The Truth Behind Michele Bachmann’s Decision Not to Seek Re-election: Jesus Told Her Not to Run

bachmannjesusIt’s no secret Michele Bachmann speaks with God.  And it’s also not a secret He speaks back.

After God told her to run for President in 2012, any doubts about her holy communication with the almighty were squashed after her extremely successful 6th place finish in the Republican Iowa caucuses.

But never did anyone expect that Jesus Christ himself would come to her personally to tell her it was time to end her Congressional career.

Apparently, that’s exactly what happened.

Sources have leaked the details about an event occurring sometime last week when Michele Bachmann was approached by a tall, slender man with long hair and a beard telling her she shouldn’t seek re-election in 2014.

Sources say Mrs. Bachmann peered into this man’s eyes and felt his presence penetrate her soul, her eyes tearing up, and at that moment she knew her Lord and Savior had given her the message that her time in Congress must come to an end.

It is being said that at that moment Michele knew her life was meant for a bigger purpose as she said that Jesus not only told her to end her Congressional career, but to take a very long walk off a short pier.  Michele took this as Jesus telling her that her life had much bigger things in store for her ahead, despite her advancing age and fewer years to get them done.

The sources categorically deny the reports that her escalating FBI campaign ethics investigation was the real cause for her sudden announcement.

Sources with inside knowledge of the situation say Bachmann hasn’t been the same since her encounter with Jesus, and she hasn’t stopped talking about it with her friends and family.

But there have been another set of sources that have claimed the man who approached her wasn’t actually Jesus Christ—instead he was a scraggly hippie who did in fact tell her to take a long walk off a short pier.  He also told her that God himself couldn’t fix her level of crazy and she should save Americans from anymore of her insanity by not seeking another term in 2014.

These same sources say that Bachmann’s eyes did in fact tear up, but it was most likely from the pungent odor of patchouli that was emanating from the hippie.

As soon as I get a solid confirmation of which story is possibly accurate, I’ll have more.

Until then, we’re left to wonder…

Was it Jesus Christ who told her not to seek re-election, or was it a scraggly hippie fed up with her lunacy?

Personally, I’m still going with the FBI ethics investigation because I made up everything else.  Though, would it actually surprise you if the story were true?

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.


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