The United States of Sarah Palin, Volume 1

palin-idiotOh, hiy-a all you fine patriotic American folks, it’s your good pal Sarah Palin here to let you know a little bit about what’s going on in my head.  And let me you tell you this, there’s quiet a lot going on up in this mind.  But, you know, that’s just what happens when you have a genius-level IQ of 86.

First, as most of you know I’m the proud hockey mom of five wonderful children.  Which is pretty important because until I had Trigg, I could only count to four.  And even though the names of my children (Bristol, Trigg, Track, Piper and Willow) sound like something a 9-year-old might come up with, I ensure you that they’re wholesome, American Biblical names.

Speaking of being a 9-year-old, that was a great year for me.  I remember graduating the first grade like it was yesterday.  Man, weren’t those the days?  No “Obamacare” ruining this great country of ours and all I did was color pictures of the future me hunting wolves with a semi-automatic machine gun from a helicopter.  Because that’s true sport, ya know?


Gosh, somedays I sit here and just think about what a great country we live in here in the United States of America.  See, it’s important I said what country we’re living in because with all these illegal immigrants speaking their Mexican you can never be too sure these days.  Thanks a lot Benghazi.

And speaking of this great nation, I would like to take a moment to thank the greatest American who’s ever lived Jesus Christ.  When the good Lord gave us a blue-eyed, blond haired English speaking messiah to worship, you just knew he meant for this great country to be the beacon of hope for the world.

But if Barack Obama has his way we’ll all be worshipping the Muslim Bible here pretty soon.  And we all know Americans don’t want a group of religious radicals forcing their views on other folks.  Unless of course it’s Christianity – the religion this great country of ours was founded on.  It’s just too bad those God-hating, liberal Founding Fathers never once put the word “Christianity” in our great Constitution.  But we all know that the good Lord had meant for this nation to be founded upon Christianity.  It says so right there in the Bible next to the part where man once used dinosaurs like horses.

Ah, don’t you just love horses?  They’re so majestic.

Well, I better get going for now.  I want to go read Green Eggs and Ham one more time because I just don’t quite like the ending.  You know, when that fella realizes he likes green eggs and ham after all.  Maybe the next time I read it he’ll hate “Obamacare” like the good Lord intended.


Until next time, you great patriotic, Constitutional, God-fearing American super-patriot patriots be good and avoid touching those homosexuals so you don’t turn into one.  God Bless you and the United States of America!

*The United States of Sarah Palin is a satirical piece written by Allen Clifton for Forward Progressives.

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.

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  • Scaramongus

    sounds about right

  • grannygrey50

    Damn, I didn’t get my coffee alert fast enough and choked! You left out something important, however. You forgot ALL ABOUT RUSSIA and all her knowledge of Russia!

  • FD Brian

    You owe me one new keyboard, there is pop all over this one, it shot out of my nose.

  • mickey

    wink,wink