The Truth Behind Michele Bachmann’s Decision Not to Seek Re-election: Jesus Told Her Not to Run

bachmannjesusIt’s no secret Michele Bachmann speaks with God.  And it’s also not a secret He speaks back.

After God told her to run for President in 2012, any doubts about her holy communication with the almighty were squashed after her extremely successful 6th place finish in the Republican Iowa caucuses.

But never did anyone expect that Jesus Christ himself would come to her personally to tell her it was time to end her Congressional career.

Apparently, that’s exactly what happened.

Sources have leaked the details about an event occurring sometime last week when Michele Bachmann was approached by a tall, slender man with long hair and a beard telling her she shouldn’t seek re-election in 2014.

Sources say Mrs. Bachmann peered into this man’s eyes and felt his presence penetrate her soul, her eyes tearing up, and at that moment she knew her Lord and Savior had given her the message that her time in Congress must come to an end.

It is being said that at that moment Michele knew her life was meant for a bigger purpose as she said that Jesus not only told her to end her Congressional career, but to take a very long walk off a short pier.  Michele took this as Jesus telling her that her life had much bigger things in store for her ahead, despite her advancing age and fewer years to get them done.

The sources categorically deny the reports that her escalating FBI campaign ethics investigation was the real cause for her sudden announcement.

Sources with inside knowledge of the situation say Bachmann hasn’t been the same since her encounter with Jesus, and she hasn’t stopped talking about it with her friends and family.

But there have been another set of sources that have claimed the man who approached her wasn’t actually Jesus Christ—instead he was a scraggly hippie who did in fact tell her to take a long walk off a short pier.  He also told her that God himself couldn’t fix her level of crazy and she should save Americans from anymore of her insanity by not seeking another term in 2014.

These same sources say that Bachmann’s eyes did in fact tear up, but it was most likely from the pungent odor of patchouli that was emanating from the hippie.

As soon as I get a solid confirmation of which story is possibly accurate, I’ll have more.

Until then, we’re left to wonder…

Was it Jesus Christ who told her not to seek re-election, or was it a scraggly hippie fed up with her lunacy?

Personally, I’m still going with the FBI ethics investigation because I made up everything else.  Though, would it actually surprise you if the story were true?

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.

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  • asdfasdf

    there is a god!

  • About 1/3 of the way through, I had to double-check to make sure I wasn’t reading an article from the Onion!

    I don’t really care WHY she’s quitting, I’m just glad she is!

    • lindylou

      The hippie story is cool, but I prefer that she has hallucinations.

      • ElDouchee

        hippies and hallucinations go hand-in-hand.

      • meatwad_SSuppet

        But the ‘contact buzz’ was a myth started by drunks in Nixons house.

      • LateNightLarry

        Actually, she does have hallucinations… as well as delusions… A hallucination that she was destined to be President after Georgie Porgie, and delusions of intelligence and adequacy.

  • MacKenzie Drake

    Awesome stuff, Allen! Been enjoying your page for quite awhile now.

  • Richard Ellis

    My prayers have been answered! Now, if Jesus would just have a friendly chat with Mitch McConnell, things could get even better.

    • Jeanette Cave

      and Boehner, although he wouldn’t listen unless ‘Jesus’ were a Wall Street CEO wearing Armani.

      • ElDouchee

        I think you could Kickstart up the funds to buy that suit and hire an appropriate actor to play that part.

      • LateNightLarry

        and Boehner, although he wouldn’t listen unless ‘Jesus’ were a Wall Street CEO wearing Armani, handed him a check for a couple of hundred million dollars, tax free…

  • BryanCooper

    what did Jesus know, and when did He know it?

    • SHIPADDICT

      I demand an investigation!

      • thatonepanda

        The GOP is just trying to cover up the facts of Jesusgate but the American people demand the truth!

    • meatwad_SSuppet

      Nothing and never

  • wilmbear

    please we all know the real reason she’s not running again is so she can pocket the millions that are in her re-election campaign fund. She knows she can’t win another term she only barely won her last term, and her approval rating has been falling. While the number of people that think she is a certifiable wack job has greatly increased

  • Jo Hargis

    The whole story sounds perfectly plausible!

    Funny story: earlier today, I saw a daily currant article on Santorum verbally accosting some Boy Scouts outside a store. I neglected to notice that it was from a satire site, and made my remarks in the comment section accordingly. You see? The remarks attributed to Santorum, satire though they were, sounded *perfectly* plausible.

    That’s a pretty sad testimony to the nutbaggery of the GOP, right?

  • You know shes so wacky I actually believed this 2/3rds the way through its something I think she could come up with lol

  • Robin Fletcher

    LOL! I love Allen Clifton’s work.

  • bob

    thank you pseudo-jesus! Thank you! 🙂

  • J. REX CROUCH

    I almost broke something when I tripped over that punch-line!

  • bcbyard1976

    If it is true that she quit because Jesus told her to. I am converting back to Christianity because there is a GOD after all!!

  • Dallas

    Was it Jesus Koch that told her not to run??

  • I actually believed this until said stated, “I made this up.” It seems very plausible that someone like her would believe that Jesus would come to her in human form and tell her that she isn’t doing enough to vanquish away basic human rights around this country and needs to take her act on the road instead and work across the world spreading her dillusional view of Christianity.
    Very well written. I loved the laugh and really WAS waiting to see a picture of Bachman talking to a hippie in pure awe.

  • susan

    her and Sarah should form a sewing circle and sew their mouths shut!!!

  • Chuck Spaeth

    All I can say is Charlie Manson talked to God too.

  • suburbancuurmudgeon

    Great story! It made my morning.

  • Rev. D

    Interesting humor Allen….either way it is a blessing that this woman has decided to leave the US Congress…that she could be the example for the other right wing religious fanatics to follow would surely strengthen my belief in a merciful God….and Divine Justice.

  • Bill D. Cat

    Run, don’t run…Jesus needs to make up his mind.

  • Gone Green

    Well, for his time ol’ JC *was* a scraggly hippie . . . why does this seem wrong?