The Bachmann Diaries: I Debated Bernie Sanders And May Have Killed A Dog, Again

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

On Monday, I appeared on CNN with socialist “senator,” Bernie Sanders. He yelled at me a lot, interrupted me constantly, and kept asking about chains. I don’t own any chains. We have snow tires, but I’m sure Vermont just hands chains out because it’s a totally socialist state. I was very tired, so truthfully, I wasn’t at my best. Fox and The Blaze by Glenn Beck wrote some awfully nice things about my performance, which was not surprising, given how much they love me. All Sanders wanted to talk about was education, and all I wanted to talk about was how horrible Obummer is at running this great country. Wolf Slitzer was mean to me. Everyone is mean to me. Except Fox and Glenn Beck.

Marcus and I returned from Russia Sunday evening. The primary reason was my CNN debate, but we really needed to get out of the country. Oh holy God. Diary, I think I may have killed Vladimir Putin’s dog.

It’s not my fault! You know how I am about my shoes, and this huge black thing kept licking my feet. All I kept thinking was what does Russian dog spit do to Chanel spectator pumps. I tried to shoo it away, but it wouldn’t leave me alone. Marcus wasn’t even there – he went to the Bolshot ballet to talk to dancers. He hates ballet. Then Vlad served this weird pink soup and all this vodka, and I don’t know what happened.

Vlad kept smooching this dog, and I kept wishing he would smooch me, but I think he has a “thing” for this dog and I got so drunk and OH HOLY JESUS! I ummmmm, okay, look it wasn’t on purpose. I don’t think.

I did win that debate, I did. Marcus let me wear a cowboy shirt he found in his closet, because we had to leave our luggage in the hotel. I felt empowered wearing that shirt. Marcus said he got it for me as a present, and when I asked him why it smelled like Drakkar Noir, he said something about the guy who sold it to him.

Did you know Lenin has his own tomb? That’s where I woke up. Vlad had the welcoming party Saturday night at a house in Moscow and Sunday morning, really early, I woke up in front of Lenin’s tomb. I had to Google who he was. I am very glad I decided to carry my Hermes alligator tote, because I probably would have been arrested carrying around Koni’s severed head. I TOLD THAT DOG TO STOP LICKING MY SHOES. I have no idea what I did, I don’t even know where the rest of the dog is. Hopefully, I buried it. If not, I am not going to be able to ever return to Russia, which would be bad since I want to work for Vlad when I quit leave congress.

Russian vodka is evil. American vodka is much nicer, and Marcus made me a huge pitcher of American vodka martinis. I’ve had 6. Vodka is made out of turnips or roots of some kind. I cannot go to Russian prison. Oh holy God, I cannot go to Russian prison. Maybe they’ll just think the dog ran away. That’s what Geronimo’s owners thought.

Why is this happening to me? All I want is to rule the country as Queen of Godlandia, as Jesus intends me to do. In fact, Jesus spoke to me right after I woke up at Lenin’s tomb. He told me that the evil socialist Sanders would try to discredit me and hurt me and yell at me, and if I just kept silently praying, everything would be okay. And it was! I wish Jesus would tell me what to do about Putin’s dog.

Maybe I didn’t kill it. Maybe that wasn’t a head in my tote. I mean, it was really dark and I had so much of that pink soup, maybe I had a bowling ball in there. A really furry bowling ball. I’m a nice person!!!! No one understands how difficult it is to be me. I’m the only person who tells the truth about Obummer’s $200 million a day trip to Indiana, and his plan to make all the girls in America retarded with that wart vaccine, and how no one can whip this country back into shape like me.

OH! And after all the worrying about my shoes, I spilled pink soup all over them. It dried really dark.

I need a nap. Diary, it was a bowling ball. I mean, no, but that’s what I’ll say if anyone asks.

Here’s to 2016! Love, Queen Michele, future ruler of Godlandia!!! Stupid dog. x0x0x0x0x0x0x0

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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  • Jim Bean

    The author could have saved a lot of words by simply saying “Bachmann and Sanders appeared on CNN where Sanders assumed the role of bully to try to prevent Bachmann from providing comprehensive explanations of her positions on issues.” After watching that discussion I have to assume the Left feels about Sanders the same way they feel about Bill O’Reilly because I know how much they despise people who try to talk over the person they’re talking to.

    • The Green Devilish One

      Asking a question is not the same as talking over. Bachmann will go to her grave wondering if Sanders is a dirty old man into S&M since he kept asking her about chains. And unlike achmann, Sanders gave lucid reality-based answers with thought behind them and did just parrot back pre-programmed talking points.

      • Jim Bean

        If the exchange had been between O’Reilly and Hillary, the title would have been “Conservative’s war on women continues.”

        Sanders was trying to trap Bachmann into presenting her positions on complex issues with a simple yes or no answer to questions specifically and maliciously crafted by him in order to mislead the listener. No thoughtful person respects that kind of man.

      • Green_Devil

        That’s a load of crap. It was a very simple question regarding a stance upon which an entire philosophy sits and can simply be answered yes or no. Asking someone to give their position isn’t a trap and I bet you’re one of those people who cursed Katie Couric for “trapping” Palin with the question what newspapers do you read and causing that dizzy stupid twat to freeze up like a deer in the headlights and she first tried to figure out what exactly a newspaper was, before remembering it’s something she puts in her hallway that they put their snow boots on.

        And a thoughtful person– and an irrationally hopeless one– would think that a sitting US Congressperson could answer such a simple question. But Bachmann’s another venal moron and this interview showed it clearly. That this woman is an elected official is an embarrassment to this country.

      • Jim Bean

        “A thoughtful person?” Seriously? Everyone with half a functioning brain knows that problems lie ahead for Social Security and any thoughtful and responsible person (Bachmann in this instance) realizes that something needs to be done about it. Also, any one who spends more time listening than talking knows that chained CPI does not literally (as Sanders maliciously stated) ‘cut’ Social Security – it merely slows future increases by pegging it to a different inflation calculation strategy. But Bernie, knowing he couldn’t win anything politically against an honest retelling of Bachmann’s threw it out there as a ‘cut’ and then simply talked over her to prevent her from correcting the record. People whose arguments have merit don’t need to resort to playground strategies to keep the other person’s arguments from being heard.

      • Charles Vincent

        SS is in trouble because congress has been looting the fund to pay for budget over runs I wouldn’t trust any congressman/woman to reform anything if I were you. They have done this to Medicare as well.

      • Jim Bean

        Well stated.

      • PrezCircle

        As if Bachmannn could handle complexed issues.
        Oh…I get it ….you were being sarcastic.

      • Danny Mathey

        Jim do the math….do some research on how Conseratives Vote on woman’s issues….It is a War on Women…..Thier votes prove it !

      • Jim Bean

        You make it sound like the only ‘women’s issues’ that exist are the ones associated with their reproductive system. Is that how you feel about them?

      • Danny Mathey

        You said that not me….Women issues = same pay for the same work…is just one.

      • Jim Bean

        Will you accept one amendment? Same pay for the same work for the same number of months of experience/time actually worked in the job? If so, I’m your ally. (Be careful)

    • Emora

      You seem to be missing your “humorous.” That might be covered under the ACA; you should check on Monday.

    • Var Enyo

      ROFL Comprehensive explanations? If she wasn’t allowed to talk, it would be a blessing all around. Only morons think she makes any sense.

    • Moonshadow74

      Who was talking over who? I think you better go back and watch it again. Bachman rarely gave Bernie a chance to finish a single sentence and then she babbled on, and on, and ON. He restrained himself a whole lot better than I would have.

  • Mike Williams

    Bottom line…ANN is still out of a job.
    Who will give ANN a JOB?
    Nobody gives a rat’s ass about curing our nations stupid with a healthy dose of education unless ANN first gets a job.
    ANN needs that job, so she can sign up for Obamacare and be poor and have a JOB….Won’t anyone give ANN a JOB?
    She
    needs that JOB….Michele won’t give her a job, because Michele only
    hires upper class peasants and ANN with no job is obviously not upper
    class peasantry. It’s up to someone else to give ANN a JOB,
    Congressional bipartisan cooperation will never happen so long as ANN has no job.

    Yup….Bachmann rocked ANN’s world.

  • Danny Mathey

    …..if you can’t take the heat…..well,stay out of the kitchen or debate in this case.

  • richar1

    this is satire