The Bachmann Diaries: Christmas Bingo!

unnamed-6Dear Diary,

I refuse to let the atheists win. Christmas is the most important holiday of the year, except for Veteran’s Day, but Veteran’s Day is only good because Republicans love veterans more than anyone else does. Liberals hate veterans, they hate Christmas and they hate America. I LOVE America, which is why I love Christmas. Our wonderful country was built on Christian values and when the Puritans celebrated Christmas for the first time, I bet it was lovely. ┬áMaybe Abe Lincoln dressed as Santa – he had the beard!

Diary, Marcus has been such a rock through all this nonsense about my presidential campaign. I was terrified I might go to prison, but Marcus reminded me that Martha Stewart went to prison – except it was more of a country club, and she learned to knit sweaters or scarves. Something wool. AND she was even more famous when she got out. I wonder if I’d have a better shot at being Queen of Godlandia if I went to prison for a week or two.

We still aren’t decided about 2016. I really want to run again, Marcus isn’t sure. It took a huge toll on me last time. There are days I don’t even remember. I remember the dog, though. Oh Jesus, Holy God, please don’t ever let anyone dig up that poodle. OOO our new neighbors have a ferret! Those little things are really fluffy. I’m trying to convince them to buy 3 more, because if they had 4, I could make a stole.

Marcus has been so busy helping the homeless at St. Andrew Christian Church that I had to organize Christmas Bingo this year. I put a lot of thought into it because last year was such a flop. No one got all the words, and stupid Allen West kept yelling out “commie!” whenever Marcus called out the letter C. Idiot. I mean, yes, commie was one of the right answers, but there were 4 more he could have chosen from.

All my Tweeter fans have been wishing me a Merry Christmas. Not one person has said “Happy holidays,” thank Holy God. My wonderful friends at the American Family Institute noticed that Radio Shack had signs up in all of their stores saying “Happy holidays.” BOYCOTT! If businesses won’t do what we want them to because they worship Satan, then we won’t shop at their stores.

Okay, well, I need to go finish supervising Consuela. We had to hire a new maid. You know, I really don’t understand why I cannot keep staff; I’m a lovely person, filled with kindness and empathy. Unless you’re a homo. Or a liberal. Or a baby killer. Or an atheist. Or a Muslim. Or black. Chinese. Smarter than I am. Sarah Palin. MEXICANS!

Oh, it’s time to pray. Oh Holy God, bless all the white, Christian, gun loving, American conservatives. Come into their hearts, oh Holy God and show them that I, Michele Bachmann, am the best candidate for “president” in 2016. Let their eyes be opened by the truth that all the other people who will be running will only BE a president while I will rename America Godlandia and make Your word law. I will expel any and all Muslims, liberals, homos, abortionists, rock musicians, anyone who doesn’t read Tim LaHaye and close public colleges. I am the only one, Jesus Lord, who can save this once great country from the evils of Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his horrible gang of socialist, Marxist fascists. I pray this in your name, oh Holy God. Amen.

Alright, Diary, I need to take my vitamin drink. Marcus made me something called a “toddy.” I have no idea what’s in it, but it tastes a lot like butterscotch. He said it’s an ancient Jewish recipe, and what I taste is Middle Eastern honey. Whatever it is, it’s delish! I’ve had about 6. Merry Christmas, and I hope I win bingo!

Love, Queen Michele, ruler of Godlandia x0x0x0x0x0x0x0

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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