow. We greatly appreciate that you’ve reached out to the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Hotline. Normally we charge 99 cents per minute to provide you with direct, Scripture-based, Dove-to-Supplicant discernment and wisdom. However, today you have blessedly reached the philadelphic phone of yours truly, CPO of this multi-billion-dollar Prosperity Gospel ministry. And […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Parts the Sea of Protesters

Dontae, can you roll down my window? I still can’t figure out all these darn buttons back here. And did you Armor All the seats again? Makes the leather too slick; I’m flopping around like a fish in St. Peter’s net. Hey you with the cardboard sign. Nice to meet you, I’m Pastor Pillow. I’m […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Pulls His Pork and Rassles Swine at the Great BBQ Exorcism

So glad you could make it to the Cubic Zirconia Cathedral Ministries Swinery!  It’s not every Sunday we hold a BBQ Swine Roundup, Rassle & Exorcism. I’m Pastor Pillow, of course. I’d shake your hand, save for all this mud. Oh, what the heck, you’ll be covered in it soon enough. Say, did you bring […]

Would Jesus Write for “Christianity Today” While Giving Lap Dances?

Brace yourselves, those of an Evangelical disposition. I am a graduate of Wheaton College, and I have been to a strip club. And it wasn’t even because I read Christianity Today’s article “Would Jesus Hang Out in a Strip Club?” and was overcome with spiritual delusions of grandeur about extending the Gospel, as it were, […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Biblical Breast Implants, Lap Dance Jesus, and Pope Francis’ New 10 Commandments

So glad you could make it! I’m Pastor Pillow, of course. And these other fine men and women are the Cubic Zirconia Cathedral Ministries Marketing Team. As you may be aware, we’ve been losing parishioners left and right to that upstart “progressive faith community” down the street, Glory Holy Ministries. Seems like people are naturally […]

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Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Leo Tolstoy & the R-Rated Wild, Wild West

Pastor Pillow here! Our morning service opens with a Kierkegaardean Either/Or “Choose Your Own Adventure” worship program. Either embrace the light and open your hymnals to No. 829. Or raise your right arm stiffly and bellow the “Horst Wessel” at No. 109. Yeah, the former song’s a bit schlocky, and might even require that you […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: God Calls Down to Bullpen for Worldwide Flood

Once upon a time, Christians were indeed persecuted for their beliefs. While scholars now claim that there has been a great bit of mythmaking with respect to Saturday afternoon Coliseum matinees of Christians being thrown to the lions, no one doubts that there was a time in the Roman Empire when the likes of Galerius […]