Conservative Americans – you’re welcome! I, your trusty former concierge/event planner, have graciously put together a list for you and your family of perfect vacation destinations. Summer’s right around the corner, and my guess is conservative Americans are befuddled as to where they can take their super-Christian brood this year. Obviously any Disney park is out, since they not only have those awful “Gay Days,” but rumor has it Disney parks employ (clutch your pearls) gay people. So does Universal. Really any high-end theme park is going to have LGBT folks lurking around every corner, just waiting to help you find a restroom, or make a dinner reservation, or even assist you if you go Drinking Around the World and lose your children.
Where can a good, old fashioned, conservative American family go on vacation without fear of gay bullies, organic food, Priuses (Priusi?), or natural fabrics? Well, first off, you have to stay here. No true red white and blue conservative would ever travel outside the borders of the United States. Except for… I can’t tell you, but there are two foreign destinations included on my list. So, are you ready? It gives me great pleasure to present the Top Summer Vacation Destinations for Conservatives!
1) The Holy Land Experience. The Holy Land Experience is a Christian theme park in the middle of Orlando, Florida. It is conveniently located off I-4, at exit 78. HLE (that’s what the cool conservatives call it) proudly features the Church of all Nations, if all those Nations are Christian, where you can watch a reenactment of the crucifixion. Because what sounds more fun, right before eating lunch at The Oasis Cafe, than watching conservative Jesus pretend to get nailed to a cross? For souvenirs, visit the Jerusalem Street Market. Betcha they have tee shirts!
2) Centralia, Pennsylvania. Centralia is known as the town on fire. In 1962, the town’s fire department set the landfill ablaze, and ignited the coal outcropping. That fire is still burning, deep below the ground. Take the kids and show them how great “clean coal” is! There are some people still living there, and they don’t care for tourists gawking at the disaster that is Centralia, so stay in the car. Think of it as a safari, but instead of camels, you might see pissed off Centralians running after you, shaking a rake.
3) Crossett, Arkansas. Georgia Pacific, a subsidiary of Koch Industries, is killing an entire town in Arkansas. This is the perfect destination for the conservative family who has never witnessed large-scale illness or death from toxins. See the river that foams! Listen to Norma Thompson’s ragged breathing, in between treatments to help her lungs! Chat with Pastor David Bouie about all the friends he’s lost! Heck, if you’re a true conservative who hates government regulation of any kind, you might just want to buy a house in Crossett. Word is, they’re cheap.
4) The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. What conservative American wouldn’t want to visit the shrine to Saint Ronnie Raygun? Sorry, just a pet name. The library honoring the president who sold arms to Iran, and funded the Contras, can be found in Simi Valley, California. You and your family can wander on your own, or tour the library with a guide. There are two restaurants – American food only, thank you very much! – and a store. You can even plop your posterior down behind the presidential desk in an exact replica of the Oval Office. Oooo!
5) Wasilla, Alaska. Home to every conservative’s favorite grifter, Half-Governor Sarah Palin, Wasilla boasts The Dorothy G. Page Museum, named after actress Dorothy G. Page, and… um… well, other than some insanely awesome mountains, wildlife, camping, and the Iditarod, that’s about it. But if you ask real nice, maybe someone will take you to see Chuck Heath, Sarah’s dad, and he can tell you horror stories about the big, bad IRS.
6) Anywhere you can take a gun to church/bars/restaurants/movie theaters/national parks. Unfortunately for conservatives, one of the states with the most lenient gun laws on the books is none other than Vermont. What’s a good, patriotic, gun-totin’ conservative to do? On the one hand, it’s very important to be able to carry your concealed handgun every-freaking-where, but on the other hand, Vermont? Holy shit, really? Land of Bernie Sanders, and socialized health care, and hippies? Okay, not Vermont. Go to Arizona or Georgia.
7) Russia. If you’re a true conservative, you are just crazy for Vlad Putin. He’s so manly, he shoots bears (or “rides” them), he rarely wears a shirt, he divorced his wife to date this younger woman, and he hates the gays. Hates ’em. He’s also very religious, and a former spy, which makes him all sorts of macho. Thus, Russia is an obvious vacation destination, and the Russian place to be is Sochi. Gorgeous beaches, sunshine and palm trees make Sochi the perfect stop. Just make sure your hotel is ready.
8) Somalia. Somalia is in Africa, which means there are actual African people, but trust me: this is the go-to destination for real conservatives. Somalia hasn’t had any kind of actual government since 1991, tens of thousands of children are starving, war and violence are part of everyday life, and piracy is the primary money-maker. There is an official travel warning against visiting Somalia, but no conservative is going to listen to the stupid government. I say, pack a few bags, skip the vaccines (because that’s a plot to insert an Obama Diode™ under your skin), and go! Remember to book early – Somalia is a key vacation spot for right wing libertarians, and you’ll want to make sure you reserve a hovel large enough for the entire family.
If you’re a conservative and you visit one or more of these Vacation Destinations this summer, let all of us here at Forward Progressives hear about it. Upload some photos of White Florida Jesus, or the smoke eeking out from the cracked Centralia streets. Maybe get a copy of an x-ray from one of the residents of Crossett. Have Putin sign his name on your ass. Have fun!