The Bachmann Diaries: Christmas Bingo!

unnamed-6Dear Diary,

I refuse to let the atheists win. Christmas is the most important holiday of the year, except for Veteran’s Day, but Veteran’s Day is only good because Republicans love veterans more than anyone else does. Liberals hate veterans, they hate Christmas and they hate America. I LOVE America, which is why I love Christmas. Our wonderful country was built on Christian values and when the Puritans celebrated Christmas for the first time, I bet it was lovely. ┬áMaybe Abe Lincoln dressed as Santa – he had the beard!

Diary, Marcus has been such a rock through all this nonsense about my presidential campaign. I was terrified I might go to prison, but Marcus reminded me that Martha Stewart went to prison – except it was more of a country club, and she learned to knit sweaters or scarves. Something wool. AND she was even more famous when she got out. I wonder if I’d have a better shot at being Queen of Godlandia if I went to prison for a week or two.

We still aren’t decided about 2016. I really want to run again, Marcus isn’t sure. It took a huge toll on me last time. There are days I don’t even remember. I remember the dog, though. Oh Jesus, Holy God, please don’t ever let anyone dig up that poodle. OOO our new neighbors have a ferret! Those little things are really fluffy. I’m trying to convince them to buy 3 more, because if they had 4, I could make a stole.

Marcus has been so busy helping the homeless at St. Andrew Christian Church that I had to organize Christmas Bingo this year. I put a lot of thought into it because last year was such a flop. No one got all the words, and stupid Allen West kept yelling out “commie!” whenever Marcus called out the letter C. Idiot. I mean, yes, commie was one of the right answers, but there were 4 more he could have chosen from.

All my Tweeter fans have been wishing me a Merry Christmas. Not one person has said “Happy holidays,” thank Holy God. My wonderful friends at the American Family Institute noticed that Radio Shack had signs up in all of their stores saying “Happy holidays.” BOYCOTT! If businesses won’t do what we want them to because they worship Satan, then we won’t shop at their stores.

Okay, well, I need to go finish supervising Consuela. We had to hire a new maid. You know, I really don’t understand why I cannot keep staff; I’m a lovely person, filled with kindness and empathy. Unless you’re a homo. Or a liberal. Or a baby killer. Or an atheist. Or a Muslim. Or black. Chinese. Smarter than I am. Sarah Palin. MEXICANS!

Oh, it’s time to pray. Oh Holy God, bless all the white, Christian, gun loving, American conservatives. Come into their hearts, oh Holy God and show them that I, Michele Bachmann, am the best candidate for “president” in 2016. Let their eyes be opened by the truth that all the other people who will be running will only BE a president while I will rename America Godlandia and make Your word law. I will expel any and all Muslims, liberals, homos, abortionists, rock musicians, anyone who doesn’t read Tim LaHaye and close public colleges. I am the only one, Jesus Lord, who can save this once great country from the evils of Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his horrible gang of socialist, Marxist fascists. I pray this in your name, oh Holy God. Amen.

Alright, Diary, I need to take my vitamin drink. Marcus made me something called a “toddy.” I have no idea what’s in it, but it tastes a lot like butterscotch. He said it’s an ancient Jewish recipe, and what I taste is Middle Eastern honey. Whatever it is, it’s delish! I’ve had about 6. Merry Christmas, and I hope I win bingo!

Love, Queen Michele, ruler of Godlandia x0x0x0x0x0x0x0

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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  • Jim Bean

    This article provides great insight into what causes such a chasm between liberals and conservatives. Erin Nanasi’s imagination is clearly almost limitless and he/she obviously spends an inordinate amount of time traveling around in it.

    • Emora

      She. My imagination is almost limitless, but I don’t spend an “inordinate amount of time” with it. Unless your comment was an attempt at snark or sarcasm, in which case, may I recommend my 25-part lecture “Snark and You: No, It’s Not As Easy As You Think.” Happy Festivus!

      • Jim Bean

        “25-part lecture?” I guess none of the parts address word-economy. (I’m sorry. Was that snarky?)

      • Emora

        No. A for effort, though!

      • Arador

        The word you are looking for is “Brevity”.

      • getoffmylawn

        Jim Bean, you criticize this writer for too many words and too much imagination, implying she’s wasting her time. Yet you troll around multiple posts on this website trying to pick fights by making snarky comments. Now, WHO’S wasting time?

    • Arador

      Wow, are you truly saddened by someone making a sarcastic observation of Michelle Bachman on a Liberal website? Did the point of the article really elude you, or are you in love with her? There’s no shame, I hear if you get enough drinks in her she can be “adventourous”.

      • Jim Bean

        I didn’t comment on Bachmann. I was simply struck by lengthy adventure the author took through her imagination.

      • getoffmylawn

        See comment above. You accuse this writer of taking too much time while you troll around spending too much time trying to pick fights.

        internet troll

        In Internet slang, a troll is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, either accidentally or with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response …

      • Jim Bean

        Its tricky terrain on an online community frequented by liberals because anything said that conflicts with their narrative is regarded as ” inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic”.

      • getoffmylawn

        Interesting. When called out and proven wrong, you change the subject. That’s called trolling and has nothing to do with “tricky terrain on an online community”. It’s just trolling. One need only peruse your comments for a few seconds to see that you add nothing to the conversation beyond trying to provoke an argument. That’s parasitic, but I’m sure you know that since you persist in commenting in a community with which you have nothing in common.

      • Jim Bean

        Lets test your theory against mine. Lets say there is an article about gun violence and one of the commenters verbally accosts the NRA who had nothing to do with the violence with an ‘inflammatory, extraneous, off-topic” remark. Do you regard that person as a ‘troll’? After contemplating that, you may benefit by asking yourself, “Am I the kind of person who tries to silence dissent by calling people trolls the same way some others do it by crying ‘racism?’

      • getoffmylawn

        Jim, to begin with, the the entire premise of your argument is wrong. The NRA, which has promoted gun violence for 20 years (since it reversed itself on background checks), and has since called for unfettered gun ownership by all people in the US, including the mentally unstable, terrorists, criminals, and rapists. It has now begun to call for a prodigious proliferation of firearms in all environments, including schools, hospitals, churches, and on the street. Wayne LaPierre has said on numerous occasions that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. That’s not only nonsensical on the face, the numbers so easily prove that exactly the opposite is true. Since the US is awash in guns, you’d think we were the safest nation on earth. The opposite is actually the fact, since our gun death rate is 20 times that of the average of ALL other OECD nations (industrialized). I’m sure you’ll try to refute that by using NRA talking points that use cherry picked data from Australia or other such nonsense.

        My point on your trolling is that you have nothing in common with these threads. 100% of your comments are intended to start an argument or piss people off. That is the very definition of troll.

      • Suzanne Lehman

        I think the word “inordinate” is throwing folks off. It makes it seem like you disapprove. I thought this was very funny, actually. I think we all benefit from comedians who spend sufficiently lengthy durations wandering through the land of “Whatif”!

  • TheBlergle

    The Bachmann’s are kind of an easy target.