The Bachmann Diaries: America Will Face Real Sharknados Because Of Obama

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

I’m a movie star! The producers of the blockbuster series “Sharknado” asked me to make a cameo appearance (that’s movie talk for star) in “Sharknado 3,” and I think God made that happen to remind me, and everyone else, what is happening because of Barack Hussein Obama’s horrible policies and outright hatred of Israel. Then this past weekend, I appeared on my dear friend Jan Markel’s radio program to talk more about the disasters America has suffered, and will continue to suffer, thanks to Obama.

You see, Diary, Obama is part of the Illuminati in that he supports a one-world government. Like the Bilderbergs and the Rothschilds. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn a lizard from outer space is actually wearing Obama’s skin, like that guy in “Men In Black.” Obama and his Marxist friends want to destroy Israel to bring about the End Times, so they can rule the world. This is also why I really believe Obama is Satan, sent to the best country in the world to seduce the ignorant and godless into following him into an eternal lake of fire. Of course, they think it’s all lollipops and HOMO rainbows, but they’ll learn soon enough what really waits for them at the end. Pain. Torment. I have to admit the idea of liberals, feminists, and HOMOS suffering for eternity by having their skin melt off is kind of a neat idea.

All the natural disasters we’ve had-the droughts, the epic snowfalls, the hurricanes, tornadoes, and everything else-are a punishment from Holy God for Obama. Those idiots who voted for him are as responsible for this as Obama is, and I hope they pay dearly for trying to ruin this great nation. I told Jan “If we actually turn our back on Israel, as we are seeing Barack Obama do today, if that happens then I think we will see a scale and a level of pushback in the United States, negative consequences. I don’t know what they are, but I believe that the Bible is true and I believe that what the Bible says is that our nation and the people of our nation will reap a whirlwind.” And I don’t know what those negative consequences are, but it looks like we’re already suffering some of them. Look at all that poor man in South Carolina. Charged with murder, leaving behind a pregnant wife, just for shooting a colored black man. I bet South Carolina gets some horrible weather pretty soon.

Diary, I have said Barack Hussein Obama wants a caliphate, that he is a supporter of Al Qaeda, and that he is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood. This is why Jan keeps having me on her show. She knows I am the only person willing to tell the truth about Obama. Which is also why Marcus and I don’t think I will ever be President Bachmann. People don’t want to know the truth. They want to live in their little bubbles, filled with chemtrails and fluoridated water, hiding their heads in the sand. Well, to those people, I say SHAME ON YOU. YOU helped make this happen when you voted the anti-Christ into the White House, and now we are all paying the price.

Remember Obama’s 2009 speech in Cairo? Where he first proved his allegiance to Islam? I told Jan that speech is one of the weirdest I have ever read. It’s filled with love for Muslims, but no love for America, which is Barack Hussein Obama to the core. He hates this country so much, he wanted to be president, because he couldn’t ruin America as a “community organizer,” so he had to become the most powerful man in the world. If I were privileged enough to be elected president, I would do things Obama wouldn’t dare. I would nuke Iran and North Korea, I would send our entire military after ISIS, I would lower taxes on the job creators, I would end welfare and food stamps and put poor people too lazy to work in camps, marriage would FOREVER be between one man and one woman, as the Bible intends, and HOMOS would be sent to conversion therapy so they could marry the right person and live a normal life. Because that’s how you prove you love America: you kill her enemies, and you make her a Christian nation, governed by Biblical laws. Anyone who breaks those laws would be subject to whatever punishment is ordered by the Bible.

A wife who cheats on her husband? Stoning. Drink to excess? Stoning, although I’m not really sure that’s the actual punishment. Stoning would just solve so many of our problems, Diary. If someone is a HOMO, or a wanton woman, or steals, or lies about something, we could just stone them. I bet if we started stoning more sinners, God would stop all these disasters, and we could go back to being a safe, happy, white country.

Well, Marcus and I are gardening this week. By gardening, I mean watching our Mexican landscapers weed and rake while we watch Pat Robertson on Marcus’s new laptop computer. I love Pat; he’s so honest and loving.

Someday, I will be Michele Bachmann, Queen of Godlandia, and I will make everyone who mocks God pay for their sins.

Hugs and kisses!

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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