There’s a Better Way: We Sing the Body Rainbow!

Remarks to the 27th Annual Famously Hot South Carolina Pride Our nation’s great poet once proclaimed: “I sing the body electric!” I am confident that my fellow-bearded Walt Whitman would join me today in exclaiming, “We sing the body rainbow!” The baton of hate and bigotry can easily be passed from one generation to the […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Places Sunday School Teacher on Administrative Leave

Hear, O, Wheaton College! … Good morning, class! I’m Pastor Pillow! That’s right, little Bobby. I’m your spiritual shepherd! What does that mean? It means I’m the person your mommy and daddy write big checks to every week to maintain their platinum-level parish membership. Actually, my official title is Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Chief Pastoral […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow’s Vacation Bible School Concentration Camp Wonderland

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! Yes, that’s me! The one and only famed Chief Pastoral Officer of the multi-billion-dollar global faith enterprise we like to call Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries. Why, if there’s a fleck of heavenly emerald or sardonyx out there waiting to be hoarded, we just focus our little mustard seeds of faith and […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Erects ‘The Dennis Hastert Wing & A Prayer Center’

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! First, I would like to thank all members of the media for attending, as well as the entire Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries congregation flock—along with our corporate sponsors, Hobby Lobby, Chick-fil-A and Lockheed Martin. Because so many dedicated CZC Ministries sheep showed up for this ribbon-cutting ceremony, I am pleased to […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Shuns the Gays

Hello, I’m Pastor Pillow! And you must be the secretary filling in for Beverly! Lord be praised, that temp agency always sends us lookers. Think I might spend the next hour or so locked in my office reading Song of Solomon. Want to roll my scroll? Just don’t tell Mrs. Pillow. Had to give Bev […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Rigs the Vote, Plus No More Cracker Jesus

Good morning, I’m Pastor Pillow! Thank you for joining us on this blessed Cubic Zirconium Cathedral Ministries Midterm Election Pulpit Freedom Sunday Service! Here, have a “Jesus Votes Republican” button! I don’t have to remind you that candidates from that “other” political party craft their policies after consulting Baphomet, all the principalities of darkness, plus […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow & the Parable of the Empty Megachurch

The Gospel According to The Golden Rule 1 1 Normally on the Lord’s Day, Pastor Pillow arrived at Cubic Zirconium Cathedral several hours before even the most faithful member to perform dutifully the humble role of sexton—to his mind, a kind of facility foot washing. 2 He unlocked doors; adjusted thermostats; flipped on hallway lights; […]

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Would Jesus Write for “Christianity Today” While Giving Lap Dances?

Brace yourselves, those of an Evangelical disposition. I am a graduate of Wheaton College, and I have been to a strip club. And it wasn’t even because I read Christianity Today’s article “Would Jesus Hang Out in a Strip Club?” and was overcome with spiritual delusions of grandeur about extending the Gospel, as it were, […]

Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Big Bang Solos, BJ U & Sugar in Your Wheaties

Pastor Pillow here! Let’s start this morning’s worship service with a bit of a bang.  Please listen to our Guest Soloist and follow along in your hymnals at No. ∞. Following today’s service, we’ll provide you with some additional recordings of the Cosmic Microwave Background—otherwise known as the residual radiation from the Big Bang. You […]

Super Bowl XLVIII: Denver Columbine Survivors vs. Green Bay Drunk (How’s That for “Honor”?)

In 2000, a private institution of higher education nestled in a quiet Chicago suburb decided that the time was nigh to change its collegiate mascot.  Odds are not even the most bratwurst-scarfing, jersey-junkie, beer-chugging sports fan in the nation had ever heard of—let alone followed—the athletic endeavors of the NCAA Division III Wheaton College Crusaders.  […]