The Bachmann Diaries: The Mall Of America Will Not Fall To Terrorists!

michele-bachmann-insaneDear Diary,

It’s been awhile since I’ve had time to write my thoughts down. Who knew retirement would be busier than being in Congress? I’m hounded wherever I go by people begging me to run for president, my opinions are in higher demand than ever, and I’m trying to get used to Marcus’s “deep voice.” I have no idea why Marcus decided he needs a different voice. He told me it’s because he wants to sound more masculine. I said he sounds fine, but the truth is, I do wish he was more manly. Everyone knows how much I love my husband, but there’s a part of me that wishes he was less gay just a tad more macho. Like Steve King. I miss him. I miss our trips, our whispered plans to dethrone King Obama, our stolen glances over CIA briefs about torture, I miss the way he smells like peppermint gum, Old Spice, and gun oil.

Anywho, Tuesday, I got to go on the radio! Steve Malzberg (a Jew, but he’s very nice), a well-respected journalist with Newsmax, invited me to speak on his program about the recent threat from ISIL against The Mall of America. As you know Diary, The Mall of America is the largest shopping mall in the world, filled with wonderful stores like Spencer’s (which sells board games and coffee mugs), Macy’s (where my dear friend, Donald Trump, sells his ties), and a shop that sells scotch called Vom Fass. I love that store. They also sell brandy. And wine, I think. I really don’t remember. And ISIL, the group of terrorists who has taken over Iraq thanks to Obama’s policies, threatened to blow it up. The Mall of America, not Vom Fass. Obviously, if they do blow up the mall, the scotch store would explode, too, but their threat is against the whole mall, not just the store that sells liquor. Of course ISIL hates liquor, because the Kirin forbids drinking, while the Bible encourages it, which is another reason Islam is weird.

Steve and I began the show with that awful speech by Patricia Arquette about women’s equality. Excuse me, missy, but I have equality. I was a United States congresswoman, I ran for president (and nearly won), I have five wonderful children, and I am a multi-millionaire. I choose to defer to my husband in everything because I am a devout follower of Holy God and His Son Jesus Christ. Ms. (that’s how you have to refer to a feminist) Arquette thinks America shouldn’t fight for women’s rights anywhere else in the world because birth control isn’t handed out on street corners, along with free abortions and equal pay. Women can’t make the same as men because we have the honor of pregnancy. Men don’t have to take 5 years off to care for children. Men are the breadwinners, women are the caregivers. Unless the woman wants to have unlimited power and a national audience, like me. Then it’s okay to switch the roles for a bit, like in the Bible. I’m sure it’s in there.

I then began speaking about ISIL and The Mall of America. Diary, that mall is a symbol of everything right with this great nation: capitalism, shopping, fast food, and roller coasters. You know what’s practically next door to this Minnesotan landmark? Somalians. Millions of them. Now, while I’m sure at least some of them are decent people, ISIL is reaching out to the rabble rousers, trying to gin up support for their hateful beliefs. So when the call to Mall Jihad comes, the Somalians who have chosen to join with ISIL will literally just have to walk a block or two, and BAM, no more Mall of America.

And what is Obama doing about the very real threat against The Mall of America? Nothing. He won’t call ISIL anything resembling a terrorist group. He refuses to tell the truth about Islam, obviously because it’s his secret religion, although it’s not a secret, Obummer, everyone knows you were sworn in on the Kirin. Rudy Giuliani said he doesn’t think Obama loves America. I know he doesn’t. I mean, look at him! Diary, that is not a reference to his skin color, it’s a reference to his smirk, his beady eyes, his weird ears, his nappy hair, his thug walk, his BLACKNESS. Not his skin color.

Those two poor New York City police officers were killed by ISIL, but you won’t hear that from mainstream media. According to them, some guy who was mad because an obese man died after selling illegal cigarettes (or something like that,. I don’t pay attention to a lot of this stuff) decided to kill two police officers. Okay, yes, he tried to kill his girlfriend first, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t ISIL. There was no evidence, investigators said, that the murderer was working for ISIL. Well, NO, it’s not as if they advertise it. People are so stupid when it comes to terrorism. Diary, remember when no one believed me about the nuclear silos being built in Cuba by Hezbollah to blow up all the Jews in Miami? Well, now that Comrade Obama has opened the border between America and Cuba, everyone will be able to see those silos for themselves. And Obama still hasn’t closed our embassies in Iran and North Korea. Traitor.

Well, I have to get ready for the maids. Honestly, it is exhausting supervising them. I wish we could keep help longer than a few months, but for some reason, they always quit. Maybe I should learn Spanish, or whatever language they’re speaking. This is America – our servants should speak American.

Oh, the presidency. I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I would love to change the name of this country to Godlandia, and throw all the atheists, liberals, the poor, and the homos into work camps. On the other hand, I really like not working. It’s almost as easy as being a congresswoman. I still have time. Marcus says if Palin runs, I should run, if only to give the American people a better choice than that chippy.

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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