Why I Really, Really Hope Michele Bachmann Runs in 2016

bachmann-palinFor a little while, it looked like perhaps Michele Bachmann had spoken to Jesus (also known as the voices in her head) and was ready to head off on a mission trip with Marcus and his luggage boy. Fortunately for political writers and comedians everywhere, Michele dropped a desperate plea for attention juicy hint earlier that she might just run for president again in 2016. Or maybe by “run for president” she actually meant “rock, squirrel, hey Jesus! I’m ascending into heaven!” One never knows with Michele Bachmann, which is half the fun. Unlike Herman Cain, Sarah Palin or Ron Paul who know that it’s all about talking points and cashing in on gullible voters who will buy their books, Michele actually seems to believe everything that comes out of her mouth.

Too bad Erin Nanasi decided to discontinue “The Bachmann Diaries.” the satirical ramblings of a half-crazed member of Congress who believed she would be the future queen and ruler of the fictional “Godlandia” and was in total denial of her husband’s ambiguously gay tendencies.

Don’t get excited just yet, but on the left, the thought of Michele Bachmann or one of her equally reality-challenged peers out on the campaign trail is pretty tantalizing – especially if you’re a political writer or comedian. From USA Today:

“Like with anything else, practice makes perfect,” she said. “And I think if a person has gone through the process — for instance, I had gone through 15 presidential debates — it’s easy to see a person’s improvement going through that.”

She also suggested her fundraising talents could prove to be an asset. Bachmann has been a Tea Party favorite and virtual fundraising juggernaut, drawing millions in individual contributions from across the country. She told Real Clear Politics that she is “one of the top — if not the top — fundraisers in the history of the United States Congress.”

“And it’s because people saw that I had an authentic voice, and I was fighting for them,” she said. “I wasn’t speaking to them like a politician. I was speaking like a real person who was fighting for what they believed in.” (Source)

What would happen if Michele Bachmann actually decided to run in 2016? For starters, it would be a huge gift to the Democrats, who could point to her as definitive proof that the Republican Party has a problem with religious zealots and nut jobs. And let’s face it, if the 2012 primaries were any indication of what we can expect in 2016, it’s going to be fun.

You see, the primaries and even the speculation leading up to them is where the non-contenders like Sarah Palin flip their hair, push their newest books at Sam’s Club and jockey for position in front of the TV cameras. None of them really have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination, and they wouldn’t know what to do with it even if for some bizarre reason it did happen.

Therein lies the beauty of the primaries, the absolutely batshit insane comments made in order to bring over the “true believers” – the members of the religious right who determine the early front runners in states like Iowa and South Carolina. Like rabid racehorses, they fly out of the gate with ridiculous claims like vaccines cause “mental retardation” or dire warnings that gay people want to prey on small children. That last statement is actually something a lot of religious conservatives will sometimes admit to believing as well, but Michele Bachmann will loudly proclaim it from the rooftops, with a shrill bullhorn, much to the chagrin of the party establishment.

I know that I’ve said in the past that we should ignore the grifters and carnival sideshow freaks like Bachmann, Palin and others. Yet, these are the proverbial albatrosses around the neck of the Republican Party – and a gift to everyone else. The GOP created this freak show by partnering with the religious right decades ago, but as time passed, the likes of Santorum and other radicals were tired of always being the bridesmaid, never the bride. And now, the Republican Party is desperately trying to close the Pandora’s Box that they opened.

Establishment Republicans and the religious right have little to nothing in common. The rich have counted on Bible Belt evangelicals and anti-abortion/anti-equality opponents to provide them votes in exchange for token legislation. In the past, they made it work but now it has all the makings of a bitter divorce – and I see no reason to intervene as a voice of reason. So long as the GOP continues to court the radical right, perhaps it’s only fair to keep reminding the American public of the party’s problem with crazy.


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