Too Bad Louie Gohmert Isn’t Running In 2016. Or Is He?

Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) speaks in June during the Faith and Freedom Coalition's Road to Majority event in Washington. (Molly Riley/AP)

Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) speaks in June during the Faith and Freedom Coalition’s Road to Majority event in Washington. (Molly Riley/AP)

Rep. Louie Gohmert told The Hill he is weighing a 2016 presidential run in response to a question about Gohmert supporting Ted Cruz. An aide told The Texas Tribune Gohmert was being “ironic.”Louie Gohmert, a man who told a woman she should have stayed pregnant with a brain-dead fetus, just in case, and who got into a shouting match with Anderson Cooper about “terror babies,” said Cruz is a “good friend, and would be an outstanding president; however, I haven’t ruled out an exploratory committee myself.”  Then his aide responded with “Washington D.C. contains too many who do not recognize statements made with a figurative tongue in cheek, sometimes known as being ironic.” Well, if Louie decides he wasn’t being ironic, this seems a perfect time to look back at some of his greatest hits.

His empathy is practically nonexistent, especially when it comes to the poor. In a rather infamous speech, Gohmert referenced an unnamed constituent who stood behind someone using food stamps to buy crab legs:

He looks at the king crab legs [being bought by a person with food stamps] and looks at his ground meat and realizes because he does pay income tax, he doesn’t get more back than he pays in. He is actually helping pay for the king crab legs when he can’t pay for them for himself.

Gohmert also believes food stamps are bad because poor people are all fat. In the same speech, he said:

…and from the amount of obesity in this country, by people we’re told do not have enough to eat, it does seem like we would have a debate about this issue without allegations about wanting to slap down or starve children.

We could have a discussion about refined sugar, and corn syrup, and how junk food is cheaper, and therefore easier for poor folks to buy, but Louie isn’t interested in facts; he just hates poor people.

During a heated exchange with Eric Holder, Louie Gohmert became very upset because he felt Holder was “casting aspersions” on his asparagus. No one knows what this means, if it was some sort of code, or if Rep. Gohmert had asparagus on the brain because it goes well with crab legs, but he said it. Which begs the question: What other vegetables does Rep. Gohmert feel people are casting aspersions on? Rutabagas? Turnips? Cauliflower? Brussel sprouts? Is this even limited to veggies, or would a President Gohmert suddenly launch into a tirade about a foreign leader who doesn’t eat strawberries? My goodness, this could lead to all-out war.

Speaking of war, Louie Gohmert really wants one with Iran. Speaking with Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins, Gohmert said we need to nuke Iran in order to be helpful to Israel:

I’m hoping and praying the president will realize, despite the agenda he has that has put Christians in jeopardy around the world, that he will not want to leave the Democratic Party so devastated that they won’t recover for many decades, that maybe he’ll start being more helpful to Israel instead of slapping them around as an unwelcomed visitor and start treating them like a friend. And maybe once he starts doing that he’ll realize we do need to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities that we know of and anything that they move to fix, we bomb that as well.

Gohmert also pushed a World Net Daily conspiracy theory about President Obama shooting down Israeli jets while chatting with Perkins, and lied through his teeth about the Obama administration telling Nigeria the U.S. won’t help fight Boko Haram until Nigeria legalizes same-sex marriage. That lie was first floated around right-wing “media” by none other than former congressman Steve “Don’t you publish my mugshot” Stockman, another bastion of truth.

Then there’s Rep. Gohmert’s comments to a woman testifying before congress about the 20-week abortion ban. The woman, Christy Zink, told the all-male panel about her own heartbreaking experience: learning the fetus’ brain was not functioning, and having to make the painful decision to abort at 21 weeks. But Gohmert did not believe Zink should have done that. He related a story about seeing a baby in a NICU, born without a spine, and mused:

Shouldn’t we wait, like that couple did, and see if the child can survive, before we decide to rip ’em apart?

Gohmert blamed a lack of God for the massacre in Aurora, Colorado:

You know what really gets me, as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs, and then some senseless crazy act of terror like this takes place. … We’ve threatened high school graduation participations, if they use God’s name, they’re going to be jailed … I mean that kind of stuff. Where was God? What have we done with God? We don’t want him around. I kind of like his protective hand being present. (source)

And of course, we cannot forget the terror babies. This all started when Rep. Gohmert said, on the House floor:

It appeared that [the terrorists] would have young women, who became pregnant, would get them into the United States to have a baby. And then they would turn back where they could be raised and coddled as future terrorists.

He claimed to have gotten this information from a former FBI agent, whose name he has never shared. Maybe it was the crab legs guy? Anyway, Anderson Cooper had Gohmert on his program to chat about these mythical terror babies, and Gohmert melted down in truly spectacular fashion. All Anderson Cooper was trying to do was get Gohmert to prove his ridiculous claim, and Gohmert couldn’t. Cooper had interviewed an actual former FBI agent the previous evening, who said Gohmert’s little theory was “ludicrous.” Well, Louie wasn’t going to let some journalist, and a real ex-FBI agent, get in the way of his loony fear mongering, and the battle of Wit versus Twit began.

So we have all that, and much more, to look forward to should Louie Gohmert change his mind again and decide to run for president. You just never know what he’s going to do next and as a political writer and satirist, a 2016 Louie Gohmert would be so much fun to cover. If you want a giggle, you can watch Anderson Cooper’s interview with Gohmert below. It’s nine minutes of absolute insanity; kudos to Anderson Cooper for not just yelling “WHAT THE EVERLOVING **** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is the creator of The Bachmann Diaries: Satirical Excerpts from Michele Bachmann's Fictional Diary. She hates writing about herself in the third person. Erin enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with family. And wombats. Come visit Erin on on Facebook. She also can be found on Twitter at @WriterENanasi.


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