The United States of Sarah Palin: Those Wonderful Creationists vs. That Liberally Biased Science

palin-idiotHey-a, it’s your good ol’ pal Sarah Palin back to let you know what’s on my mind.  And boy, do I have some stuff to say this week.  I don’t know if you fine folks have heard about this science fiction show called Cosmos, but if you haven’t, you should stay far away from this liberal nonsense.

This fella they have on there, Neil deGrasse Tyson, clearly isn’t qualified to talk about what created us humans and all the heavens.  Last time I checked, God made this planet that we live on in six days.  As far as I’m aware, Mr. Tyson isn’t a religious expert or biblical scholar. In fact, his name kind of sounds Muslim if you ask me.  And we all know Muslims hate Jesus.

But this guy gets on television, using all these big words, trying to convince folks that our universe and Earth are billions of years old.  Now isn’t that just ridiculous?  We all know the Bible says the Earth is 6,000 years old and God created everything in 6, 24 hour days.

I mean duh, it says it right there in the Bible.  What other proof do these God-hating liberals need?

It’s like our good pal Ken Ham says, “Were any of these people there when the Earth was created?  So how do they know?”  These scientists who call themselves “experts” are nothing more than a folksy bunch of science fiction loving mythology writers who just make up these really neat guesses that fool liberals, but they sure won’t fool us!

And evolution, gosh.  What a load of bull, am I right?  Answer me this Mr. Scientist, if we evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

We all know that the good Lord made this planet just a few thousand years ago for us all to live on.  We don’t need some fancy, educated liberal scientists to try to fill our head with all kinds of nonsense about billions of years and evolution.

God’s glory is found in our twinkling stars that are just a few thousand miles away, the majestic dinosaurs we once roamed the Earth with and His grace to give us the Bible full of every answer we would ever need.

Mr. Tyson can keep his anti-American, liberal lies in those science fiction books he holds so dear to himself, because we all know the real truth and we don’t need some fancy PhD to figure it out either – we just need our Bible and all the facts and truth that lies inside.

Until next week folks, God Bless America!

*The United States of Sarah Palin is a satirical piece written by Allen Clifton for Forward Progressives.

Allen Clifton

Allen Clifton is a native Texan who now lives in the Austin area. He has a degree in Political Science from Sam Houston State University. Allen is a co-founder of Forward Progressives and creator of the popular Right Off A Cliff column and Facebook page. Be sure to follow Allen on Twitter and Facebook, and subscribe to his channel on YouTube as well.

Comments

Facebook comments

  • Quacker

    yup…..sounds about right. Being in the South now, (coming from Oregon), it AMAZES me how people in 2014 believe this stuff. It’s so sad and it’s also exactly the way the #GOP wants to keep its voters.

    • Bekka

      I can attest to this. I moved to the South from New Jersey and it’s a whole different world. It’s easy to convince yourself that there aren’t THAT many people who REALLY believe these things, but once you leave the big city protective bubble it’s kind of horrifying.

      • Kat

        please don’t generalize about the people living in the south, plenty of us are college educated liberals surrounded by loudmouths like Palin, they just are louder, but it doesn’t mean there are more of them, please encourage your liberal friends in the south to go and VOTE out the Palin types!

      • Brian David

        If there aren’t more of them then why can’t a liberal win an election in the South? Don’t southern liberals vote? I might accept gerrymandering as an answer but liberals don’t win statewide elections down there either.Either liberals there don’t vote in which case it’s their fault OR the general perception that most of the people in the South are like Palin is true!

      • Brenda Jo Rodgers

        Well said.

  • dbaker

    that has got to be the stupidest bitch on the planet

  • Jim Erwin

    Of course we should clearly ignore the physical facts surrounding us about how man changed from a hunter gatherer society to an agrarian society about 10,000 years ago. I could go on for pages regarding the physical evidence that abounds about us as to the length of time that man has been around.but there is one book that claims a history contrary to the evidence that we touch and see daily and that book does not even clearly give a timeline other than the 24/7 creation concept at some unknown period in time.Sorry, but I cannot disregard the world around me in order to listen to some whack job spew outrageous claims with no ubstance to support her claims other than a bok written by men with an agenda to have control over other men.

    • moe/larry & curly keys

      regressive reeee-publicans cannot pronounce” agrarian”

  • Karen

    DingDingDing-DingBat!!!

  • Blerg!

    You say that there are so many people in the South who believe such pap, but I moved from the South to the North and found that there are just as many people in the North who also believe in such pap. I tried to like people, but it’s so hard, because they are so dumb.

  • Mary J Smith

    Hey Sarah. if God created adam and eve, and they had 3 children (all male), how did man procreate? j/w….

    • moe/larry & curly keys

      or,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,who was cains wife when GOD sent him–with a mark on him– into the land of NOD?
      c’mon all UUUU bible thumpers: let us all in on THAT teeny secret?
      BYTHEWAY– “god” created all the cosmos/heavens with nothing but ‘his’ will; yet needed a RIB to create eve????
      hmmmmm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, seems GOD might partake in magic mushrooms or grape wine

    • moe/larry & curly keys

      same way mary ( jeeesus mumsie) did: much to chagrin of daddy josepoh

  • Reynard Vulpes

    You do understand this is satire, and while Sarah is, not doubt about it, one of the stupidest people around, she did not actually say these things.

  • Reynard Vulpes

    Seems to be a tab bit of bigotry going on here in this comment section.

  • shopper

    The Bible does say 6 days but it doesn’t say 24 hour days – who knows how many hours God has in His day – not her or me but it could be billions of years.

  • moe/larry & curly keys

    ” flintstones….meet the flintstones,,,, there a modern(?) stone age family–
    ( religious white regressive trash BELIEVE that the flintstones was a documentary)
    ===================================================
    ……………….I stole this from lewis black comedy!!

  • Dave

    Let’s all follow the BuyBull….let’s start by stoning Bristol Palin to DEATH for having a baby out of wedlock….then Sarah’s husband can beat her for telling men what to do.

    • Dave

      Oh did I mention that Palin is a TWUNT?

  • Bonta-kun

    No stupider than the actual crap she comes out with.

  • Ella Bean

    Poor Sarah. I think she honestly believes this. wow…