The Bachmann Diaries: We’re going to Sochi!

ED-AN717_winter_G_20110610184659Dear Diary,

Marcus surprised me Saturday morning with tickets to the Olympics! We’re going to Sochi! Praise Holy God, I am so excited. Marcus, bless his heart, is super understanding about my little crush on Vladimir Putin. Diary, Vlad is so manly and cute. I saw a photo of him without a shirt on, riding a horse, and I just sighed. My manicurist told me she saw a photo of him riding a bear. A BEAR! I asked Marcus how a man could ride a bear and he laughed so hard, he had to go into the living room. Then he shouted “I’ll do it!”

The reason I am so thrilled to be traveling to Russia is that after I leave Congress, I am going to need a job. One that doesn’t require me to actually do anything (like Congress) would be awesome, so I will ask Vlad if I can work in his cabinet. Marcus doesn’t want to move to Russia. He likes all the anti-HOMO stuff, but he says there’s something about Russia that makes him nervous. When I asked him to be more specific, he admitted his Abercrombie and Fitch models wouldn’t have anyone to help them, plus he doesn’t know if he will be able to get his educational videos from Germany.

He’s been getting a lot of stuff off the internet recently. I was unpacking my elephant-skin running shoes last night and I found a box, hidden behind a stack of reparative therapy pamphlets. When I opened it, I saw the weirdest thing. It had two leather straps, attached to a clown nose. I tried it on, because I thought it might be for Halloween and Marcus almost had a stroke. It turns out, that thing is called a “chin lifter,” and it’s part of Marcus’s facial exercise regimen. I asked him if I could borrow it, and he said the sweetest thing! He told me I don’t need it because I still look like I’m 25. AWWW! I tried to give him a kiss for that, but he’s getting a cold sore.

Oh my gosh, what to pack? I know it’s cold there, because in every James Bond movie, the people are wearing giant fur hats, so maybe just all the things I normally wear when I wander the property here in Stillwater. It’s been super cold this winter, which is obviously Holy God preparing me for Russia. He is so good to me.

Diary, I have to change the subject for just a minute. When Minnesota legalized sodomy marriage, I thought it couldn’t possible get any worse. I was wrong. Now, our wussy lawmakers are trying to create legislation that would make it harder for kids to bully other kids. WHAT? Bullying is part of growing up, everyone gets bullied. Our 476  129 28 foster girls got bullied for puking all the time, but did we try to tell them that was bad? Of course not! So, naturally, I took to Tweeter to let my 4 million Twits know exactly how I felt about this. I wrote “This is bad legislation taking away innocence from kids and denying parental rights over values taught to our kids.”

And it is! Part of good parenting is making sure your kids know who’s not as good as they are. Like fat people. I mean, other than Marcus. That chin thing is working though-he really looks younger. And HOMOS. Like Marcus those awful people in Russia who are trying to turn Russian kids into HOMOS. Which is exactly what they do here, except with no furry hats.

Obummer is sending a bunch of HOMOS over to Russia to “represent” America. Seriously. He could have sent true patriots like Rush Limbaugh, my BFF, Sean Hannity, Ted Nugent or Donald Trump or ME, but some lesbian who played badminton 50 years ago? That’s going to make a wonderful impression. Socialist.

Oh my gosh, I have to go get my hair done! I don’t think I want to get my hair done in Russia. I mean, yes I cannot stand HOMOS, but they do great hair. Some peasant in a furry hat just wouldn’t get my highlights right.

2016 will be the year America finally gets me, Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia! x0x0x0x0x0x0

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.

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  • Edward Krebbs

    Can’t imagine Bachman going because there is no way she could guarantee being the center of attention.

    • Cthulhu0818

      I can imagine her being used as a lawn dart though.

  • staninpa

    She better keep Marcus away from the limp wrists over there or dear Marcus will end up in the gulag

  • Ellen P Collingsworth

    I’m no fan of Michele Bachmann, but this is tasteless and as bad as the right wing attacks on Obama.The right wing hasn’t set the bar very high, yet we have still managed to drop below it here. Stay classy Erin Nanasi.

    • why are you here reading it, then? nobody is making you do it, y’know