Forget Christmas, Republicans Have Taken Christ Out of Christianity

As a Christian who tries to live my life according to actual Christian values, I’ve taken great offense to the faux “conservative Christians,” especially the so-called “evangelicals,” who’ve spent the last few decades shamefully twisting and distorting my faith to push their hate, racism, bigotry, and ignorance. Let me just say this, to everyone reading […]

Stop Whining That We Need to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ When You Have No Idea What It Means

Every year around this time, Fox News and the Republican Party really start to push their fictional “War on Christmas.” It’s simply another way these clowns try to manipulate gullible rubes into believing that “Democrats are attacking your values.” Spoiler Alert: There is no war on Christmas — there never has been. While Christians view […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prepares a Mass Shooting Prayer

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Thank you for responding to the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries parishioner focus group robo-call. In fact, just for coming down to the megachurch grounds today, I’m prepared to discount this month’s tithe percentage for you and your family from 10% to 9.975%. And with every significant contribution you make today to […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Hands Out Tricks

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Welcome to the confectionary-free confines of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries on this great and terrible day that worshipers of Satan, that False Light & Fallen One, that Lascivious Leader of Political Progressives, call Halloween! Here, purchase one of our Fall (But Not as Far as Adam!) Creationism Celebration and Creative Witnessing […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prays Pompously at the Fifty-Yard Line

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! So glad you could join us at the 50-yard line after tonight’s game. You strike me as a bit too lean and butterfingers to be a wide out; I’m guessing you’re a cornerback? Aha! Pastor Pillow knows his pigskin. After all, I was a swarthy tight end in the day. Don’t […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Delivers King James Version Bibles to Flood-Ravaged South Carolina

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! I’m sorry, didn’t catch your name. Hard to understand what you’re saying with that snorkel in your mouth. Then again, you might be a-prophesyin’ in the tongues of angels. Try it again. Pblpblpblpblpblpblpbl. Nope. Sorry. Well, if you don’t look like a waterlogged lost sheep standing in line at this Satanic, […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Whips Huckabee and The Donald Into Biblical Shape

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! First, I want to thank each and every one of you Republican Presidential Candidates for coming here today. Second, I suppose we should thank Brother Bear for allowing us to use his ministerial facilities for this special training session. We didn’t think it would be a good idea to attract too […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Visits Kim Davis in the Clink

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! My, that cell door makes an awful sound when it closes.  So definitive in its restriction of freedom. Not to worry:  though you rot away on a steady diet of Soylent Green and mop bucket water, you find yourself at the end of a centuries-long line of glorious martyrs whom the […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Endorses Bernie Yet Forfeits His Soul

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! You probably recognize my Brylcreem’d visage from the billboards all about town. No? Well, I’m the Chief Pastoral Officer of Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries. Here’s my card: nothing says Prosperity Gospel like a Black Astrum, diamond-studded business card. Plus I star in ads on public access, Sky Angel and Spike. Also, […]

Alabama Church Opens Gun Range In The Name Of Jesus

When you think of church you usually think of wooden pews, stained glass windows and long sermons in the monotonous tone of Reverend Lovejoy from The Simpsons. Back when I was forced to go to church as a child, it was a long trip up and down the mountains to sit in a pew while […]